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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:

DidntLikeRugbyAnyway · 02/11/2019 18:38

I had a feeling he would be all ‘woe is me’ once you’d called him out on it.

I bet he will now say you’ve ruined the proposal and it won’t happen....

joystir59 · 02/11/2019 18:41

I'm glad it was simpler for us- my OH proposed by text before we'd even gone on our first date (we knew each other well as colleagues). We were married a year later.

maddening · 02/11/2019 18:48

Don't mention it again and if no proposal by mid Jan we can help you plan a Feb 29th proposal.

I did my proposal on a Feb 29th and it was a lovely moment.

Cambionome · 02/11/2019 18:51

What an absolute twat he is. Sulking about a situation that he has created, caused by his own controlling dickishness.

OP, take control of this situation - it's not all about what he wants and how he wants to do it!!

CodenameVillanelle · 02/11/2019 18:57

He's being so manipulative and controlling.
You ARE engaged already, because you've agreed to get married. The fact is that you aren't allowed to wear your ring or discuss plans because he won't let you. That's what this 'romantic proposal' bollocks is all about.
There is no need for a 'proposal' when you've already agreed to get married. It's pointless bollocks.

RuthW · 02/11/2019 18:57

Just ask him if you want to get married.

Seeingadistance · 02/11/2019 19:08

"How are you actually going to react when he finally does get round to it?"

Anyone else hoping that Op says no?blush

Yep!

Justgorgeous · 02/11/2019 19:18

I would find it very strange that he’s told you he has the ring and keeps on going on about it. I haven’t known any coupl

Justgorgeous · 02/11/2019 19:19

Sorry posted too soon. I haven’t known of any couples that the man has told his partner he has the ring and hasn’t just bought it and proposed.

Seeingadistance · 02/11/2019 19:25

Ha! I've read the whole thread now and he's sulking because the little lady spoke her mind, and lo and behold, she has dared to criticise him!

If I were the OP, I'd be very calmly now waiting for the proposal solely to say NO!

Daffodil2018 · 02/11/2019 19:26

I'd say to him very bluntly "do you actually want to marry me? Because if you really did I think you'd have asked me by now." Look upset and hopefully he'll get the message.

fartingrainbows · 02/11/2019 19:53

I suppose only you know op, if this pattern of behaviour is typical (ie he's very much enjoying having power over you and making you wait) or if he's just let the idea of a fabulous proposal go to his head and make him behave like an idiot. Either way, he needs to understand how this is making you feel. A "perfect moment" proposal is only really romantic if it surprises the other person. All this talking about it but not getting on with it is dickish and causing you to feel hurt and embarrassed. You really need to have a think, though, about the power balance in your relationship and whether this is something you wish to be part of long term. Good luck!!

fartingrainbows · 02/11/2019 19:54

Anyone else hoping that Op says no?

Ha ha yes I little bit!!

Woodlandwitch · 02/11/2019 19:56

He might have just had bad nerves

My DH has plans to propose one day, I had no idea. He didn’t tell me until after he did propose 2 months later.

He was just so nervous (despite me being pregnant and us buying a house)

Honeyroar · 02/11/2019 20:20

My husband started talking about getting married when we'd been together a few months. While I was pretty certain he was the one, I thought it was far too early. We went window shopping so he could see what I liked (he was getting one made somewhere a friend had suggested). I told him it was too early and to surprise me sometime further on. He waited another two years! He said he'd carried the ring round several times for a year but never found the perfect moment. I thought he'd changed his mind! I didn't think about it that much though. When he did propose it was somewhere very special to us, we go once a year to watch a sporting event we love, and it took me completely by surprise. I think if he'd wittered on and on about doing it I'd have murdered him!

Tell him he's achieving the exact opposite of making it a romantic surprise!

Otavis · 02/11/2019 20:29

He was just so nervous (despite me being pregnant and us buying a house)

That's often trotted out as an excuse on here in these kinds of scenarios, but to be honest, I don't buy it for a second.

I could entirely understand nerves if the person asking has no idea whether their proposal will be accepted, but in virtually all these threads, the female partner has been thoroughly committed to the male partner for years, they own property together, they have several children together, and have been explicitly planning on spending the rest of their lives together for some time.

In this OP's case, they have made a major move together, been talking at length about getting married, and have decided to do so next year. Yes, common sense, as a number of posters have pointed out, dictates that they are in fact already engaged, given that they are actually discussing the wedding, meaning that a proposal is completely meaningless when it's clear that the proposed-to person has been on board for years -- but in this case, there's surely absolutely no excuse for blaming 'nerves'!

The woman has already said yes! They've decided to get married next year! They already have a ring! She's dying for him to propose! There is no possibility she will say no!

What exactly is he 'nervous' about?

PanchoBarnes · 02/11/2019 20:40

@Karwomannghia
Just keep promising him a blow job. Say it’s going to be amazing but don’t actually do it.

billy1966 · 02/11/2019 20:46

I just think his behaviour is humiliating for the OP.

How could she feel good about herself when he's been taking the piss for ages with her.

Dangling it in front of her.

I really think it should be setting off alarm bells.

Of course he just might be a very stupid twat.

But even then I don't know why she would want to be with someone who is so self absorbed that he can't see how this would absolutely ruin a nice moment.

Now he's sulking.

Yea, I'd definitely like the OP to spell it out to him and say No.

That she needs to think.

He sounds awfully full of himself.

Stupid men are so unattractive.

Gwiwer · 02/11/2019 21:04

Mixed feelings.

To all intents and purposes, he has already proposed but still wants to do the ceremonial, down on one knee aspect.

He told you he was going to do it by the end of the year.

What is tiresome is him going on about it every day - obviously he's excited but it takes the magic out of it.

But, given that he allegedly has the ring and planned to propose before Christmas, he probably had some sort of grand 'official' proposal planned and OP had shat on that and taken any excitement out of it.

Should have asked him to just stop going on about it until it's done, before 2019 is out.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 02/11/2019 21:10

Fuck that shit.

He's showing you he's emotionally abusive. Thank goodness he's done it now so you don't end up married to the twat.

Cruel to manipulate and control you then sulks to manipulate and control you.

He doesn't want to get married and that's a good thing because the wedding bunting is actually red flags flapping in the slipstream of his verbal diarrhoea.

You don't deserve being treated in such a way. Tell him to take his proposal and shove it.

PapayaCoconut · 02/11/2019 21:11

I know someone who waited and waited for her boyfriend to be 'ready' (after they had a child together). Very similar situation, with him constantly dangling engagement in front of her like a carrot. She left him two years after the big white wedding when she realised that he hadn't been worth the agonising wait.

PapayaCoconut · 02/11/2019 21:16

OP had shat on that and taken any excitement out of it.

No, he did that. He can't have it both ways. You either talk about it, tell people and plan the wedding, or you both keep quiet to maintain the illusion that it's a big surprise. OP can't do that alone when he keeps bringing it up!

shiningstar2 · 02/11/2019 21:23

If his constant going on about it is because he thinks it's making it more exciting for you rather than a rather unpleasant form of teasing he will be disappointed now but its surprising you haven't cracked before now if he's been going on about it since September.

I would just tell him that keeping on about it is spoiling it for you because it takes any element of surprise completely away. If proposing formally means a lot to him I would just tell him not to speak of it again until it actually happens. That way you should both get some pleasure out of the eventual proposal when it does come.

katy1111 · 02/11/2019 21:24

It sounds like he might be planning to do it on Christmas Eve if he keeps saying it'll definitely be before Christmas. Quite a few people I know got engaged on a Christmas Eve- I think it's considered quite a romantic time to do it, which it is I guess. To be honest if he keeps talking about it, it sounds like he's got a plan that he's excited about. I know it's frustrating but I would wait til Christmas.

Andysbestadventure · 02/11/2019 21:26

He doesn't want to marry you, OP. Sorry. It sounds like he is just hedging his bets and keeping you dangling until he has to make a definitive decision.

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