DH moved out today

[DHhasleft]

And DS2 is not coping. He is 10. Has completely shut down. At first he was on the sofa, refusing to come to bed, in the end I covered him with a blanket. He has since come upstairs into his room and been sobbing. I lay with him for a while, stroking his hair. When he had had enough I went back to bed. 10 minutes later he starts trying to kick his door in. Terrifying DS3. I managed to force my way in to his room and he hit and kicked me until pushing bast and running back downstairs. He's just screaming get away.

I don't know what to do, DS3 is in my bed and still awake wanting me to be with him. DS1 is in his room sobbing. I feel utterly helpless

No advice here OP, just sending sympathy and strength. You sound like you are coping incredibly well with a horrible situation. I hope you all get some rest tonight.

Think about how much more settled things will be in a year. for your new start.

I agree, honesty is key. They need to know they can trust you. I answered any questions honestly.

I also found it much more difficult with my youngest who completely shut down. He just couldn’t talk about how he felt. He’d cry in my arms but he couldn’t find the words to express how he felt (I’m welling up thinking about that time )

I didn’t want to keep asking him questions so I asked him to write down 3 things on a piece of paper about how he felt and to put them on my pillow. I promised him I wouldn’t mention it but that it would be good for me to know how he was feeling. It really worked. It meant I could adapt what I was doing to help him without bombarding him. Mostly what he needed was to be close to me a lot.

Another sending you support, although no great advice.
It's one of those things that you can't "fix" for your ds, you can only be there. As a mum of teenagers this is something I have become used to. It's hard, you want to fix it, but you cant. But my dkids assure me that me being there has helped. In years to come your ds's will appreciate you just being there and they will understand

We are all here for you ok.i know it's so tough.ur all being really brave.
Something helped here was a notepad.it was then written on.left under door or just put on my lap as he left the room.he managed to say what he needed to on it without the face to face thing.
Keep with him.and if u have to go out,move.away from his distress just tell him he going to so some .... but it here for him/not left him.
Tell him ur scared and confused too but wht you do no is u love him very much.repeat.repeat.to all of.them.keep yourself loved too.try have tiny little moment to console yourself.

Oh your poor lad and poor you. You are doing a terrific job.

@DHhasleft I am so sorry about your break-up. Your children are obviously very upset but the bottom line is that they know deep down that you are their constant. You are the one who is there, and your DS2 is only reacting this way because he is grieving the absence, and therefore loss, of his father. I think in the morning he will be distracted by activities but in the middle of the night everything seems so much worse, as we all know. Anyway, the most important thing at the moment is to think about you, and how you are, so here's a virtual hug, handhold, and a big bunch of flowers. It will get better, and you will navigate this really well, and your kids will be fine (maybe not today, but soon). 🌻

Oh, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You're doing an amazing job

Being a constant presence in their life and containing their emotions is just what they need right now. You know you're not going anywhere, but they've just experienced one parent move out, and may be scared that you will leave too.

My son broke down in tears at school as I dropped him off. He told the teacher - who was amazing - that he didn't want me to go incase I was gone when he came home.

It's a fearful time for them, their landscape has completely changed. You sound like you're approaching it just right; accepting their feelings, giving them space if they need it, and unconditional love.

Really hard for you when you're going through so much as well. Be kind to yourself, if everyone's too tired tomorrow to do "normal" things then so what? Have a lazy day, eat your favourite foods, doze off, chat, watch a film together. You'll find your new normal.

OP he wants probably wants confirmation of what he's feeling too and that it's not just him. If he gets angry again and lashing out, find any old or cheap crockery you can spare/hate/whatever and take him in the yard if you have one and smash the lot piece by piece, together.

I’m sorry you & your boys a are going through this.

You’re there for them, that’s what they need. Who is there for you?

It's an absolute shit situation but no excuse for such behaviour.

Don’t be daft, his whole world has just fallen apart. He shouldn’t be hurting you (Op) but the wall - Meh. As long as he didn’t hurt himself, I could’ve live with that.

Poor kids.💕

*Acknowledgement rather than confirmation, sorry. Kids want emotions matched like for like to see that they're heard and understood.

You are a fantastic Mum and doing great (even though you may feel that you aren't.)
It must feel so lonely for you at the moment. These boys love you so much, even though they are confused and hurting and sad.

The advice here is great and supportive, and I've nothing to add to that. I'm thinking of you and willing you onwards through this to better days. Be kind to yourself too.

Definitely reassure all 3 of them that you aren’t going anywhere, ever.

These aren't my words (I could never be that eloquent), they are from another Mumsnetter. I reread them when times are dark and they always make me feel less alone:

Imagine all the people who support you - all of us, your family, your friends, your colleagues, your children, ancestors, your guardian angels and God (if those things feel right to you). Your GP, your school teachers, everybody who would have your back either in the past or now. Imagine seeing each of them, and seeing them walk into formation behind you. Then the next, and the next. Make up faces and bodies for us MNers you haven't met. We're all behind you, we've got your back. Take a moment to feel the sheer weight of support behind you. You've totally got this. And we've got you.

One day at a time OP, you're doing great.

OP, what a difficult situation.

I really feel for all of you. It may not be a bad thing that your son is trying to express his feelings/upset as he is, unpleasant as it may be. It sounds like you've handled it brilliantly today, well done.

I think in those extreme situations the best to do is, as suggested above, just stay nearby and reassure. If a kid threatens to hurt themself or others, you need to step in, otherwise, it's okay to let them work through it until they get to the feelings underneath.

Hope you all have a better day tomorrow. You will get through it. Day at a time. Take good care of yourself, too - when you can carve out some time for sitting with your own emotions and grief. x

Poor boy, he's suffering. As are you. You sound strong, supportive and exactly what he needs. So sorry you're going through this. Loving, protecting and caring is hugely demanding, I hope you have chance to recover yourself too. Much love xx

@DHhasleft so sorry to hear that you & your children are going through this very painful experience. I hope the worst of the storm passes in the coming days. Are your children back at school on Monday ? Might you be able to contact pastoral care before they due back in class either to arrange some form of compassionate leave or alert the school of what has happened - same for your workplace if you due in. Perhaps you & the kids need some comfort time at home to adjust.

@CouldBeAGreatMum TY for such thoughtful & practical advice.

My BiL & SIL marriage is rapidly falling apart & my overwhelming concern is for the kids. The adults involved are wrapped up in their own concerns, & their small kids are onlookers. Heartbreaking for Auntie & Uncle here.

Hi op,

You are definitely not alone, I’m another in this situation. DH left 3 years ago when my 4 DS were 16, 13, 11 and 9. I have hated seeing them so hurt and let down by him leaving but they will cope and so will you and it will probably bring you closer.

You are doing an amazing job, this will be the worst night, they are in shock and it will get better, although I’m afraid I think children suffer forever from break ups. Stay strong and keep showing your love, that’s the most important thing at the moment.

@JustCheesz That's a great post.

You’re doing an absolutely amazing job OP. Your sons are very lucky to have you and this is all completely understandable behaviour from your DS2. He will be alright in the long run, so don’t lose hope. Why can his dad not help him or at least spend some time with him tomorrow to talk through things (if that hasn’t already been done). Perhaps he’s feeling like his dad has gone and is never going to return - is this the case or will dad still be spending time with his boys?

I’m so sorry you’re all going through this

But I reiterate that you are being absolutely amazing. You’re being there for them all and trying your damn hardest. I have 3DCs too, we are stretched at the best of times so just expect that in the worst of times you will feel it tenfold.

Keep us posted on how DS2 is doing x

it will get better and you are doing an amazing job.

Thinking of you 💐

Your doing great OP. Kids blame themselves when parents split up. Constantly reassure your kids it isnt their fault that this has happened.
Explain that moms and dads are sometimes better as friends or just better as moms and dads when not living together. You will all get through this. Best wishes.

@DHhasleft
You're doing incredible. You really are.

Your husband has gone, you haven't said why but also haven't said if you are ok. You are going through a tough time and still putting your children first and seeking help for them. You're doing great. Make sure you look after yourself too.