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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Relative (I think) overstepping.

109 replies

SureMean · 03/11/2019 17:02

I have an aunt by marriage - let's call her DA. She is retired but still spritely. However since she was widowed 10 years ago, she has become increasingly dependent on DH and I for company. I spend far more time with her than I do with any of my friends or my family.

She spoils my DS (7). A lot. She buys him presents, books tickets to events and shows and things constantly. She is very well off but even so, she does a lot. I have asked her not to several times but she won't listen. She got really upset last time, started crying and was saying that she "needs" to do these things, that it helps her. I didn't know what to say to that.

Thats the background, not everything, but hopefully enough for some context.

This week I was at work and she sent an email asking me to print off tickets that she had bought so she could take DS to see Santa. No previous discussion. Just booked it.

I was a bit miffed, but didn't say anything. I just want to be consulted before she books the tickets. She has done this so many times in the past. It is always a big deal and she presents it in a way that is hard to say no. We are going to pantomime with her as well. Again, tickets she booked, without speaking to me. Expensive tickets. I don't even like the pantomime. I always offer to pay for our tickets and she always refuses to take any money.

Then today she called me to tell me she had booked expensive tickets for her to take my DS to another show. It is on a date that I had already made plans for my DS and I to visit a friend and her DD we haven't seen in months. We have really busy and conflicting schedules, and this date is the only one we can do until after the new year. I told her DS and I already have plans, and she told me to cancel because the tickets cost her a lot of money. I said she should have called before, and she said there was no time as they would have sold out. She said I was lucky to have her - someone that does so much for us.

It has just pissed me off. I don't feel like I should be grateful for gifts like this. I want to refuse this, but I know she will say I am being ungrateful. She will get upset, and cry.

So, what should I do? WIBU to say no to DA? She is coming over tonight for dinner.... I am really beginning to resent her.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 03/11/2019 18:36

She sounds a peach!!! I think you all need to take a step back, if not you might end up cutting all contact like her son.

Stick to your original plans and make sure you are not always available in the future even if you have to invent plans. I'd change dinner to every other week, she thinks she is part of your nuclear family, not an aunt.

Inertia · 03/11/2019 18:43

You need to go ahead with your existing plans, and Aunt needs to return the tickets or take somebody else. She is treating you and your child as her playthings.

Shoxfordian · 03/11/2019 18:45

You need to start asserting yourself op
Is this sort of behaviour why her ds doesn't speak to her?

WinterRose92 · 03/11/2019 18:50

I think you really need to be firm with her. I know it’s difficult but it’s just going to get worse.

Namechangeoflife · 03/11/2019 18:53

I don’t understand this. She makes plans for your 7yo ds but you don’t want him to go. What does she do, just come up and smuggle him out of your house?
Surely if it doesn’t suit you say no, you don’t just let him go for the sake of it or she’ll just keep doing it.
If she gets upset and cries so be it, a couple of times standing firm she’ll get the message

Sweetpea55 · 03/11/2019 18:58

What happened op at dinner?

toxic44 · 03/11/2019 18:59

If it were a man saying, 'I'm taking you out to dinner tonight', you'd soon tell him where to get off. It's about attitude, not gender, so put your tin hat on and stand your ground. She is controlling you.

tiredybear · 03/11/2019 19:02

Hope the dinner is going well and you have managed to set some boundaries. She is being manipulative. This is your life and your son, not hers. If she is lonely, that is her look out and certainly not your responsibility in any way. It sounds like she is very lucky to have you, so she really needs to learn to respect your boundaries if she wants to continue to have a relationship with your family. Good luck!

VanyaHargreeves · 03/11/2019 19:18

I think whilst maintaining a social visit relationship with her....WHENEVER she calls you to say she has booked a show you ALWAYS decline if she has not asked first, even if you have to manufacture the excuse.

That way she will learn the boundary of phoning first or being out of pocket

You can then start to discern between things

You don't want to go to
Things you don't want DS to go to
Things that you'd rather go alone as your family to

At the moment it's a bit like she has decided to "culturally educate" your DS. It is overstepping.

AnnaMagnani · 03/11/2019 19:19

OK, so now you see why other people have walked away from her. She is lonely because of her own behaviour.

An adopted granny can be lovely - but only if they know how to behave!

My DM is prone to adopting families like DA seems to have done. She can be a bit of a sod but has learned her lesson over the years and realises she is there only as long as the relationship is benefitting both sides.

Bellringer · 03/11/2019 19:22

She's a lush. Why do you want dc mixed up with that. Say no and don't be wet

Llioed · 03/11/2019 19:34

This would annoy me also. I would not appreciate someone booking tickets to spend time with my child (without me) without consulting with me first. I would have to talk to them and explain how it makes me feel. Good luck.

Trainwardrobe · 03/11/2019 19:36

Yanbu

PepePig · 03/11/2019 19:37

You need to sit her down and just tell her how it is. You don't have to be nasty or anything, but simply outline that while you're appreciative of the effort she has put in, things do need to change because it's clear that it's getting a little out of hand:

"DA, we are so appreciative of all the effort you put in with DS and how much you spoil him. However, after the last episode with the tickets, I think we do need to look at this and how things happen. We don't want you wasting your money on things that DS can't use/go to because of other plans. You don't need to spend money on DS as much as you do. It's your money and you should spend it on yourself as you deserve it. And if you do want to do something with DS, all you need to do is give me a ring and we can discuss it and go from there. Please don't take this as us being unappreciative, but we simply want you to hold on to the money you've earned and we don't want you wasting money when we can't go because of the lack of communication beforehand"

I'd then say if she refuses to listen after being sat down and gently told, you are more within your rights to just tell her no and be blunt. As nice and lovely as she may be, she isn't your responsibility to entertain and you can't be forced into cancelling events because she's bought x, y or z. There's a fine line between being generous and being controlling. Just ensure she remains on the generous side. As soon as you feel that her money is being used as a form of control, you need to step up and say no.

Magicmama92 · 03/11/2019 19:49

I'd just say its lovely that you want to book things but sometimes we will have plans so could you please start discussing it before booking?

I wouldnt worry about her wanting to buy things but I'd kindly say that you cant just always go if you have other plans.

If she then dosnt understand them youl have to be blunt and stern unfortunately. She may go in a mood but if she cares about you all she will still want to visit.

Good luck.

Cherrysoup · 03/11/2019 20:02

Her money is being used to control you. You’re meant to be madly grateful. I hope you set her straight tonight, OP, she’s taking the piss. Do you care about the stuff she gives you/your son? I mean, I don’t think it sounds like you do, so take a proper stand. She doesn’t get to just make arrangements for you. Stick to going out with your friend.

Loveislandaddict · 03/11/2019 20:30

How is it going? If she says you are ungrateful, respond saying that you are grateful, but she can’t control your social life.

FuckBalls · 03/11/2019 21:06

Hope it went ok OP

1Morewineplease · 03/11/2019 21:37

Like other PPs have said, she is trying to control you to make herself feel valued. She is manipulating you and your guilt , due to her backstory, is feeding her feelings of inadequacy.
That other family members, including her son, have backed away should serve as a massive red flag.
You need to set some boundaries and you need to INSIST that she consults you first. If you don’t set boundaries then her pattern of control will spiral .
Be brave 💐

Thehop · 03/11/2019 21:44

Good luck

Original poster
SureMean · 03/11/2019 23:03

Well, she cried. She really cried. BUT there was progress.

She arrived upset that she had fallen out with a friend. She talked about about how much she had been there for the friend, and everything she had done for them and paid for, and this friend was now ignoring her. That gave me an in.

So we talked about how generous she was, how unusually generous - how open this left her to people taking advantage. So, yes, I beat around the bush a bit. I raised the tickets and explained I now felt guilty but she should have checked first. It was like talking to a different person. She was apologetic, agreed she should have checked, but that she just got so excited. She said she would take her great nephew instead. She got upset and asked me to promise I would never leave her.

We talked about the gifts/presents. I said, calmly, that it was too much, that DS would take her for granted eventually. She cried, and cried and cried. She then said it makes her feel better. She buys stuff, does stuff because it makes her feel good. She says she could never change and will never change.

So that is where we are at. I am relieved I didn't bow, but sad at how desperate she is.

OP posts:
PepePig · 03/11/2019 23:06

Well done OP. Handled it well with sensitivity but got the point across. Hopefully things will be better now Smile

VanyaHargreeves · 03/11/2019 23:07

But her take home message should be that you value her for her, and that she doesn't need to buy your love or buy friendship and if that message resonates in her enough you might see change.

I think you've done well here OP

Original poster
SureMean · 03/11/2019 23:13

It's hard.... I listened. I was pissed off earlier. Really pissed off. But, on reflection, I was pissed off because I felt guilty and powerless. That I owed her, because essentially, as other PPs have said I allowed this to develop, by not challenging sooner and laying down boundaries.

I guess, I should try and do that more often.

OP posts:
WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 03/11/2019 23:15

We talked about the gifts/presents. I said, calmly, that it was too much, that DS would take her for granted eventually. She cried, and cried and cried. She then said it makes her feel better. She buys stuff, does stuff because it makes her feel good. She says she could never change and will never change. She got upset and asked me to promise I would never leave her

You did do good, you said your piece I I agree but this makes me Sad
She can't, won't change, even though she knows how it's coming across?
As for this bit
She got upset and asked me to promise I would never leave her
I'm sorry but I've only ever heard that exact phrase used before and I'm old and it was my friend's abusive ex who said it upset to her, drunk.
Emotional blackmail, it's not any better coming from a so called "kindly" auntie Sad

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