DH moved out today

[DHhasleft]

And DS2 is not coping. He is 10. Has completely shut down. At first he was on the sofa, refusing to come to bed, in the end I covered him with a blanket. He has since come upstairs into his room and been sobbing. I lay with him for a while, stroking his hair. When he had had enough I went back to bed. 10 minutes later he starts trying to kick his door in. Terrifying DS3. I managed to force my way in to his room and he hit and kicked me until pushing bast and running back downstairs. He's just screaming get away.

I don't know what to do, DS3 is in my bed and still awake wanting me to be with him. DS1 is in his room sobbing. I feel utterly helpless

My ds goes to the school councillor for anxiety issues. Maybe its worth looking into something like that if your ds is struggling. You are doing a terrific job!

Might add that if they ask I would tell them the truth about why their dad left. It would be terrible for them to think it was something they did or said. Even if they know that they are blameless the truth is always best. If they want to discuss it further tell them to talk to their dad.

Did everyone get some sleep OP?

I’m SO sorry OP, you must be SO furious, devestated, sad, and stressed out by your DH’s actions. How HOW could he do this You are being so strong. Are you okay? How are you feeling? My heart really goes out to you, you’ve really brought home the destruction affairs bring. I think you should tell the kids too by the way, but that’s your decision and you know them best.

How’re you all today OP? Thinking of you and your DC. You’re doing great and sounds as though you’re making them feel very safe under the circs.

I think only you know if it’s right to tell them about OW right now, however, at some point in their lives I would tell them, because you don’t know how they will react if you don’t. You should not have to bear any difficulties with your relationship with your sons because of what he has done. I know my guys appreciated honesty because what he had done was so dishonest. The youngest two were 12 and 14.
However, we had no choice but to tell them why as the OW was pregnant. So maybe I might have waited if that wasn’t the case, I don’t know. We don’t know until we are in the situation do we.
It’s a different scenario. Mine love their dad but they don’t trust him....he betrayed their trust after he’d left too. They want a relationship with him but not with his other family but he doesn’t respect that. They will spend time with him. It’s more complicated than a bulk standard break up.
It does confuse them more, they will have feelings of abandonment and anger so only you can judge when the right time to tell them is.
I can tell you though that you, as a four, will become rock solid. Life will get easier and it will be happy. Those boys of yours will keep you going in the darkest moments and you will for them.

*spend time with just him (although this is limited because he’s ‘so busy’ )

Thank god you’re not one of those mothers who need to tell the children exactly why you split, children don’t need to know about an adult world.. you sound amazing and strong and remind me of my mother who would always want us to have a relationship with my dad no matter what they went through. I respect her so much for that and not putting the burden of their problems onto me.

It is perfectly acceptable to say that Dad has left because you no longer want to live together but reassure them that you both love them.

Have been very moved by your thread OP. You sound like an incredible mother - last night must have been so horribly hard but you handled it with such unwavering courage and sensitivity. Pretty inspiring actually. Your boys are so lucky to have you (and you them of course).

and

I was thinking about you last night OP and willing you the strength to get through this first night.
Thank you for letting us know how things are.
Use the thread to lean on us when it helps won't you?
Just a genuine concern for you and the boys.
No demands here for constant updates.
Know that you can find us all here. Shout up if you need us.
The Force of (MN) is with you

^ sorry for the random brackets, take them as a hug

If it’s any comfort, OP, my 3 boys were 9, 11 and 13 when their father left to be with the OW. They are now 17, 20 and 22. The youngest found it the hardest at the time. He told me recently that it was the worst day of his life.

However, after a few weeks, where I tried very hard to keep to the same routines, and he saw his dad a couple of times, and we started a strict routine of Tuesday tea with their dad and EOW with him, he said he quickly realised it was fine and not that bad at all.

Obviously it took me a lot longer to recover from the shock and hurt, but children are very resilient.

I just wanted to say you are handling this really well, although it may not always feel like it. Putting your children's relationship with their father first is admirable but please look after your wellbeing, too.

Hope today is going, well, ok

I'm glad the night ended calmly OP. I've no experience of separation and don't have DC but I do have a lot of experience with children & young people. For what it's worth you sound like an amazing Mum.

The thing I know is so important is that it's not necessarily about 'fixing' things but simply about acknowledging and validating a child's feelings and letting them know / helping them feel certain that their feelings are normal / okay. I'm sure you have felt like pummelling things OP (maybe you have) and he just needs to hear that feeling angry, frustrated, confused is entirely normal, natural and understandable under the circumstances. Simple calm sentences like "you feel angry because your Dad isn't here" or "you feel confused because there have been lots of changes" in the midst of his tears can really help, followed by "that's ok, and I'm here for you" or similar. He will heal if he knows his feelings are validated and can let them out- albeit more safely next time. Maybe he could be offered a choice of a big cushion or an old teddy to punch at if he needs to, as long as it's done in a structured way and not disruptive to the other two.
Anyway good luck, to you and your dc

fazakerleyjackie this means the world, thank you

DS1 and 3 went out with their Dad today. DS2 wanted to stay home in bed with me so that's what we did. The other two are back now so we've walked to the park to get some air. They all seem much better but I'm anxious about bedtime

for you OP.

I have no experience of this but am thinking of you.

Bedtime will be tough, but not as tough as last night.
Softly does it, as near to routine as you can manage, but it's ok if not.
If they ask questions, be honest but as evenly as you can. They love you, keep remembering that, even if they shout and say awful things.
You must be worn out. But we care, and are sitting with you, remember that. Real people here, behind the silly names and keyboards. x

Coming home was tough, he wouldn't come in the house, I left him to it (he was again just shouting get away) told him I'm here when he needs me and it's ok to be sad. When he came him I asked him to light all the candles for a cost night, which he set to immediately. Let them have pizza today and now waiting for David Attenborough.

The other two have been ok today, if a little subdued.

Cosy, not cost !

You and your children are doing great, OP.

Also, I can't remember who said, but I've given him a big cushion to take his frustrations out on , good idea !

You are doing a great job.

Much better tonight, DS3 fast off (after a nose bleed!). Ds2 in my bed happy listening to an audiobook. I'm now catching up on the apprentice with Ds1.

Good to hear it's been a bit easier. I'm sure there will be some rubbish days ahead but your boys are lucky to have you as their Mum.

Hi
So pleased things are better than last night, just wanted to say your amazing and they sound lucky boys to have you and your support, keep your chin up opand I hope you all feel a bit better soon