BF is getting walked all over again. Won't stand up for himself.

[HolidayTroubles]

Been told before in other posts that IABU regarding the scrounger my BFs brother but I want to get an opinion on this as I genuinely think I'm not being unreasonable about this:

My BF told me earlier today he gave his brother two hundred pound to go on holiday with (going on wednesday) even though he already has spending money to go with and the other spending money his brother had saved up, he has spent on stuff for the upcoming holiday like new clothes and other things including airpods, so not just practical things for holiday but stuff that he wanted anyway (yes, he would use his airpods on holiday to listen to music but they weren't just for the holiday but just because he wanted to have them). But he sees nothing wrong with giving him money to spend, simply because his brother asked if he could borrow money for his holiday and he would pay him back when he got back (even though he blatantly won't). I asked why he thought it was appropriate to give him money and he said "because he's my brother". And that was it.

I don't begrudge him having a good time but why give him money to spend out there when he has already spent all his 'out there' money here beforehand? Because he knew that my BF would supplement what he spent before he went out of my BFs own bank account, that's why. I told my BF he is getting the absolute piss taken out of him but he doesn't believe it or just doesn't mind or seem to care. I told him not to do it and it wouldn't be a good idea but he didn't listen and now we are £200 lighter and his brother is laughing at us (not literally but that's how it comes ascross). Do you think this is unreasonable and my BF is a fool and a mug for falling for this? I have told him this but he's not listening to me. He's not going to get the money back, I know it and I think he knows it too and is probably embarrassed but he just did it anyway and now his brother gets a holiday with free money from us to spend on what he likes with no repurcussion. Is his brother BU? What should I tell my BF to do about it (If he will listen) or is it too likely too late now to do anything anyway? At a wits end here.

Op, he doesn't want you to "look out" for him in this manner. And you call it looking out. Everyone else calls it controlling. If you cared about him you'd stop forcing your unwelcome thoughts down his throat. And pretending it's done from a good place.
I wasn't pretending anything. I was trying to look out for him. But that is apparently being unreasonable. So I will stop now and just let him to be ripped off by his brother.

Seriously. I'm not sure how many threads you need to start about this. Or how many hundreds of people need to constantly tell you. It's his money. It's his brother. It's nothing to do with you.

OKAY. I've been told. I won't ask again. But this time was different. But apparently not so, so, my lesson has been learnt.

He's on holiday now and having a great time so far and I've messaged back and told him it looks great

How was this time different? He gave his brother money you don't like it. Same as all the other times. He neither needs or wants help. He is happy to do it, he has the money to do it. He also knows you don't like it and he still does it. Because he is happier doing it and upsetting you than pleasing you and saying no. Either accept it and shut up or leave.

"How was this time different? He gave his brother money you don't like it. Same as all the other times. He neither needs or wants help. He is happy to do it, he has the money to do it. He also knows you don't like it and he still does it. Because he is happier doing it and upsetting you than pleasing you and saying no. Either accept it and shut up or leave."

because it was more at stake, and no i will not "shut up", how very rude. His brother does not need or want help, he just takes advantage from my BF.

You just don't seem to get it and I'm struggling with why not.

Lots of us have said you might be correct. Your DBIL might be taking advantage. Now and before.

But, and this is the point. Your DP doesn't think so. He doesn't care and he's not interested in your point of view. Why can you not see and accept this?

Lots of us have said you might be correct. Your DBIL might be taking advantage. Now and before.

Exactly so this must mean yanbu but people have gone the other way either because that’s what they think or to be spiteful from last time.

And before you judge half of the replies mentioned my last post so there is clearly pre judging going on

What do you think he should be spending the money on?

I loved treating my younger siblings. there are far worse ways to spend money.

You need to watch Rock Up. The girlfriend constantly nags the boyfriend to get a backbone and eventually he does - and ditches her.

I agree with you that he's making bad financial decisions, but unless it's your money too or you have a policy if joint agreement together it's not within your influence at all.

half of the replies mentioned my last post
Yes and not because they were searching your previous posts. Amongst the thousands of threads here, your fixation stands out. Why is that?

You have misunderstood my post. I meant that your DBIL might be taking advantage now and previously. I was not referring to your posts. Again. That is beside the point.

Look at this point. Your DP doesn't agree with you and/or he doesn't care. Focus on this. That is what we are all saying.

Exactly so this must mean yanbu but people have gone the other way either because that’s what they think or to be spiteful from last time.

No, it doesn’t mean that at all

The issue isn’t actually that his brother is taking advantage or not. The issue is that you think you should have the right to tell him to stop letting him.

It doesn’t matter what your BF’s money is being misspent on in your eyes. It’s his money and he’s very clearly told you time and again that it’s none of your business. So yabu because you are completely unwilling to accept that your BF is entitled to spend his money however he wants

You don’t share a home or finances so if he wants to hand money to his brother, but extravagant Christmas gifts, buy Pokemon cards or donate it all to the dog home then that is his choice

Your choices are to either accept that it’s his money and he can do what he likes with it or accept that you are financially incompatible and walk away. Repeatedly mithering him and trying to take control of what he should be spending on makes you the unreasonable one

Your posts stand out because they are always about the same thing and often have you doing something childish in them such as throwing the chocolates in the bin, taking the phone off of your bf and hanging up when he was talking to his brother. The whole point that you can't seem to understand is he is happy to give his brother money. You won't change this. It will only change if he wants it to change. So as I said you have two choices either you leave him or accept it and shut up about it because if you keep on you will drive him away.

Fine I won't say anything then and just let my BF go broke because nobody is bothered to look out for him.

Well you're not his mum so if he is an adult he should look out for himself. If he is too uncapable of basic adulting you should rethink the relationship if you ever want to have a future together (like cohabiting, marrying, having children etc).

I just don't understand how trying to help someone is considered BU.

You are not helping him. He didn't ask for your help and it isn't welcome. Therefore you are bulldozing him to do what you want. You have the best intentions, I don't doubt that but that is exactly what you are doing. Sorry.

I can’t believe your bf is still with you, TBH. And I can’t understand why MN is your forum of choice either.

@Besidesthepoint
You are not helping him. He didn't ask for your help and it isn't welcome. Therefore you are bulldozing him to do what you want. You have the best intentions, I don't doubt that but that is exactly what you are doing. Sorry.

I wasn't bulldozing anything, I was just giving my advice on what I would personally do which is not be taken advantage of.

I can’t believe your bf is still with you, TBH. And I can’t understand why MN is your forum of choice either. I have also put this post on a mens forum and wanted to get a broad range of opinions as I was being told I was in the wrong and wanted different points of view. But I don't see how I was wrong with this. HOW can anyone think his brother was not taking advantage? Yes I understand he can do what he wants and that's all good but I was just trying to look out for him and his best interests, and I was in the wrong? How?

But I don't see how I was wrong with this

Well, here is the simple answer. Say to your boyfriend "If I think your DB is taking advantage of you would you like me to keep pointing it out?"

If he says yes, then go ahead and YANBU. If he says no then he has made his decision so don't ever point it out again. And if you do, YABU.

(I'm saying this on the assumption that he hasn't previously asked you to stop. If he has then you are already being unreasonable)

How are you wrong - let me count the ways.
It's not your money
Your boyfriend is a grown up
What another grown up does with his money is not your business
It's especially not your buissnes if you've given advice and the other grown up chooses to ignore that advice
You are not married and do not share finances
You sound like a loon and frankly annoying.... I could go on but have yours Yorkshire puddings to drown in gravy

Yes I understand he can do what he wants and that's all good but I was just trying to look out for him and his best interests, and I was in the wrong? How?

Because you continually try and interfere in a decision he has made even though he has told you repeatedly that he is happy as he is

You've made your point. He's told you he's happy with his decision. Yet you seem to think it's ok to continually harp at him to change his decision. That is unreasonable.

Unless it's your money, it's none of your business. You clearly hate the brother but your bf doesn't and choses to give him money. Stop controlling him. He'll always chose his brother over you.

What kind of relationships did your parents have with each other, with their families and with you growing up?

Because you seem utterly convinced the way you're behaving is normal and loving and appear willing to spend your life scouring the internet for the few people who might agree with you when fundamentally it is not. So where did you get these ideas?

What do you think it means to be controlling if you don't think that description applies to your behaviour?

I don't think I've read you're previous posts (I could be wrong )

You ask how you are being unreasonable? One you are infantilising your boyfriend. Just because you don't agree with what he is doing you are coming across as if you don't respect his opinion. You are treating him like a child. He may well know he won't get it back but he has chosen to do it.

Ultimately if you had respect for hI'm you would accept he simply feels differently to you and stop going on about it. However you clearly think you know better. That's sheer arrogance.

The other issue here is you very much keep score. Personally (and it is personal some people are fine with it) I would find that unattractive in a partner. I sometimes choose to give without being concerned about recieving and that's my choice I would be deeply questioning someone who counted up the scores so it's all even and I had received return on what I had given . Personally I would find that childish from someone who didn't quite understand life is more than a scoresheet.

Hence the fact I rapidly remove myself from anyone who uses the phrase "mugged off ".

HOW can anyone think his brother was not taking advantage?

Most people have agreed that it does sound like his brother is taking advantage, but that's not the issue. The issue is that you've made it very clear to your bf what you think, and he's told you he doesn't care, and is going to continue to give his brother money.

So, by carrying on badgering him about it, you are being unreasonable, because it's his money.

You really need to back off OP, you have aired your opinion (a lot by the sound of it) and your bf has chosen to continue as is. It is not your business.
I subsidise my brother and mother (not directly with cash, I pay certain bills and occasionally I'll replace an appliance for them). I've done this for years. Are they feckless with money? Yes. But I am happy to pay for these things and am lucky to be in a position where I can do so without causing me hardship. And it makes me happy to give to my family when they are financially worse off them me. I have a long term DP and he has only once aired the opinion that I give them too much. If he had continued harping on at me and causing arguments like you have I would have dumped him long ago. To say it once is concern, to continue trying to wear him down like you are is completely controlling. He is an adult FFS, he doesn't need you "looking after him" (looking after his money more like )