DH moved out today

[DHhasleft]

And DS2 is not coping. He is 10. Has completely shut down. At first he was on the sofa, refusing to come to bed, in the end I covered him with a blanket. He has since come upstairs into his room and been sobbing. I lay with him for a while, stroking his hair. When he had had enough I went back to bed. 10 minutes later he starts trying to kick his door in. Terrifying DS3. I managed to force my way in to his room and he hit and kicked me until pushing bast and running back downstairs. He's just screaming get away.

I don't know what to do, DS3 is in my bed and still awake wanting me to be with him. DS1 is in his room sobbing. I feel utterly helpless

Not helpful crunchymum

As pp have said, seperation of dp can be absolutely devastating for DC, and so out of their control. Find some empathy eh

How is ds2 now OP?

Your poor boy is so distressed, I'm sure once he's calmed down he'll be wanting a cuddle. I hope he settles down soon, what a sad situation for you all. I've been there with my two daughters and it gets easier for everyone

OP I'm a youth worker. My advice is to be close to him if possible (settle the others in bed with with a laptop movie if they can't sleep and reassure them). I would stay in the room with him or just by the door way but sit at a low level, eg in the floor. Dont go over or touch him and try not to look at him with alarm or speak with any sense of panic or volume, but just calmly acknowledge his feelings and tell him you love him. Repeat things like "you are angry and confused that your dads left and that is completely understandable' and that you love him and say so calmly and repeatedly.
You can talk to him about how better to manage his anger tomorrow once he's calmed down. Right now he needs to know he's safe bless him because he's so shaken. You ARE indeed doing an amazing job.

I am a single parent of two children. One son, who is on the autistic spectrum and can have some spectacular meltdowns, particularly if he is overloaded. I know your son is not autistic, but he has used a very physical way to express his emotions. It is not your fault, it is probably helpful to think it is not his either. Lots of hugs when he settles down, lots of reassurance. Don’t panic about it - not all days will be like this. Right now, it is all very raw.
I agree with asking at school what support is available.

He's back under the blanket. Still doesn't want me near but has calmed. Hes watching the film. DS3 is asleep - I have a small double and he's in there with about 40 teddy bears!!
I am going to stick my head round DS1's door in a sec. Thank you everyone x

I’m so sorry, OP. It sounds impossibly hard.

You aren’t failing them. You’re there, and you love them.

Thinking of you all. I hope tomorrow is a little bit better

Yes sorry, I assumed hugs as my DS needs these - that may not be your DS’s style - you will know best

CouldBeAGreatMum - that's such a great, comforting post.

OP - I think TV is a great idea. Any distraction is.

Stay strong.

Out of interest, why is calling your (ex?)DH not an option? Because he should be helping you with this situation when his children are distressed!
If it’s really not an option, do you have another male relative that could come round and help you? Not saying male because they can replace their dad but maybe they would be able to speak to another guy about it and being so angry with the conversation.

Your DS reaction seems normal. My mum moved out when I was a similar age and I remember I felt quiet destructive and angry and didn’t understand why it was happening.

Is there any one else you can ring to help? I’m so so sorry you’re in this situation. Are you hurt? You’re doing great, you comforted and tried to make him feel safe. The anger will come and go in waves I expect. And possibly running away out of shame because he hurt you. Can you show you’re ok? So so tough for you all. Good luck.

Glad he's calmed down. Hugs xxxxx

CouldBeAGreatMum - thank you, that's really helpful

DS1 has calmed and going to sleep. I think I will try to move DS3 into his bed, so that when the film finishes I can offer DS2 the option of getting with me.

I'm worried about him hurting himself.

Poor little soul. My dad died very suddenly when I was nearly 9. I was terrified about what would happen to us. He will be scared OP.

Oh OP that sounds bloody awful for all of you. Only thing I can say is that he at least feels safe enough with you to let his feeling out, which long term is much better than him pretending he is fine and crashing at 15 or 16.

Fedriteup - just bruised. I told him he was hurting me. I have a chronic pain condition and he knows this. But I did say I wouldn't be going anywhere until I knew he was ok.

I am so sorry @DHhasleft it’s such an unfair/ crappy situation for you and your kids! Did your ds have any warning that this might happen? Or was it a sudden rip the plaster off in one go situation?

You use the word shutdown- that’s a term that is used a lot in the autism community (Autistic parent with autistic children here) is your son on the spectrum? I ask because if he is then the sudden change, coupled with the emotional distress, will just have pushed him to meltdown. Ideally, you want to just create a calm, quiet familiar environment. So I would get him back under his (weighted?) blanket and if he will allow you to lie with him and stroke his hair again then I would do that. It seems your presence is calming to your ds, so lying with him just stroking his hair will be enough to keep him calm. When he is calm again, I suggest you get your other boys, their duvets and just chill on the sofa. Put something on the tv that they can just watch (nothing too loud/ bright or violent). If your ds is used to playing Minecraft or some other game then just encourage him to do as he would normally do. Try not to deviate too far from his routines, as he will find comfort in his normal routine continuing to function. I would make sure he hasn’t hurt himself, he will be in pain, his knuckles, his head, he might not even recollect his meltdown.

If your ds isn’t autistic, then I honestly think the above advice is still helpful. At the moment your ds thinks his world has ended, continuing with his normal routine will help him realise that life goes on. His world hasn’t ended, it’s still his world, it’s just different. I would be prepared to contact his school on Monday though, as whilst the routine of school will be calming, there is a chance that he will have another meltdown at school. If the school are prepared they can support him and hopefully intervene before it gets too far.

Oh your post made me cry. Similar history. I’m so sorry you and your children and feeling this. You sound like you’re a great mum doing a great job though.

Make sure your son knows you are there and love him. Try not chastise for the violent outburst unless it becomes very abusive.

He sounds scared and very upset and doesn’t know how to express his emotions with the huge change going on.

Catch him when he falls, ie when his anger turns to needing a cuddle. I hope all will be ok for you all x

Sorry I was typing and cross posted! I am glad your ds has calmed down and is sleeping now. Sending hugs for you, if it helps he lashed out at you because he knows how much you love him and he can trust that no matter what he does, you will always forgive him and have his back! I remember being shocked when my sons psychologist first told me that, that it is a sign of the love and trust in our relationship. He trusted me with himself at his worst. Hopefully your ds will feel less angry tomorrow.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever - thank you for your post. He's not autustic but does find it difficult expressing his emotions, which is probably down to his age. Often he will just shut down. When we told him DH was moving out he lay face down on the sofa for 40 mins then came to without saying a word about it.

It’s so hard 🙁 I remember the first nights after my boys father went (he caused a lot of emotional confusion for them). They all dealt with it differently, DS2 angrily sending emails demanding answers to questions and very upset, DS3 pretty much closing down. I hated DH more for hurting the boys than got what he’d done to me.
You sound amazing. It’s hard to juggle 3 boys emotions. Different emotions and different needs. Just be present, like you are being. Telling them you understand they feel the way they do. It will calm eventually. It takes time for them to process.
I know how much your heart will be breaking for them 🙁

It sounds like it's all abit sudden unexpected for the DCs. Very difficult to advise, you seem to be doing all the right things, DS2 is hurting, and rightly taking it out on your wall. You must be absolutely honest with your children on events that have led to the break up, they need to know they can see him, and maybe phone. They need to know that it hurts you as much as them, and as Quartz2208 posted "you are there for them"

No advice OP but sending you strength to get through this

Thank you so much for posting,I dont feel quite so alone now

You haven't let them down at all. You're there and that is the most important thing.