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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
Tobebythesea · 02/11/2019 12:59

My DH did the same. A holiday to the Maldives was coming up and I thought he would definitely do it there. We went out for a meal and drinks the week before and on the way home he got down on one knee. He wanted the surprise and it certainly was. He said the holiday was too obvious and would have put pressure on him.

Hang in there. Only 7 weeks until
Christmas. Think again if nothing has happened by New Year.

glitterfarts · 02/11/2019 13:04

maybe he wants the kids to be there and has a plan involving them?

sarahjconnor · 02/11/2019 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Otavis · 02/11/2019 13:19

If you think that what the OP and her partner are currently doing — some kind of 1950s division of labour whereby Men Propose (But Don’t) and Women Who’ve Had Their Children Wait In a Combination of Desperation and Annoyance (And Keep Getting Manicures In Case They’re Proposed To) is ‘romantic’, then I really think you have a screw loose.

TigerJoy · 02/11/2019 13:23

This is exhausting

Assuming he's not a control freak and you generally have good communication skills then talk to him about it

Say that you are really excited to get married and you know he is too, but while he might feel like it's romantic FOR HIM to be talking about the "surprise" proposal and the excitement of getting married FOR YOU it is starting to feel a bit stressful now. That because you know it's coming it's not a real surprise, but that you're always on the look out for the moment...will it be now? Should I wear a nice dress? Get a manicure?

If you are still happy for him to have his romantic moment then do as others suggest and tell him discussion of marriage and engagement is absolutely off the table until he's proposed. If he talks about it change the subject, leave the room, just don't acknowledge it "we agreed we wouldn't talk about this" etc.

Alternatively you could also suggest that if he wants to do a special proposal moment that you could plan when it is together so you can get excited too but that he could then plan where you go / what you do to give it some element of surprise. Would that work?

If you frame it that his approach at the moment isn't working for you but you'd like to find a way to make it fun and exciting and romantic for both of you, I am sure you can find a solution together.

Good luck!

jamdhanihash · 02/11/2019 13:23

He's not romantic, he's a wanker. Is everything usually all about him?

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 02/11/2019 13:24

I'll be honest. I'm not proud of this but my now DH did similar. Wanted to get it "just right" I knew he had a ring and had had it some time. I threw a tantrum while drunk at New Years. I mean it worked. 8 years later we're married with our first child due in a few weeks so OP you have my sympathies. I'd talk to him, don't go full diva like I did but talk to him.

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/11/2019 13:30

I'd already booked the church by the time my DH proposed, we both knew what we wanted!

diddl · 02/11/2019 13:30

I mean if he wanted to propose in a certain way, fine, but why would he mention anything beforehand?

Similarly, having talked about marriage & decided on next year, why is Op waiting for a proposal?

elizalovelace · 02/11/2019 13:34

If he wanted to marry you he would. Get your diary, bank card and fone out and ask him which date and venue he fancies and then just book your wedding.His response to this will tell you what you need to know.

Vanhi · 02/11/2019 13:39

Poor OP. I don't think this thread is quite going in the slightly light-hearted way she intended!

AnnaMagnani · 02/11/2019 13:42

I'd already booked the church by the time my DH proposed, we both knew what we wanted!

I wasn't quite this bad, but I had a hard job pretending I was finding out which venues were licensed for the very first time when actually I'd had the whole thing planned for about 6 months Blush

dottiedodah · 02/11/2019 13:47

I think he has Christmas in his mind as a traditional "Cant Wait " type of thing .Do you think this is going to double up as his Christmas present to you? I would say "Oh dont mention again until Christmas Day "! Maybe he wants to dress up as Santa? and surprise you !

Howmanychildrentoomanychildren · 02/11/2019 13:50

I'd definitely be telling him to shut up about it until he does it!

dontalltalkatonce · 02/11/2019 13:51

You're in your 40s with kids and you're waiting for a proposal, rings, a load of faff? Wow. Just tell him let's talk about which date for the registry house so can get it booked.

Toooldfornonsense · 02/11/2019 13:58

I think the way he is dealing with this is all very controlled and a test in how far he can string you along. If he can do this with an engagement what else will he try it with? I’m sorry but I feel like you should get our whilst you can. There are so many red flags here

reallyrandomwords · 02/11/2019 14:08

You're planning to marry, it's been discussed... maybe he just sees that as engaged already and doesn't realise that you don't?

Me, I'm waiting for my partner to decide he wants to marry... lol

StanleySteamer · 02/11/2019 14:21

Has he bought the wedding ring(s) yet? Will they match the engagement ring? Have you asked/told him the wedding ring might look better next to the engagement ring?
Just a simple basic typically male unemotional, practical response.
Understand your pain though. There seems to be no surprise any more, which is a huge shame! By definition a surprise should surprise you, but how can it when he says "I'm going to surprise you." Then doesn't. Don't understand him really. Maybe he's buying it on some never never scheme and cannot have it until he's paid for it!

TheWernethWife · 02/11/2019 14:26

FFS, tell him to shit or get off the pot. Couldn't do with all this bloody palaver.

Otavis · 02/11/2019 14:36

@dottiedodah, the only way in which he would think that proposing on Christmas Day could ‘double up’ as his Christmas present to the OP is if he sees the fact of him asking her to marry him as him giving her a present.

Which it really, really isn’t, unless he’s enough of a grade-A ocean-going tit to think that deigning to marry a longterm partner who’s had his children is somehow doing her a big favour.

MulticolourMophead · 02/11/2019 14:43

I think the way he is dealing with this is all very controlled and a test in how far he can string you along. If he can do this with an engagement what else will he try it with? I’m sorry but I feel like you should get our whilst you can. There are so many red flags here

Agree.

He says he has a ring, is there any evidence for that? And constantly dangling the carrot after occasions where he knows the OP would be thinking "is it going to be now?" is really cruel.

Chunkers · 02/11/2019 14:53

I think he is enjoying keeping you in suspense, thinks it’s funny. I would just give disinterested one word answers now when he mentions it. Hopefully he will get the hint sooner than later.

AutumnRose1 · 02/11/2019 15:08

“ Which it really, really isn’t, unless he’s enough of a grade-A ocean-going tit to think that deigning to marry a longterm partner who’s had his children is somehow doing her a big favour.”

OP referred to “my children” so I thought they weren’t his children.

Otavis · 02/11/2019 15:10

Flip the sexes of those involved for a minute. Imagine a woman continually dangling the possibility that, someday soon, IF he’s lucky and doesn’t nag or ‘spoil the surprise’, she might confer the enormous favour of proposing to a man who is the father of her children and whom she knows is desperate to marry her, and can barely give his mind to anything else.

It’s pretty arrogant and undignified.

Onlytodaythisname · 02/11/2019 15:10

A colleague of mine went through this. She lived with her partner, she was doing the lion's share of parenting their child, and he did this whole production of "someday I'll propose" because you see he's old-fashioned.

So one day he bestowed the honour of a proposal on the woman who'd been raising his kid and cleaning his toilet for years. And she was all starry-eyed "I'm so lucky"!