AIBU? Relative (I think) overstepping.

[SureMean]

I have an aunt by marriage - let's call her DA. She is retired but still spritely. However since she was widowed 10 years ago, she has become increasingly dependent on DH and I for company. I spend far more time with her than I do with any of my friends or my family.

She spoils my DS (7). A lot. She buys him presents, books tickets to events and shows and things constantly. She is very well off but even so, she does a lot. I have asked her not to several times but she won't listen. She got really upset last time, started crying and was saying that she "needs" to do these things, that it helps her. I didn't know what to say to that.

Thats the background, not everything, but hopefully enough for some context.

This week I was at work and she sent an email asking me to print off tickets that she had bought so she could take DS to see Santa. No previous discussion. Just booked it.

I was a bit miffed, but didn't say anything. I just want to be consulted before she books the tickets. She has done this so many times in the past. It is always a big deal and she presents it in a way that is hard to say no. We are going to pantomime with her as well. Again, tickets she booked, without speaking to me. Expensive tickets. I don't even like the pantomime. I always offer to pay for our tickets and she always refuses to take any money.

Then today she called me to tell me she had booked expensive tickets for her to take my DS to another show. It is on a date that I had already made plans for my DS and I to visit a friend and her DD we haven't seen in months. We have really busy and conflicting schedules, and this date is the only one we can do until after the new year. I told her DS and I already have plans, and she told me to cancel because the tickets cost her a lot of money. I said she should have called before, and she said there was no time as they would have sold out. She said I was lucky to have her - someone that does so much for us.

It has just pissed me off. I don't feel like I should be grateful for gifts like this. I want to refuse this, but I know she will say I am being ungrateful. She will get upset, and cry.

So, what should I do? WIBU to say no to DA? She is coming over tonight for dinner.... I am really beginning to resent her.

No OP, this is the test. She has just done what she's always done - booked an event without checking with you first. She's learned nothing and changed not at all.
Don't let him go 'this time' with a feeble 'but don't do it again' added on.
You need to nip this in the bud.
She can take the great-nephew.

YANBU, she needs to start checking if you are free on these dates and stop assuming. She is trying to dictate your spare time which isn’t fair. I do feel for her, I don’t think she has sinister intentions and I’m sure your DS loves the events but he isn’t her child so she needs to check with you first.

This is exactly what needed to happen in order to facilitate the conversation you’ve needed to have for a while now. Stick to your plans and explain they cannot be changed, the arrangements have been made with another family. Perhaps DA can sell the tickets or take someone else. Either way she will need to run it past you next time.

It may feel bloody minded to you, but you must use this as an opportunity to say no.

Only agree to it if you didn't really mean what you said when you bothered to have the chat with her.

It is actually not at all kind to give in because, like an indulged child, she will get the idea that she can have her way, ultimately, even if it means she has to put up with the odd bit of 'discipline' from time to time when she drives people really mad (and she can cry then too, to get sympathy.)

You're being honest with her about how you feel here - everyone else has just dumped her. You are doing her a favour parenting her essentially.

Reply "I thought you were taking great nephew. I'm afraid that date isn't available either, I do wish you had checked before as we agreed last night. "

Okay. So I text her back, saying that date was also a no no, and she should have checked, but she should not waste the tickets and take great nephew.

She just replied 'Fine'

I will just leave her to it for a bit now.

Stick to your guns. She's testing you.

Well done for sticking to your guns OP

Well done OP, that was hard I'm sure but I think important - as others have said she was definitely testing how much she could break back through those boundaries you've laid down!

I think you've struck a good balance but stay firm and don't let her wear you down with emotional guilt tripping. If her own son has turned away from that it sounds like it's for a reason.