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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
diddl · 02/11/2019 15:12

I'm surprised that there aren't more people telling Op to leave tbh.

I just don't get treating someone that you are supposed to love & respect like this.

Doubtless some will equate that to no sense of humour.

But all I see here is someone being pissed about & not walking away.

UncleHerbie · 02/11/2019 15:19

I would have been driven insane by your intended's behaviour and like another poster, I'd tell him to shit or get off the pot

My situation? Four months after our first date (but after three months of texts and calls (him living in Leeds, and me London):

Him "... what would u say if I asked you to marry me?"

Me: "I'd say yes!"

Within a month I'd chosen a ring, he approved and paid a deposit, the ring was made and within seven weeks of the proposal, I had it on my finger. From first date to wedding day was 363 days in Feb this year. His second marriage, his first wife having died in 2014, and my first

[FYI my husband is my close school pal's BIL and we met at a Sunday lunch on one of his rare trips to London]

Otavis · 02/11/2019 15:19

I agree, @diddl, but maybe this OP just sounds too resigned to being pissed around, and people know there’s no point?

I mean, she’s clearly deeply unhappy and frustrated, but doesn’t think this is anywhere near as important as her boyfriend’s idea that proposing is entirely his Male prerogative, and his related enjoyment at keeping her in a state of famished expectation, like a dog being teased with table scraps.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 02/11/2019 15:31

Have you not said something along the lines "oh give it a rest, it's mean to keep mentioning it so often and have me on the edge of my seat. Let's not mention it again until you've asked!"

Are you sure you didn't eat it last night?

That would literally be the shittiest proposal! He'll need to buy some marigolds to get his hands on it 😂

Vanhi · 02/11/2019 15:51

The OP says This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. Sounds to me as if the OP has one child which is hers, not theirs.

dontcallmeduck · 02/11/2019 16:28

My DH did this. I ended up telling him straight that he was being cruel and putting me right off him. He rolled over and got the ring out of his drawer, job done.

DidntLikeRugbyAnyway · 02/11/2019 17:21

I’d be well pissed off if he proposed on xmas day as some sort of present.

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 17:40

He has been asking what's wrong all day as I've been a bit off, so I have ended up telling him that I feel disappointed that he hasn't proposed and that I'm fed up hearing all about it but yet there being no action and I'd rather be stopped banging on about it.

He has gone in a bit of a sulk about it all, is going around like a deflated balloon and saying he wanted to make it magical and perfect....I'm like, I'm over it now, I just want to get on with it ffs.

Not exactly a great atmosphere here, but honest to God I cannot listen to more 'I can't wait to propose' drivel without an actual proposal.

Sent from my iPhone

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 02/11/2019 17:46

Well done, I am sure it's better to be honest, and hopefully the sulk is only short-term.

Mrstwiddle · 02/11/2019 17:48

Good for you, he needs to hear it.

Thehop · 02/11/2019 17:51

Good for you! Don’t pretend or he’ll behave like a tosser forever

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 17:53

Oops, I'd written my last into an email on the hoof and then pasted it to mumsnet hence the 'sent from my iphone' business.

I'm reading through your posts and 'shit or get off the pot' is the phrase which exactly describes how I'm feeling.

Tempted to say (shout) 'for the love of God,
would you just shit or get off the pot".

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 02/11/2019 17:53

going around like a deflated balloon and saying he wanted to make it magical and perfect

Yes but going on and on about something but not actually doing it is the definition of not making it magical and perfect, so that's something he needs to hear!

Don't let him sulk and create the narrative that YOU have done something wrong - 'spoiled it'. He was really unreasonable here, if you're going to get married, I'd make sure that he pretty quickly catches on to the fact that he's not going to get to sulk about stuff and be tiptoes around; and that if you don't like the way he's acting about something, you'll be telling him straight.

billy1966 · 02/11/2019 17:56

So he's a summer as well when he's been called out on being a boring twat.
Honestly OP, it's all about him. Certainly not about what makes you happy.
Have a think.💐

FizzyGreenWater · 02/11/2019 17:56

Well if he's still sulking I'd go up to him and say brightly, I'm not up for nonsense here, I can explain to you very clearly exactly what has bothered me about the way you've been with this proposal stuff and how it's made me feel. If you want to hear that and take it on board, I'm here. If you just want to sulk, don't think that you sulking and being upset automatically means that I get to be the one in the wrong. It doesn't.

billy1966 · 02/11/2019 17:57

Sulker!

unfathomablefathoms · 02/11/2019 18:00

His reaction just sounds controlling too. His behaviour is all so disrespectful.

If you think that what the OP and her partner are currently doing — some kind of 1950s division of labour whereby Men Propose (But Don’t) and Women Who’ve Had Their Children Wait In a Combination of Desperation and Annoyance (And Keep Getting Manicures In Case They’re Proposed To) is ‘romantic’, then I really think you have a screw loose.

Yes, this thread is severely depressing.

Merryoldgoat · 02/11/2019 18:18

There is nothing romantic about this.

You know how I got engaged?

A conversation, an agreement, and DH met me from work and gave me my ring.

Date set within a week and married in a year.

It was an adult agreement between two equal partners - not some nonsense of being strung along.

Realism over romanticism any day for me.

CTRL · 02/11/2019 18:22

Tomorrow your going to see friends and family...maybe he plans on doing the proposal then. Perfect time ! In front of your loved ones 😊

The whole restaurant thing is so predictable now in my opinion and maybe he wants you to genuinely be surprised.

flouncyfanny · 02/11/2019 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaceLancs · 02/11/2019 18:33

I don’t think I ever received a proposal!
I think it went something like - let’s get married - I agreed and we went ring shopping together the following weekend - wedding planning started ASAP we got married about 6 months later

OctoberLovers · 02/11/2019 18:33

He would irrate the hell out of me

dontalltalkatonce · 02/11/2019 18:36

If you think that what the OP and her partner are currently doing — some kind of 1950s division of labour whereby Men Propose (But Don’t) and Women Who’ve Had Their Children Wait In a Combination of Desperation and Annoyance (And Keep Getting Manicures In Case They’re Proposed To) is ‘romantic’, then I really think you have a screw loose.

This. Or they say 'we're traditional' but they have kids and have been living together for years and this is their 2nd, 3rd, whatever marriage.

Let him sulk away. Personally it would make me question marrying him, tbh. He's an adult who wants his belly rubbed and a gold star for banging on about shit he hasn't done. I wouldn't want my children around a sulky manchild.

JaceLancs · 02/11/2019 18:36

With current DP he said I don’t want to ever get married so we can’t get engaged but I would like to buy you a ring!
We decided to call it a commitment ring - went shopping but couldn’t find anything I liked - so had a ring made
I’m still wearing it 😊

Chociefish · 02/11/2019 18:38

Omg 'shit or get off the pot'. This has made my day! Well done for telling him like it is. My ex dangled getting married over me for eight years. Looking back I know now I should have left him after he made me cancel the registry office the first time.🙈