AIBU - school lunches

[Standinguptononsense]

My ex husband and I have had a court order in place for 3 years. It states he has responsibility in the day time on monday and fridays.

For the past 18 months he has been purchasing school lunch for our eldest through parent pay. He sent me an email the other day stating "it has come to light" he has been paying for these school lunches twice as he buys them and also gives me maintenance.

I've said it is his responsibility as pee the courr order. I have also checked with the CMS who are in agreement with me in terms of they wouldnt tell / confirm to him that he is responsible.

So AIBU?

My eldest is now likely to have no lunch provided by his dad when he takes him to school Monday.

It's like his get out of jail free card. Every. Single. Time.

This is the conversation today (the boys go to him today and he takes them to school tomorrow, his day).

Me: The boys said you forgot their water bottles Friday morning so I assume you still have these at yours to send them with tomorrow. Please remember as they had nothing to drink all day.

Him: Yes unfortunately they didn't have their drink bottles as they're here. Great exaggeration though 😂🤣😂

Followed by: Probably best you delete the BS. As i'd be contacting the school if drinks weren't available to them.

I'd replied to his first with "during the school day" but then thought better and deleted it and then he sent the second message. This is not normal responses. I am genuinely concerned for his mental state. Hes stopped caring for himself as well, unshaven, unkept.

Hes just picked them up, doesnt say a word and has returned the DS1 lunchbox as well so clearly has no intention of sending him with a lunch tomorrow. He also cant pay for one as the cut off was last week.

I've had some pretty bad mental states and never not once taken it out on my kids by knowing they wouldn't get fed.
He's vile.

@2littlechicks he really is. Very caluated about what hes doing. DS2 was crying today he disnt want to go :(

I think you're right in standing firm OP. Otherwise he will always try and manipulate you. What's going to happen tomorrow with the children getting fed?
Poor DC not wanting to go 😢

Thank you, believe me its hard. You naturally want to protect your children. When I spoke to the school friday, the head had said she was going to see what happened over the weekend (ie if the 4.40 had been paid - it hasnt) and what happened monday morning.

I am hoping the school collar him before he takes DS1 in.

DS2 did go in the end but neither of them are keen.

His texts to you show what an absolute financially controlling arse cunt he is

Calling you "yourself" accusing your goals of being financial gain and suggesting you aren't mature enough to discuss it with him like an adult.

I'm bloody furious in your behalf

I'm glad school are on your side. Is there anyway you can give permission for them to contact judge who made order for clarification if they need to to chase payment?

Nasty toad of a man. My blood is boiling.

I'm glad it's not just me. When you have been in a abusive relationship with high level of gas lighting its difficult

I have emailed the family court for confirmation but will waiting for them to come back to me. I have chased as deadline has passed but appreciate they will always be busy pre xmas.

Whilst this is clearly nobbish behaviour on his part, your email about the water bottles is quite passive aggressive. If your DS is thirsty in school and hasn't got a water bottle, the school should provide him with a drink of water. You came across as trying to score points.
It also sounds as if your DS is the one caught in the crossfire regarding his lunches. By taking the moral high ground, you're also causing issues for him at school. It isn't schools responsibility to sort out warring parents, and they should not be telling you what they've said to him and vice versa.
My advice is for you to pay for the dinners for now but take it back to court for clarification.

Point taken. But I was simply making sure he had thr bottles to take to school

I am not taking the morale high ground. I am standing my ground. If I pay the debt it will simply accrue again when he fails to provide lunch again.

So today's update....

Hes sent him with a packed lunch and the school have emailed (both of us) asking for the outstanding debt of 6.60 (inc friday meal) to be pair immediately. Nothing from him.

Oh so he's HALF learnt. Let the school chase him for the debt. It's his! So glad your DC got lunch.

Exactly!!! Hes such a dick. 3 weeks of his nonsense and effecting ds1 and we are back to him providing lunch as he should be.

Now hes being a dick over xmas. Sigh.

DS1 has said he has had a hot lunch not a packed lunch. No lunchbox in his school bag either!

I'm really confused by how the custody is split as you say he has them during the week and then weekends? I'm sorry if it's obvious and I'm just being thick!

He sounds really frustrating and your poor son is bearing the brunt of it. Can't be nice for him to worry about if he's going to get fed or like he has to beg for a hot lunch at school

Dont worry it confusing. He has then every Thursday from 3pm until Friday 3pm. Every sunday from 3pm until monday 3pm. And then eow.

I know he just turns up and Hope's he can get a hot meal.

The school receptionist has been fab, bit spoke to the head today (by accident as she answered the phone) and she was fucking useless.

See what happens tomorrow.

So did his dad send a packed lunch??

The school need to be invoicing the dad not you.

Nope. No packed lunch or hot meal purchased. He still owes 6.60

Does he have them 14 nights a month?

12 nights/28 nights so depends how the weeks fall.

You should definitely go to court and get enough for lunches, school trips etc added to his CMS

May be unpopular, but just playing devils advocate..

Effectively, he is providing for the boys half of the time bar the 4 extra nights you have them (28 day month).

The estimated cost of bringing a child up daily is around £35 a day. So if you were splitting equally then he contributes half to the four days you have them extra and still contributing £80 per child per month.

Again, if split equally would mean the boys each have £160 a month for trips, dinners and passports etc.

I think I would feel that I had already covered school dinners too by giving my contribution to you to spend on the boys where needed.

It would be silly if he felt he was not responsible for packed lunches if they were going to school from his however.

I actually think im with your ex on this one.

Im quite shocked at the replies from others and feel they are just jumping on the 'all men are crap wagon', without actually realising how much he does contribute.

If there was a very expensive trip then he should defo chip in more but overall he sounds like hes providing quite well.

I hope doesnt offend too much as I also have been a single mother for many years but I just thought id give a different perspective.

@emma861 thanks for your reply and a different perspective. Different opinions are always welcome. My main problem really is with his whole attitude around it. He has been paying for lunch on his days since ds1 started in yr3, hes not in yr4. He has just decided he no longer wishes to pay. Hes basically been holding me to ransom over it, either I pay for a hot lunch or ds1 doesnt get fed. I provide q packed lunch on my days as I would all of the other days if I could.

He uses the boys to continue his emotional abuse towards me and that's why i am pushing back on this. Otherwise where do i draw the line? What happens next year when ds2 moves up to yr3. He doesnt contribute towards any larger items. He makes everything more difficult that he needs to be. We cant co parent because he wont speak to me. Every opportunity he has over text or email he belittled or abuses me.

I have recently posted another thread about setting boundaries around how he can contact me as its getting to the point where it is effecting me again and I'm.not having it.