Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH moved out today

159 replies

DHhasleft · 02/11/2019 21:35

And DS2 is not coping. He is 10. Has completely shut down. At first he was on the sofa, refusing to come to bed, in the end I covered him with a blanket. He has since come upstairs into his room and been sobbing. I lay with him for a while, stroking his hair. When he had had enough I went back to bed. 10 minutes later he starts trying to kick his door in. Terrifying DS3. I managed to force my way in to his room and he hit and kicked me until pushing bast and running back downstairs. He's just screaming get away.

I don't know what to do, DS3 is in my bed and still awake wanting me to be with him. DS1 is in his room sobbing. I feel utterly helpless

OP posts:
NoFun21 · 03/11/2019 20:35

I don’t see what’s so extreme about his behaviour- he’s upset shchi I think it’s better out than in as they say. At least he’s venting now rather than holding it in and then getting into a fight at school or something.

fazakerleyjackie · 03/11/2019 20:42

Well done you, they know you care.
Grand Prix on here, driving me bonkers, apprentice sounds a better choice! Things will be up and down for a while yet, but you are doing great.

Spritesobright · 03/11/2019 20:52

I read your thread with interest. Glad you're all a bit more settled now.
I went through similar when SBXH left.
My 4 year old reacted similarly (in agression) and demanded to know when I was leaving her.
I had some good advice at the time that I wanted to share.

  • You're the 'safe' parent because you didn't leave. So it's horrible that they're taking it out on you but good that they feel safe doing so with you
  • just keep reassuring them that you are there and will love them no matter what
  • it's actually positive that they're expressing themselves somehow. If they bottle it up it could just fester for years.

I got my 4 yo to "draw her feelings" and she scribbled so hard she ripped the page but better than hitting me or herself

  • we also did "playfighting" where I tried to kiss her and there was a line on the floor we didn't cross. It sounds strange but she needed to express her anger
In my situation there was also an OW but no way was I going to share that with a 4 and 7yo. I told them that "Daddy left because he was unhappy" so he didn't want to be with Mummy but still wanted to be with them. That was enough. They have a very good relationship with their father now and see him regularly. This is the worst bit. It gets easier and better and you find a new normal.
PrettyPurse · 03/11/2019 20:54

Flowers for you @DHhasleft

My XH left for OW 2.5yrs ago. Ds1 was 13 and ds2 was 10yrs.

Ds1 is autistic and has "compartmentalised" it all. He on the outside has coped better but he also won't discuss it.

Ds2 hasn't coped at all. He has angry out bursts like above. He has had two lots of counselling.

Ds2 struggled with it all from the start as we knew OW and so he asked straight away as he left if she was XH girlfriend. I have never lied but made the explanations age appropriate.

Ds2 is really "testing" us all with his attitude and behaviour currently. My xMIL phoned earlier and we both agree that XH (i.e her son) didn't handle things well when he left.

He introduced the OW officially after 4 weeks and refused to spend time with the boys without her.

Shame of it is, OW is actually very nice!

needyorgrumpy · 03/11/2019 21:10

You rock op. You sound like a bloody amazing mum and I'm in awe at how you're keeping all your shit together with what you've been through. Thanks

It's a horrible transition for them to go through but in time, it will get easier. You're making them feel safe and loved, right now that's all that matters.

Original poster
DHhasleft · 04/11/2019 10:10

@PrettyPurse Flowers for you too

I keep coming back to this thread just to read all these postive messages, thank you to you all, I can't express how much it helps

OP posts:
AmIThough · 04/11/2019 10:22

@DHhasleft I've just read the thread and want you to know I think you're fantastic and your boys know it too Thanks

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 04/11/2019 11:01

I’m glad you had a ‘good’ evening op.
The dc are very lucky to have you Star

PrettyPurse · 04/11/2019 11:11

Contact school and ask for a referral for the boys to the counselling service.

PrettyPurse · 04/11/2019 11:15

Mine were really worried about where we'd live and l unfortunately couldn't ease their worries as l didn't know either as XH wanted the house sold.

XH also told them that they mustn't tell me anything about him an his new place and what they do with him.

He put enormous amounts of pressure on the boys to become a "new" family unit with the OW that he has succeeded in causing issues now.

I really hope your XH takes it more gently!

Original poster
DHhasleft · 04/11/2019 11:22

We are lucky that I am able to stay in our home with the DC. It's the only home they've known.

So far so good with DH - as long as I behave accordingly (much like our relationship). This is sustainable for now, but not forever. My focus right now is on the DC, I can wait.

OP posts:
FizzyIce · 04/11/2019 11:35

Just wanted to say you sound amazing and you are doing a fantastic job .

moomoomummy · 04/11/2019 11:47

I don't have wise words but wanted to say how lovely that you are getting strength from MN . Hope things settle soon for you and kids.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 04/11/2019 11:51

You do sound amazing & the one thing you can give your kids is to be a permanent fixture who is there for them. You may need to set some boundaries in future but for now letting them express anger/sadness/upset/confusion and simply being available if and when they need you is the best thing you can do. There will be more anger and outrage if/when they learn about there being someone else so it might be worth thinking ahead in case that happens, whether you intend to tell them or not the truth will generally come out at some point &its would be awful if they initially were upset with you as well if they think you've been lying to them. (My parents split due to philandering father a long long time ago so wee bit of experience here, it's a horrible time for kids as it is such a grown up situation to have to get your head around and often kids won't have the emotional maturity to daily process and deal with it all.)

Good luck OP it sounds like you're being incredible as it must be an awful time for you too. Hang in there ThanksThanksThanks

Ginghamricecakes · 05/11/2019 20:25

Just stumbled across this thread and just wanted to say wow OP, you sound like a fantastic Mum!
My parents split when I was 8, and I remember feeling so angry and had no idea how to cope, much like your DS. Everything you are doing sounds wonderful, and your DC will adjust to the idea eventually. I think you've done such an honourable and selfless thing to not tell your DC about the separation being due to OW, and that speaks volumes about how you must put your children first! Flowers In the future, I assure you they will respect and love you all the more for it, and likewise as they mature and learn about the situation, they will judge their Dad accordingly, as is deserved!
You focus on taking care of yourself and your boys, goodluck OP Smile

Original poster
DHhasleft · 06/11/2019 10:36

Thank you happy and gingham.

They are getting better every day. DS2 still in with me at night, he can stay as long as he needs. DS1 quite down so hoping the school can get moving with some support. DS3 is my biggest concern right now, he seems to be in complete denial, I don't know if I should let him be or have more of a talk with him. I'm thinking that in time it will sink in but not sure if this is the best approach.

OP posts:
Original poster
DHhasleft · 06/11/2019 21:41

He said he misses him at bedtime tonight so maybe it has sunk in, he's just not been talking about it Sad

OP posts:
Horsemad · 06/11/2019 22:26

Sad I imagine it's the shock wearing off, even if he didn't 'seem' shocked at first.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 06/11/2019 23:08

Everybody processes things in different speeds and in different ways. I think your approach sounds great, OP. Reassure him that you love him, you always will, you're not going anywhere. Just let him know you're there for him when he needs you. I know you're doing all this already, just sending you hot chocolate and moral support. Brew

raspberrymolakoff · 08/11/2019 20:00

How are you all doing today? Thinking of you.

Isaididont · 08/11/2019 20:18

Just want to add to what the others have said, that you sound like such a lovely mum, you are making your boys feel safe and loved.

Original poster
DHhasleft · 09/11/2019 07:08

We have been OK thank you. Been keeping busy which I think is helping. Day to day they're not seeing much difference as STBXH 'worked' Hmm late frequently so weekdays are much the same as before.

Seeing a big improvement in DS2, there've been no more outbursts so i have my fingers crossed.

OP posts:
flobonobo · 09/11/2019 23:38

@DHhasleft glad to hear things are better. You sound super caring.

I saw you mention DS3 is not coping so well. Please do talk to him on a level relevant for his age. Unsure how old he is. I went through parental separation and no one told me a thing, but I heard and knew a lot which I internalised but couldn’t make sense of. I’d have been much less anxious with some honesty I think.

I’m so honest with my kids, I ask their good bits and bad bits of the day. I also share mine with them. I share my feelings thoughts and emotions on an age appropriate level too. I hope I’m doing the right thing, the idea being that I’m hopefully instilling in them it’s good to talk about how you feel, it’s ok if things aren’t great, but being open can help you work through things. I also am far from perfect and apologise to them when I’ve dealt with something wrong, which I hope allows them to see that recognising you’re wrong is a good thing. That’s taken years for me to get to as an adult!

Alsioma · 10/11/2019 01:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

fazakerleyjackie · 10/11/2019 18:51

@DHhasleft Just looking in here to see how you are doing. Hold your head up high, you've done an amazing job, be proud of yourself.
You've survived the first week, and your children know that you love them. You are their constant one. It's a rocky road, but you will get to the top of the mountain. Good for you, well done, you are a star Flowers