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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Relative (I think) overstepping.

109 replies

SureMean · 03/11/2019 17:02

I have an aunt by marriage - let's call her DA. She is retired but still spritely. However since she was widowed 10 years ago, she has become increasingly dependent on DH and I for company. I spend far more time with her than I do with any of my friends or my family.

She spoils my DS (7). A lot. She buys him presents, books tickets to events and shows and things constantly. She is very well off but even so, she does a lot. I have asked her not to several times but she won't listen. She got really upset last time, started crying and was saying that she "needs" to do these things, that it helps her. I didn't know what to say to that.

Thats the background, not everything, but hopefully enough for some context.

This week I was at work and she sent an email asking me to print off tickets that she had bought so she could take DS to see Santa. No previous discussion. Just booked it.

I was a bit miffed, but didn't say anything. I just want to be consulted before she books the tickets. She has done this so many times in the past. It is always a big deal and she presents it in a way that is hard to say no. We are going to pantomime with her as well. Again, tickets she booked, without speaking to me. Expensive tickets. I don't even like the pantomime. I always offer to pay for our tickets and she always refuses to take any money.

Then today she called me to tell me she had booked expensive tickets for her to take my DS to another show. It is on a date that I had already made plans for my DS and I to visit a friend and her DD we haven't seen in months. We have really busy and conflicting schedules, and this date is the only one we can do until after the new year. I told her DS and I already have plans, and she told me to cancel because the tickets cost her a lot of money. I said she should have called before, and she said there was no time as they would have sold out. She said I was lucky to have her - someone that does so much for us.

It has just pissed me off. I don't feel like I should be grateful for gifts like this. I want to refuse this, but I know she will say I am being ungrateful. She will get upset, and cry.

So, what should I do? WIBU to say no to DA? She is coming over tonight for dinner.... I am really beginning to resent her.

OP posts:
Original poster
SureMean · 03/11/2019 23:19

Yeah. That worried me, but I can't change her, I can change my response though.

OP posts:
WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 03/11/2019 23:22

but I can't change her, I can change my response though

Very true, keep thinking like that you sound sensible and balanced, keep on going with that attitude (not being sarky, genuinely impressed, it's the right way to be!)
Think there's a saying somewhere that I'm about to completely mangle but something like we can't dictate what others do, or feel, but we can dictate how we respond to it"

PrettyPurse · 04/11/2019 06:27

Do you really think she fell out with a friend or had she preempt that you were not happy and so went for the sympathy....

happinessischocolate · 04/11/2019 06:34

Did you point out that maybe she was doing to the same her friend, buying tickets and demanding that her friend agreed to go and was grateful, and this is why her friend was ignoring her?

Original poster
SureMean · 04/11/2019 07:20

She said the fall out was over stuff she couldn't understand. That the friend just stopped responding to her calls etc. To be fair, this has happened before, with other friends... I am not naive, I know she isn't giving me the full story.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/11/2019 07:30

She seems really manipulative
She's told you she can't change her behaviour (she means she won't) , so its really your decision if you want to keep her as a close relation in your life

Ohyesiam · 04/11/2019 08:11

You handled it really well. I get the feeling that part of her is relieved, maybe it’s good to get a boundary with compulsive manipulative behaviour.
In her heart of hearts she must know that a promise extracted in such a manipulative way is not a stable one. You have taken back a lot of your power in the situation so her ability to be abusive, as a pp said ,is more limited.
I missed if you said get age, I’m imagining elderly, can you point her in the direction of U3A or similar? Might take some of the pressure off you.

picklemepopcorn · 04/11/2019 10:55

That went as well as could be hoped. People like her aren't necessarily nasty, and genuinely feel abandoned, lonely distressed etc.

However, they have to take responsibility for how their behaviour contributes to the situation- which she is still refusing to do.

IMO, it's less about the buying stuff- that wouldn't bother me- but that she expects people to be bought and to fit in with her.

You need to consistently reinforce your boundaries while reassuring her that you aren't rejecting her. Basically, she sees everyone as a bit player in her life story rather than as a person with their own commitments, priorities and relationships. When you look at it that way, it's easier to see how to manage the situation.

Sadly, I know this dynamic very well, only without the generosity!

Drum2018 · 04/11/2019 11:39

Keep setting boundaries and call her out each time she pushes them. Seems you are one in a long line of people she has annoyed with her manipulation. Her saying she won't change is a bit shit. She could at least have said she'd try.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/11/2019 11:59

OK, she's lost her son. That's a terrible thing even when said son is still alive and well somewhere. But you aren't obliged to hand over yours as a replacement. Auntie mustn't be allowed to undermine your responsible parenting. However lonely she is, your first duty is to DS.

The thing is, though, that if she's giving you gifts just because she wants to give them, knowing you don't want to receive them, that's not generous at all. Personally I like to give something I know, or at least fondly believe, that the recipient will like - don't you? There's a big difference between a misjudged gift, which I'm sure everyone has experienced at some time, and a deliberate ignoring of a request not to get that gift. Google the story behind the phrase "white elephant" to see how an apparently generous present can be anything but.

user1480880826 · 04/11/2019 12:06

Why is this your problem? Why does your husband get away with sitting on the sidelines while you do the parenting and family politics? It’s his aunt and his son.

KarmaStar · 04/11/2019 12:18

Hi op can you find some GroupWIse might be interested in so she is not looking at you solely for company?
Or voluntary stuff?
There are many activities,depending on where she lives of course,in communities which might interest her?
Or even a couple of new friends?
Contact Age U.K.for advice etc and with you standing your ground about her not booking things all the time,hopefully her attention will be redirected.
If she has other interests and topics of conversation you might enjoy her company more too.
Good luck.

Original poster
SureMean · 04/11/2019 16:46

I have been at work all day today and so not been able to get on much.

I agree with PP, and have suggested clubs/groups before, but she isn't keen.

However, there is an update. She text to say she has managed to change the date of the tickets (that were sold out apparently Hmm) to two days before, when I don't have any plans for DS...

I don't know what to say. There is no reason he can't go. So that should be fine, right? Except, it doesn't 'feel' fine iyswim...

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/11/2019 16:51

Did she check the new date with you first? I expect not, and that she'll say she was put on the spot. But since she was happy to take her great-nephew instead of your son she really shouldn't have needed to ring up to change the date in the first place....

I think you're going to have to have to remain firm with her every time she does something like this, and ignore the tears.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/11/2019 16:57

Honestly, this is your chance to show her she needs to change. Say no, that doesn't work for us. Take nephew, we need to say yes before you book anything. Ignore any responses. So far she has just done a little dance on your boundary and sang 'I'll do it my way'.

CaveMum · 04/11/2019 17:09

Take this as your chance to say “I’m sorry but DS won’t be coming with you, I asked you to check dates with me before you booked anything and you didn’t.”

Make up a birthday party invitation from a school friend that he received today and has already been accepted or something that he can’t possibly miss like a activity related to a club he attends. You need to drive home the point that she can’t keep on doing things without asking you first.

crochetandshit · 04/11/2019 17:09

You have to tell her no, she didn't listen to you AT ALL!

beelover · 04/11/2019 17:15

disfordarkchocolate has summed it up exactly. Aunt has not really listened to you at all.

Vanhi · 04/11/2019 17:15

Why does your husband get away with sitting on the sidelines while you do the parenting and family politics? It’s his aunt and his son.

It's his son but is it his aunt? My interpretation of "aunt by marriage" would be someone married to a parent's brother, not my DH's aunt.

VanyaHargreeves · 04/11/2019 17:16

@SureMean

I would text back

Aunt, that is very thoughtful, however I thought I made my feelings on the matter clear at the weekend. DS can go, this time, however I want to be clear that if after this, you book anything again without asking in advance, our answer will always be No.

And then follow through

It's behavioural and she will only learn by being taught

Drum2018 · 04/11/2019 17:30

No. I wouldn't even let him go this one time. That's just rolling over for her. Just text back that it won't suit and to go ahead and bring grandnephew as planned yesterday. She needs to reign it in as your child will grow up expecting to be brought here there and everywhere and given gifts for no reason.

Original poster
SureMean · 04/11/2019 17:35

To clarify the relationship, not that I think it overly relevant. She married and was widowed by DHs uncle, so yes it is on DHs side but I have far more to do with her than she does, as his work means he is often not at home.

I will talk to DH. I like the suggestion that it is allowed this time it will be making it clear that this is the last time.

OP posts:
WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 04/11/2019 17:38

FFS, did she listen to you at ALL?!
No! She's just done it again without asking.
She won't stop if you keep on rolling over and giving in to her.
Say you can't make it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/11/2019 17:49

If you say yes, just this time you might as well roll over and say come and interfere with my family and marriage.

If you want her to only book things you agree with on days you agree with then say no and be firm. It will get easier. Remember, her son will have tried compromise and she obviously didn't stop.

Loveislandaddict · 04/11/2019 17:50

I would agree with the others who said not to give in to the new date, citing that she didn’t check the date as requested. You don’t have to give the reason why, or maybe make up a fictional dentist appointment, play date, school party, etc. By giving in now, she is winning, as she is breaking through the boundaries.