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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Relative (I think) overstepping.

109 replies

SureMean · 03/11/2019 17:02

I have an aunt by marriage - let's call her DA. She is retired but still spritely. However since she was widowed 10 years ago, she has become increasingly dependent on DH and I for company. I spend far more time with her than I do with any of my friends or my family.

She spoils my DS (7). A lot. She buys him presents, books tickets to events and shows and things constantly. She is very well off but even so, she does a lot. I have asked her not to several times but she won't listen. She got really upset last time, started crying and was saying that she "needs" to do these things, that it helps her. I didn't know what to say to that.

Thats the background, not everything, but hopefully enough for some context.

This week I was at work and she sent an email asking me to print off tickets that she had bought so she could take DS to see Santa. No previous discussion. Just booked it.

I was a bit miffed, but didn't say anything. I just want to be consulted before she books the tickets. She has done this so many times in the past. It is always a big deal and she presents it in a way that is hard to say no. We are going to pantomime with her as well. Again, tickets she booked, without speaking to me. Expensive tickets. I don't even like the pantomime. I always offer to pay for our tickets and she always refuses to take any money.

Then today she called me to tell me she had booked expensive tickets for her to take my DS to another show. It is on a date that I had already made plans for my DS and I to visit a friend and her DD we haven't seen in months. We have really busy and conflicting schedules, and this date is the only one we can do until after the new year. I told her DS and I already have plans, and she told me to cancel because the tickets cost her a lot of money. I said she should have called before, and she said there was no time as they would have sold out. She said I was lucky to have her - someone that does so much for us.

It has just pissed me off. I don't feel like I should be grateful for gifts like this. I want to refuse this, but I know she will say I am being ungrateful. She will get upset, and cry.

So, what should I do? WIBU to say no to DA? She is coming over tonight for dinner.... I am really beginning to resent her.

OP posts:
wineisnecessary · 03/11/2019 17:49

I am going to have to woman up and be firm, aren't I?
Definitely as clearly it's escalating, you've made plans already so it's a no . She will have to sell the tickets tell her you will help her sell them if it helps . If it's nearly sold out she'll have no problem. She really needs to learn that she can't control you .

Original poster
SureMean · 03/11/2019 17:50

She is lonely. That is no secret. We do what we can. We have her over every week for dinner, and additional things like DH doing repairs and odd jobs for her, or her and I going to the cinema or whatever.

I know she is lonely, and that is what is so sad. So many people have walked away from her in recent years, including her DS (sorry if that is considered a drop feed - I wasn't sure if it would be relevant to this particular situation). I tell myself that she isn't a terrible person, and all these behaviours are as a result of grief and loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
SureMean · 03/11/2019 17:51

@empress - yes a huge risk.

OP posts:
LordNibbler · 03/11/2019 17:54

Why have her son and other people walked away from her?

Loveislandaddict · 03/11/2019 17:55

You need to toughen up and say no. Don’t change your plans. If she looses money, 5hats her look out. You are not responsible for how she spends her money. If she cries, don’t give in. That’s manipulation.

If she is lonely, maybe point her in the direction of a local coffee morning, gardening club or whatever.

Stressedout10 · 03/11/2019 17:56

Ask yourself why everyone including her ds has walked away from her, could it be her controlling behaviour?

GreenTulips · 03/11/2019 17:56

She could take another person
She could sell the tickets

She hasn’t lost out

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 03/11/2019 17:58

I told her DS and I already have plans, and she told me to cancel because the tickets cost her a lot of money

Tough shit, she should have asked you first.
I get it's hard, I do but you have to say "I'm sorry but we already have plans booked that we can't change."
It's her own daft fault.
It might to outsiders seem kind that she books all these things, but it's really not if it's met with a load of emotional crap and bullying as well.
She might think twice and ask next time!

Original poster
SureMean · 03/11/2019 17:59

Okay, thank you everyone. She is due in a minute so I'll be quiet.

Her DS walked away because she is demanding. Others have but I am not sure why, exactly. She gets into arguments with them and then that is that.

She drinks a lot, and I don't think that helps.

OP posts:
YabaDabaBoo · 03/11/2019 17:59

It's not that we allow her to, that would suggest we have a choice to begin with she just does it without consulting me or DH

But you have allowed her to. You could have put a stop to it from the beginning and not accepted her gifts. Or made it clear that she must always check with you before booking something, in case you had plans. If she really cared, her gifts would come with no strings attached.

Seems like you’re both benefitting from this.

Strangerthingshere · 03/11/2019 17:59

You need to stay strong! She cant just always assume you are free for whenever suits her surely Confused

picklemepopcorn · 03/11/2019 18:02

People walk away because she won't allow a two way relationship. It's always her way. She's sucked you in with a sob story, you've gradually picked up the slack she has created by being unreasonable.

You must not allow her to walk all over you. It will only get worse, not better.

PanamaPattie · 03/11/2019 18:02

I would return all the tickets. Don't accept any of them. You should be the one taking DS to see Santa. I would see it as a plus is she falls out with you. You know she is overbearing and won't take no for an answer. Stop this now.

picklemepopcorn · 03/11/2019 18:02

And do not let her get between you and DH. He's right.

crochetandshit · 03/11/2019 18:03

As you will be telling her no to this event, I'd tell her no to the Santa visit as well at the same time.
Unless agreed in advance, that is firmly in the parents only territory imo.

Apolloanddaphne · 03/11/2019 18:08

You need to be firm on this one and tell her she cannot dictate to you what you do as a family and you will not be cancelling your trip. Her clear that in future she must run by you any further bookings and you reserve the right to say no if the dates/events don't suit.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2019 18:10

So you do have reason to believe she may fall out with you. Not such a lovely person. Lovely people don’t blackmail people into doing as they’re told.

Drabarni · 03/11/2019 18:10

Why oh why have you and dh let it get this far.
To say anything now unless it is increasing will be so hurtful for her.
She needs to to it because you have allowed her to become dependant on you.

Both you and dh need to have a serious talk about where you go from here and if you are going to let her down, how?

lynzpynz · 03/11/2019 18:10

I hate awkward conversations like this!! But.. yes it's one you need to have sooner rather than later. I'd suggest, if DS and you are happy for her to take him out to something nice eg once a month if she is so keen to, that way you have control of the time she's demanding but she's still spending time with DS and everyone's happy. At the moment she seems to be calling all the shots using emotional manipulation tactics if you dare question or try to point out you might actually have a life of your own and plans too!

Hope your chat goes OK tonight OP... although I suspect tears will be prevelant unfortunately... Confused

PhannyPharts · 03/11/2019 18:12

I hope you manage to be brave and tackle the behaviour. I expect she will try and manipulate you with tears and such but be strong. She's not being kind if her gifts come with guilt and a sense of her feeling you owe her.

OVienna · 03/11/2019 18:13

Yup, I have experience of this sort of friend/relative. It's very hard because on the surface of course it appears it's all about being kind to you, they are so generous etc. It's about them (in the main.) It's telling she's fallen out with others.

It's important to draw the boundary lines now or it will go on and on and you (or DH) could end up exploding, relatively speaking.

ThanosSavedMe · 03/11/2019 18:13

You definitely need to be firm and tell her that you can’t come, you have plans.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/11/2019 18:13

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries - Emotional Blackmail which is increasing as time goes by.
You are already doing a lot more for her than most and you are being very kind, but she is now taking advantage and you have told her and she either cries to make you back off or she just doesn't listen to you and continues to behave in a way you have asked her not to.
I think you have to toughen up and say to her "We will discuss this when you have stopped crying. It is not intended to make you cry but you need to listen to what I am telling you."
She has gone over the top and needs to reign it in.. Telling her now, harsh as it may seem, is kinder in the long run.

Leeds2 · 03/11/2019 18:23

Another one saying stick to your original plans, and remind her that she should've asked if you were free first. If the tickets are as in demand as she is implying, she will have no trouble selling them. She can't buy your company/attention.
Is there anything you could do/encourage her to do to help her feel a little less lonely? Voluntary work maybe, something at church if that appeals, Townswomen's Guild - just something to get her out of the house and meet other people.

Vanhi · 03/11/2019 18:24

she will say I am being ungrateful. She will get upset, and cry.

So what? If you were being unreasonable and nasty it would be horrible to make someone cry. But you're not - you're being perfectly reasonable in saying she needs to check with you before she books things. So let her cry. It's just emotional blackmail. Why should you be upset. Why is what you want less important than what she wants? People shouldn't be given their own way just because they cry. I bet you wouldn't let your DC get away with it so don't let your aunt either.