DH moved out today

[DHhasleft]

And DS2 is not coping. He is 10. Has completely shut down. At first he was on the sofa, refusing to come to bed, in the end I covered him with a blanket. He has since come upstairs into his room and been sobbing. I lay with him for a while, stroking his hair. When he had had enough I went back to bed. 10 minutes later he starts trying to kick his door in. Terrifying DS3. I managed to force my way in to his room and he hit and kicked me until pushing bast and running back downstairs. He's just screaming get away.

I don't know what to do, DS3 is in my bed and still awake wanting me to be with him. DS1 is in his room sobbing. I feel utterly helpless

It's a bad night a difficult week. Gather them close and brace yourself
There isn't a magic set of words
But one morning it will seem a bit better than yesterday.
Your DSL feels safe enough to Express his feelings with you and you should be proud of that. If those feelings get too big I have no doubt you'll know if you need to get him more help
Keep school in the loop they can probably help him a bit as well

I know it doesn’t feel like it OP, but you really are doing an amazing job. Supporting your dc whilst you are hurting too will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. It does get better, but you will need to be kind to yourself. Don’t expect much of yourself or the children, hunker down and heal.

I am prouder that I and my two (then 6 and 11) got through this phase than I am of anything else in my life. You will also survive it, you sound like a wonderful mum.

These women have your back OP. for you all.

Is this a total shock to them or has it been coming for a while?

OP no advice but just a hug and a hand hold.

you are doing great. XXXXX

How did you approach Dad leaving? Were you being dramatic?
Was it calm?

Why can't they call their Dad if they need him?

Where is the DH gone?
Is there an OW?

You and the kids will survive this.
Its hard now but it will get much better, in time.

never take the DH back.
He may try to insert himself back in the home, once he realises the grass is not greener wherever he fecked off to.

I hope you all managed to get some rest. It does get easier eventually, I promise.

No advice but am in awe of you. You're amazing doing all that on your own even though you're likely hurting too. I hope you have a good support network. Thinking of you and your DCs x

Thank you again, these posts are so heart warming and reassuring. I moved DS3 back into his bed and he slept soundly. DS2 eventually got in with me. The film ended and he wanted to stay on the sofa but I said if he changed his mind there was room in with me. He slept in my arms and is now still in with me watching another film. He doesn't want to go to his match so I have said that is fine, but also ok if he changes his mind. DS3 is up and seems himself. DS1 still sound asleep.

I don't want to go into too much detail but yes, OW. The DC dont know this though, we told them last week that he would be moving out because we will be happier as friends.

They went back to school last week and I have briefed their teachers already.

I'm a few months on from separating and he moved out 3 weeks ago, it's tough even though the kids are older. My 20 year old slept in my bed for 2 nights when he left and the dog is the biggest issue, he's so confused and crying at night (he never did). Get yourself as much rl support as you can and remember you are not alone ... men!

You’re doing a great job.
You’ve handled it so well and he’ll always remember how you cuddled him to sleep when he was so upset.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to call your ~d~h op. It’s important for the dc not to think that if they have a meltdown- that he’ll come... or that you can’t cope without him.

You’re doing a wonderful job
Please believe in yourself, you are going to be happy again.

Also op - can I just put my tuppenth in?

Kids are very astute - they know there is something you’re not telling them, they may think dh has left because of them and that’s what you’re hiding. Kids tend to internalise confusing feelings. Remember how you felt when you knew something was wrong and that you weren’t being told the truth?
Don’t sacrifice you’re dc’s mental health to protect the dick head.

'I don’t think it’s a good idea to call your ~d~h op. It’s important for the dc not to think that if they have a meltdown- that he’ll come... or that you can’t cope without him.'

This is exactly why it wasn't an option

'Don’t sacrifice you’re dc’s mental health to protect the dick head'

I'm not protecting him, I'm protecting the DC's relationship with him. He was a shit DH but an excellent father.

So sorry for you OP. What a shit time for you all.

You sound a great mum. Things will get better x

Part of being an excellent father isn’t put the children in this position. He isn’t an excellent father if he has swanned off with another woman. You should think about changing your mindset on this. It will harm the children in the long run if they think this behaviour is alright, because it isn’t.

Can I ask why you're not telling them the truth about the OW? It must be so hard for you but in a way you are protecting their dad. It might be harder for the DC to understand why you can't just 'be friends' and still live together. My heart goes out to you as the worst thing for me was seeing my children's sadness. But it does get easier with time.

Omg. You are at the beginning of a very horrible and steep learning curve.

It is their father's job to teach them who he is. There are a billion ways he can find to be a good dad in spite being separated from you.

You have enough to do teaching your child about who you are.

It will be a very difficult time.

Don't make it harder by assuming unnecessary responsibility for your h.

You sound like an amazing mother. You will get through this.

'It will harm the children in the long run if they think this behaviour is alright, because it isn’t.'

They won't ever think it is. He's not living with her and it's highly likely their relationship will end, she won't leave her DH.

@DHhasleft

No advice OP but just to say you sound like an incredible woman, your OH has left for OW and you are picking up the pieces best you can, your boys are lucky to have you. I hope you are doing ok aswell, and sometime soon in the future you will look back on this and be so proud of yourself. Wishing you and your boys all the best x

Right, so even more reason to tell them why then. I can’t describe the feeling of betrayal they will feel when they get older and discover nobody told them why he left

You sound absolutely amazing to me OP. Can you spoil everyone a bit today and order domino's or go to the cinema or invite family over for a takeaway - or whatever their favourite activity is. And then maybe when their dad next has them book yourself in for a spa day or weekend somewhere? Sounds like you all deserve something.

OP, I hope today goes smoother for you. From your posts, you’ve been an amazing support to your boys so far. I also think you’re making the right decision with what you’ve chosen to tell them right now.