To ask if separation can sometimes be better for children?

[Noneedtoberudedear]

Because I really think DH and I are reaching the end of the road...

We have toddler twins and our relationship has gone steadily downhill since they were born. I don’t want them brought up by two fighting parents and we’ve both agreed that separating is probably for the best.

Has anyone separated and found it improved things for them and their children? I feel so scared right now. I honestly don’t know what the future will hold for us all and how I will cope

Of course it can.

Separating amicably and co-parenting positively is far better for children than having two parents in the same house arguing.

Nno doubt about it. Good luck

Absolutely. My parents stayed together for my sake and the constant tension/fighting/upset ruined my childhood. But obvious new partners and mixed families present other challenges for children, there’s no easy answer.

Absolutely. ExDH and I separated, it was amicable and we're all much happier for it, DD included. Ex and I get on so much better now we're apart, we still do the odd family day out. We're all in the middle of moving to a new city - we always said that if we move, we all do - together but separately.
Don't get me wrong, he still annoys the fuck out of me, but it's so much more manageable now I don't have to live with him and I'm sure he feels the same.

Thank you @Dhalandchips

@Uokhun77 I’m very sorry to hear that It’s exactly what I don’t want for my children.

I just feel so guilty. They are IVF babies. It took me nearly four years to conceive them and DH was such a rock through it all. To see everything turn to shit like this is just utterly devastating. I don’t know where we went wrong.

Having twins is an enormous stress, it would be tough on any relationship. If things were good before they came along could it just be the pressure and sleep deprivation has temporarily knocked you both? Things will get much easier in a couple of years.

Have you tried counselling?

Definitely better in some cases than arguing/dragging out a bad relationship. I split with DC’s dad when DC was a baby and it actually worked out to do it young as DC has no memory of us being together and just totally accepts the situation.

However in your case, could it be the stress of ivf, twin pregnancy, then twins (you must barely get a minute to yourselves!)? It might be worth exploring in counselling even if the ultimate decision is to separate? I tried to do counselling with ex (more to work out details of an amicable separation than to repair the relationship) but he just sat there angrily muttering so I decided not to pay £50 an hr for something he wasn’t willing to even engage with.

We’re due to start counselling soon with Relate. My HV supported us to access a new programme they have just started up for parents in conflict.

I just don’t feel like I can do it anymore. We had words this morning and the babies both started crying. It’s just so unfair on them. Plus when we argue he’ll start saying how his life with me has been miserable for years?? It’s getting to the point where I just think sod off then if life with me is so horrific.

@Starlight39 I wouldn’t have wasted the £50 either. That must have been infuriating

I’m sorry OP, that was such a shitty thing of him to say. Best of luck with the counselling but if it doesn’t work out then please don’t worry about your children, they sound like they have a fantastic mum and they are too little for it to have a big emotional impact on them.

I have never been in this situation myself but all through my childhood, my Mum and Dad argued constantly. I remember that I used to WISH my Mum would kick my Dad out because it was so bad.

Separating itself and being happier in a co parent relationship is better than having two parents together but miserable. It's the ones that get into new relationships almost immediately and who then say the children are happier than ever that gets me.
In all honesty, I don't think any child comes away unscathed from separation/divorce but obviously growing up in a household of arguments and unhappy parents is not the way forward.
I think a lot of it comes down to how the parents co parent, what decisions they make and if they are putting their child first that really counts.

Yes and no.

It can mean an end to the arguments but also means less time with a parent, less money, new partners and blended families etc.

I’ve seen it work with 50/50 contact where both parents date away from their children and co parent well but it’s a rare occurrence. Adults usually put their own wants first and claim the children are happy yet they will tell a very different tale as adults.

Speaking as someone whose parents 'stuck it out for the sake of the children': if you want to leave, get out while they're still young. Because they're going to base their future marriages on what they see at home, and if they see toxic patterns their chances of building happy relationships are much lower.

My DPs split up when I was a toddler. I'm glad they did as it sounds like they argued constantly.

What caused problems for me was how their subsequent relationships affected me. Blended families etc have to be handled very carefully.

Absolutely. I left DDs father when she was 10months. Best decision I ever made. I was instantly happier and she has had a much better life. She sees him regularly and we're amicable, but she also has a great relationship with my DP.

My parents separated when I was 2 and is probably the best decision they ever made! They had been together for a long time before having me but they decided to separate before things got nasty or bitter and were therefore able to remain friends. As an adult I feel I was coparented by two people who really cared about each other and me - they have both got on well with each others partners since etc and we have christmas together. Sometimes it is for the best

It can be 100% better. My parents spent every weekend fighting as I grew up. I'd spend almost every night I could sleeping over at friends houses to get away from it. When I was forced to be at home I'd be hiding away in my bedroom with headphones on trying to block it out.

Once they split up everything got better. I could feel comfortable in my own home, and spend time with my parents without panicking it would devolve into another fight I'd be stuck in the middle of.

I agree that it can definitely be better.

My parents separated and then divorced when I was a teenager. My mother had resisted this on the grounds that that they should stay together 'for the sake of the children'. Actually, we were much happier when they split up. The fighting didn't stop, but we didn't have to witness it because it was done through the courts not at home.

As the child of divorced parents, would I have preferred them to stay together - even if unhappy? Yes.

Of course. About half of children have separated parents these days. I'm a child of divorce. So is my DS.

It works if the two parents both put the needs of the children first. No point scoring, no forcing them into blended families quickly, being amicable towards each other, and both taking an equal interest in raising the children.

I would imagine that having two toddlers around 100% of the time would try even the most solid relationship.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you still have a lot of love for your DH and don’t want things to end. I found the toddler years so stressful and tedious, but once they get to about 5 or 6 all of a sudden things get so much easier. It would be a shame to throw everything away when if you fast forward a few years things may be perfectly ok again.

Sounds like a bit of a bonkers idea maybe but rather than split up, would you be able to rent a small bedsit or flat nearby and maybe have two nights a week there each on your own, to get away from it all and have some space and me time? You’d then have three nights a week all together as a family which would be more manageable perhaps? And if ultimately you do end up splitting up your DC will be used to spending time with each parent separately so it wouldn’t be such a shock to them.

How old are the twins? You both may be absolutely exhausted if they are babies still. Many marriages do not survive the toddler years, but if you put your relationship first for the sake of the kids it may work.

It may be as simple as ensuring the babies have a routine, are in bed at 7 so you both have a bit of a quiet time to touch down with yourselves and each other.

I would say the first 2 years are the difficult ones, by 3 it is much much more easy, still need a log of attention but it is not the constant stress that they are going to kill themselves if you turn the other way.

I split from my little girls dad when she was 6months old. I think it's better for her to be raised by two separate happy parents than two parents who constantly argue and fall out but are together.