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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Relative (I think) overstepping.

109 replies

SureMean · 03/11/2019 17:02

I have an aunt by marriage - let's call her DA. She is retired but still spritely. However since she was widowed 10 years ago, she has become increasingly dependent on DH and I for company. I spend far more time with her than I do with any of my friends or my family.

She spoils my DS (7). A lot. She buys him presents, books tickets to events and shows and things constantly. She is very well off but even so, she does a lot. I have asked her not to several times but she won't listen. She got really upset last time, started crying and was saying that she "needs" to do these things, that it helps her. I didn't know what to say to that.

Thats the background, not everything, but hopefully enough for some context.

This week I was at work and she sent an email asking me to print off tickets that she had bought so she could take DS to see Santa. No previous discussion. Just booked it.

I was a bit miffed, but didn't say anything. I just want to be consulted before she books the tickets. She has done this so many times in the past. It is always a big deal and she presents it in a way that is hard to say no. We are going to pantomime with her as well. Again, tickets she booked, without speaking to me. Expensive tickets. I don't even like the pantomime. I always offer to pay for our tickets and she always refuses to take any money.

Then today she called me to tell me she had booked expensive tickets for her to take my DS to another show. It is on a date that I had already made plans for my DS and I to visit a friend and her DD we haven't seen in months. We have really busy and conflicting schedules, and this date is the only one we can do until after the new year. I told her DS and I already have plans, and she told me to cancel because the tickets cost her a lot of money. I said she should have called before, and she said there was no time as they would have sold out. She said I was lucky to have her - someone that does so much for us.

It has just pissed me off. I don't feel like I should be grateful for gifts like this. I want to refuse this, but I know she will say I am being ungrateful. She will get upset, and cry.

So, what should I do? WIBU to say no to DA? She is coming over tonight for dinner.... I am really beginning to resent her.

OP posts:
UpsyDaisysarmpit · 03/11/2019 17:05

YANBU! Maybe next time she will check with you first!

Original poster
SureMean · 03/11/2019 17:07

I am worried that if I push this, she will fall out with us.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 03/11/2019 17:08

YANBU....In America we call this the stupid tax

Leaannb · 03/11/2019 17:09

If you do.fall oit that is on her. She is using her gifts as a means for control. Tell her no you have plans.End of discussion

Caselgarcia · 03/11/2019 17:10

You've got to start setting boundaries with her, start by saying no, you will not cancel meeting friend as its been organised already. I suspect she's lonely, tell her she needs to start checking with you first if she wants to make plans.

purpleme12 · 03/11/2019 17:12

Of course you should tell her you can't come and stick to the original plan. She should have checked first. You can't be expected to cancel your plans. Just tell her you can't do it. Entirely reasonable to do this

Inebriati · 03/11/2019 17:15

I am worried that if I push this, she will fall out with us.

Stop worrying about that. Anyone that genuinely loves your children will talk to you, the parent, about how best to support them.
She is undermining you. As you are not actively abusive or neglectful, her behaviour is not ok.

Queenoftheashes · 03/11/2019 17:15

Why the fuck would you just assume people are free and spend loads of money! Weird!!

JennyBlueWren · 03/11/2019 17:15

YANBU but I do think you could be a bit kinder to her about letting her pay for things. Maybe have a discussion around what she could pay for. Perhaps she would like to take on a big long term expense such as shoes or school uniform or you could suggest she puts money into his savings account. Or if she wants to go to events with him and you you could ask her to discuss them with you first -but say yes unless there's a clash or he hates going.

AndysFavouriteToy · 03/11/2019 17:15

Tell her how you feel:
"DA we appreciate what you do, please know that it is not expected or wanted, we choose to spend time with you because of you, not all the extras. That being said, we all have busy lives and we cannot be expected to change our plans at your whim. If you wish to do an event you need to check with us first. The recent tickets are a prime example, we are unavailable and cannot come."

After this repeat "we are unavailable and cannot come." as many times as it takes.

Drum2018 · 03/11/2019 17:18

So let her fall out with you. She's only annoying your head anyway. Do not back down on your planned day out. She will surely be able to sell on her tickets if it's sold out. Don't apologise. If she cries just be firm and tell her that she really needs to ask you before buying anything in future. Did it not occur to her that you and Dh might have wanted to take Ds to see Santa? That would have pissed me off.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/11/2019 17:18

Let her cry. She needs to learn that to check with you first and that you are not at her beck and call. Your family is not there to meet her needs, and while she might be generous with her money, you have been more than generous with your time. Might be worth pointing that out if she gets nippy with you.

bluebeck · 03/11/2019 17:19

I am worried that if I push this, she will fall out with us.

Why would you be worried about this? She sounds like a bloody steamrolling nightmare. So she falls out with you? Good.

You are being bullied.

NoSauce · 03/11/2019 17:20

Ask her to consult you before booking anything so as not to conflict with stuff you’ve got arranged. Say no if you need to.

Don’t make a huge mountain of this though, if this were hour own mother or blood relative I wonder if you’d feel the same. It sounds like your son means a lot to her.

Original poster
SureMean · 03/11/2019 17:22

Yes, you are all right.

In terms of her paying for things, I don't want her to pay for anything. I would be happy not to get so much as a cup of tea from her again. It's not that we allow her to, that would suggest we have a choice to begin with. She just does it without consulting me or DH. I think it is a means of control as a PP stated.

I am going to have to woman up and be firm, aren't I?

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 03/11/2019 17:23

Don’t cancel your plans; I’d probably do that on a regular basis to make the point that she should ask before booking

Stressedout10 · 03/11/2019 17:23

Really what other than a very bossy pushy person who demands so much time and energy would you be losing?

Stand firm and say NO and ffs put some boundaries in place including stopping her from monopolizing your time, she needs to get a life of her own

Sushiroller · 03/11/2019 17:25

Let her fall out with you her behaviour is not normal and sounds v controlling.

It teaches your child poor boundaries I'd nip it in the bud now

tobedtoMNandfart · 03/11/2019 17:25

Ask yourself. Does she ever buy a generous gift with NO strings attached?
I've said this elsewhere today but you need boundaries! DS is not her child. Maybe you wanted to take him to see Santa?!...
The more you tolerate this the weaker your boundaries are.

NoSauce · 03/11/2019 17:29

What does your husband think? Does he agree she’s too pushy, does your son have a good relationship with her?

Tread carefully before you go bulldozing in on the advice of strangers on the internet, this is your actual life remember. I do think some boundaries need putting in place but not in a way that would ruin the relationship.

VenusInfers · 03/11/2019 17:30

I agree with the PP.

It seems like you know she's lonely, you are happy for her to be involved with your family, but you want/need to set boundaries.

What she is doing is coming from a place of love, but you have to help her to know how to express it better. Otherwise you'll end up really resenting her, and that would be a shame for all involved.

Original poster
SureMean · 03/11/2019 17:33

My DH has said if I don't tell her, he will and he won't say it as nicely as me. He is pissed off at her, as she is demanding and he says, expects too much.

OP posts:
cantfindname · 03/11/2019 17:40

The gifts aren't the problem and I imagine she loves to be in the position to buy them for him.

As other posters have said, you need to set boundaries. No need to be harsh or upset her, just explain that the things you plan for your child trump her plans therefore it would be better all round, and avoid ill feeling, if she consults you first.

I don't think she is being deliberately controlling, I think she is a lonely older lady with too much time on her hands. Possibly she has a very low self esteem and thinks you may not visit her if she doesn't buy gifts... like a child in a playground trying to buy friends with sweeties.

I feel sad for her but fully appreciate she must be driving you bananas and needs a conversation about those boundaries!

GrumpyHoonMain · 03/11/2019 17:44

I agree that you should set boundaries but do it politely because something tells me if you would ever need someone in a pinch from your family your aunt would be the one who would come running. Also, never let your DP get away with saying that about your family. She is YOUR family and he has no right to be rude to her, deliberately or not, as I presume you wouldn’t be rude to his.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 03/11/2019 17:44

Is there any risk that she’ll tell DS about the show and try to get him excited?