To ask if separation can sometimes be better for children?

[Noneedtoberudedear]

Because I really think DH and I are reaching the end of the road...

We have toddler twins and our relationship has gone steadily downhill since they were born. I don’t want them brought up by two fighting parents and we’ve both agreed that separating is probably for the best.

Has anyone separated and found it improved things for them and their children? I feel so scared right now. I honestly don’t know what the future will hold for us all and how I will cope

I think it depends on how you handle future relationships. My family were so close until my parents separated. Both of them have caused problems with new relationships that have come and gone. I have no relationship with my father now, one of my brothers has a strained relationship with my Mum and none of my siblings have a great relationship with my father. It has also caused issues between my siblings and I and we aren't close now. I wish my parents had stayed together, I know they have both had period of regret too. I know every case is different but this is my experience of separated parents.

Absolutely, the change for the better in my kids is incredible since my ex moved out 6 months ago. I always underestimated how important happy parents is!

It certainly can be. My parents stayed together "for the sake of the children" and it was absolute fucking misery. Several years of New Years where my only wish was for these two people who hated each other to get a divorce. I might be an extreme case but it completely turned me off romantic relationships for life. I just never wanted to go there.

I had other friends whose parents stuck together until their kids were at university and then split the moment they got the chance. My friends were all bloody devastated by the revelation that the happy family they remembered had been a lie.

Of course, if parents can't handle the separation like adults then that's a different story.

As the child of warring parents...

You are deluded if you think your kids won't notice your hostility/coldness to each other.

And another likely outcome is that they will end up feeling they were somehow to blame for mummy and daddy being unhappy. And it fucks them right up (ask me how I know!)

My son's childhood has been 100% improved by his parents separating. He's had a calm, pleasant home to grow up in with plenty of positive attention and a financially stable mum. Compared with his home before we separated it's a total 180. I absolutely know his childhood would have been so much worse if we had stayed together.

Yes absolutely. Me and stbx have called it a day and I can’t wait for him to move out mainly because I know the children’s lives will be so much better. There’s nothing worse for a child than living with both parents when the atmosphere is toxic and unhappy.

This is why it really annoys me when people use the fact that a child’s parents are together as a tool to shoot down any reason why a child might be unhappy. No child should have to feel grateful for their parents still being together!

Not sure. My parents argued throughout our childhood. They stuck it out, as I have a brother with SN and they knew he'd struggle with a divorce. Also they could not have afforded to run two homes. Anyway they are still together now after 50 years of marriage. My brother still lives with them. They have different hobbies and interests, and seem happier in retirement.

My parents separated when I was 4. I'm very relieved they divorced. They each remarried, and their second marriages have both lasted over 40 years now.

I think it depends - if it's amicable and no fighting about money or access it can work.
Also going on to have subsequent relationship plus more kids quickly isn't great (in my opinion!)
However I do wonder if you tried finding ways to have more down time each & also couple time?
It would be expensive but still cheaper than running two households to:- get a cleaner, pay for childminder for a couple of days, have night out together etc... it sounds like you really wanted the kids & are probably exhausted from having twins (as would most of us)
Try taking turns to cover weekend afternoon so one of you gets a full break then swap over. Sorry if this is all obvious!

I don't honestly know.

Ex and I split when DS1 was 5 months. It was hard, but we seemed to reach a decent point quite quickly, I think mainly because we laid down ground rules together in terms of what we hoped for and expected and neither of us tried to deviate from them. I met DH when DS1 was 2, and he's now 14. He gets on well with DH, loves DS2, has a great relationship with his Dad and his Dad's DW (who is genuinely lovely).

We are all able to spend time together happily, respectfully and contribute equally to DS1's childhood. There's very little friction from any corner and it's as nice as it's possible to be.

But it's still disjointed, it's still two homes, two families, two lives. DS1 is a happy teen, seems pretty well adjusted and copes admirably. But if I had my time again I'm not sure I'd have wanted him to "cope" with his childhood. DS2 has only ever known one home, one family, one life, and I don't think he's had to cope a single day of his life. I wouldn't take back marrying DH and I certainly wouldn't wish DS1 was any different, but there's no question that despite the fact that Ex and I care and co-parent well (better than most families we know, in fact) there's a definite sense that something's been harder for DS1 than it should have been.

If done when children are young then it's better to split.

I'm fed up of seeing the effects of parents breaking up and finding new partners has on teenage children. They find it so hard to cope with.

It would definitely have been better for me, as my dad was abusive and angry every day, which has had a very negative lifetime impact on my siblings and I.
In your shoes I would try counselling together and also waiting out the toughest years, and twins I imagine is twice as tough. Unless he is actually abusive, then I'd recommend splitting up asap.

Definitely

@ChileConCarne Can I ask your reasons for wishing they’d stayed together? (If you don’t mind saying obviously)

@Stuckinarut81 it’s not a bonkers idea at all Unfortunately we are a low income family who are just about managing to keep a roof over our heads at the moment as it is!

@IdiotInDisguise They are 15 months old. They usually are in bed by 7pm but then there’s dishes to wash, house to tidy, I have college work to revise...it never ends! Plus it’s gotten to the point now where we just argue anyway.

I hate that things have ended up like this. All I ever wanted was a home and family (sad I know) I’m 40 so it’s taken me a long time to get here. I would love to work things out but I feel like we’re at the point where we just aren’t listening to each other at all.

@Screwtheclockchange and @BuzzShitbagBobbly this is my fear. That we will screw them up staying together. I love them more than anything in the world and I just want them to grow up happy and secure. It’s not just about what DH and I want anymore

Can you learn to like each other again? Or do you really think its the end?

Splitting whilst they are young is kinder. They will grow up with you always being apart. However if you think your relationship is salvageable you have time to work on it. What you don't want to do is spend 5+ years constantly arguing and eventually calling it a day when they're old enough to realise and have listened to arguments all that time.

@Teachermaths I really don’t know I do still love him, but we just don’t seem able to get along anymore. He seems really resentful of me “I never get any say in anything” “you’ve been horrible to me for years” etc. etc. It’s breaking my heart.

In reality when we met he had no job, no prospects and was practically estranged from his family. Since we’ve got together I’ve helped him become employable, helped him go places/do things he’d never done before and helped him build ties with his family. Yet he just seems so angry at me. I don’t want the babies growing up thinking this is normal. Hence why (as you say) I think it’s better to do it now than when they are older.

Oo that sounds awful and not just like the stress of 2 babies.

They are young enough for you to have a trial separation without much long term effect if you did get back together. Get him to move out for a few weeks and see how you cope. He might realise what he's losing.

Generally I would say better to split if you are truly unhappy but the baby and toddler years put a strain on the strongest of relationships so you are not at the best stage of any if your lives to make such a life changing decision. Hopefully the counselling will help and I also suggest thinking about what your future would look like - is the thought of not seeing your children on their birthday or Christmas morning enough to make either (Or hopefully both) of you make a real concerted effort to get things back on track. However it works out, wishing you all the best x

Definitely. I'm now divorced and get on better with xh now, dc aren't hearing arguing or seeing me upset, all much happier. We still do family days and been on holiday 3 times although I imagine that'll change if/when new partners are on the scene

I can only speak as the eldest child of two parents who were always quarrelling. My siblings and I spent our childhoods listening to the rows and recriminations. We were always on edge, just waiting for them to announce they were splitting up. I so wish they had. But they never did.

@Teachermaths there’s nowhere for him to really go for a few weeks. In fact there’s nowhere for him to go full stop. When we argue he’ll sometimes say he’d be gone by now if he had anywhere to go (although he’ll always take it back later)

@12help34please56 I hear what you’re saying but my worry is the damage it might do to our children while we try and work through it. They’ve already started picking up on when we argue even though they are still very small.

He’d be the one not seeing them Xmas and birthdays. I waited nearly 40 years for these babies and spent my inheritance to get them! Although that’s part of the problem from DHs point of view. He says I just view them as my children.

I’m sorry @vintagesewingmachine

He’d be the one not seeing them Xmas and birthdays. I waited nearly 40 years for these babies and spent my inheritance to get them!

I do think that’s a problematic attitude. He is as much their parent and is entitled to see them in whatever split you BOTH work out on important days.

Separating is definitely better than living with two parents who have contempt for one another. If you stay with someone after the relationship has turned toxic you are telling your children that this is what families should be.

That's not to say it is easy on children. Separation is always hard and they will be upset by it. If there is point-scoring and the parents try to hurt one another it will have an impact. I don't think it should be undertaken lightly.

But "staying together for the children's sake" when the love has gone is a recipe for misery all round.