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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
Sleepyhead19 · 03/11/2019 21:36

I spent years being strung along. Even bribed to give my son my exes surname by him
Promising we’d get married. Guess what? Never happened. He lied to me for years, cancelled two ‘engagements’ that I believe he announced (without proposal or ring) because I said I’d had enough and wanted him to leave because he’d wasted years of life. One was because he wanted me to move hours away I think.
You are wasting your life with him. Get out while you can. He had the opportunity, didn’t take it and won’t do it.

BertrandRussell · 03/11/2019 21:39

Why do you want to marry this man?

Nanny0gg · 03/11/2019 21:42

He's not romantic. It is contrived.

And he's pissing about.

Assuming he has bought the ring, tell him to shove it.

Everydaylife · 03/11/2019 21:42

Oh dear. Now it’s clear why he isn’t in a rush to get married.

Span1elsRock · 03/11/2019 21:45

OP you seriously need to cut your losses here.

Think of your DC if you can't do it for yourself.

dontalltalkatonce · 03/11/2019 21:51

Oh, god, another one of these! Jesus wept. Poor kid.

TSSDNCOP · 03/11/2019 21:55

God how utterly fucking puerile.

End it. Fifty quid says you’ll find someone better and be married by next Christmas.

Beatrixinvogue · 03/11/2019 22:12

Don't marry him.

Nearlyshitmypantsthere · 03/11/2019 22:19

Please dont tell me this is another thread where the OP doesn't come back 😔

KitKat1985 · 03/11/2019 22:26

Oh dear. No wonder you had a row. This would get on my nerves too.

DH did something slightly similar. It was winter and we'd had lots of chats about the future and stuff, and he kept telling me how he wanted to spend his life with me. As Christmas approached he kept taking me past jewellery stores and asking me what types of ring I liked, and I even found a 'how to work out her ring size' print out on his printer. As Christmas approached (he knows I loved Christmas) he kept telling me he had a special present for me this year. As it was I had to work Christmas morning (I'm a nurse and had to be up at 5.30am Christmas day) but he insisted on getting up extra early with me as he wanting me to have my special present before I left my work. I took some deep breaths finally waiting for this proposal that he had been hinting at for weeks.

I shit you not he gave me a world wildlife fund 'I've adopted you a snow leopard' gift pack. Gutted wasn't the word.

Disclaimer: he did actually propose a few weeks later

Lougle · 03/11/2019 22:33

Just say to him "I love you, I'm committed to you, but I can't deal with constantly talking about this thing that you say we both want, but you're controlling the timing of. So can you please not mention it again until you're actually ready to propose? That will really help me."

CalleighDoodle · 03/11/2019 22:53

Taken me half an hour to read so apologies if i cross post. Op, pp’s called
His behaviour. They read him and called it. They said how he would respond, and he did exactly what was predicted of a controlling man.

Rethink your relationship. Look at all his behaviours with fresh eyes. Look at how he treats you objectively.

CalleighDoodle · 03/11/2019 22:55

Oh no. I didnt do an advanced search but having read the last few posts i remember your previous thread too Sad

MontyPants · 03/11/2019 23:07

@KitKat1985 what on earth did you say when he presented you with that? Did you make your feelings known?? What goes through the minds of these men?! Idiots!

Motoko · 03/11/2019 23:13

Oh, so there have been previous threads about this guy? No wonder I had a bad feeling about this from the start.

You need to LTB.

dontalltalkatonce · 03/11/2019 23:14

Please dont tell me this is another thread where the OP doesn't come back

Oh, they always come back under a name change when he's thrown them out and they have nowhere to go or their kids have had enough of their being dragged around because their parents' immaturity when it came to their love life and have decided to take off without a backwards glance or 'DP' is still being a financially controlling wanker and they're 50 with no job having given up financial security for the sorry bloke, etc.

Tale as old as time.

MacabreMannequinFun · 03/11/2019 23:55

True as it can be
Barely even friends...

TrixieMixie · 04/11/2019 06:50

The problem here is you are mixing two different etiquettes. On the one hand there is a traditional proposal which comes as a total surprise. In other words, he doesn’t announce his intention to propose, doesn’t tell you he’s bought the ring, he simply picks a moment and gets down on bended knee. (After asking your Dad if he can, of course, ha ha) On the other hand there’s the informal proposal where you just mutually agree to marry. You’ve done a bit of both - you want the modernity and mutuality of one and the romance of the other. That’s why you’re confused and pissed off. You probably shouldn’t be. He obviously wants to marry you very much. A conventionally romantic proposal doesn’t matter, if he loves you, and it sounds like he does. Just stop obsessing about it and let him get on with whatever he has planned. I don’t think he’s controlling you or playing mind games, the poor sod probably hasn’t a clue you’re upset. Twenty years into your marriage you will probably look back at this and laugh at it as one of those silly family stories.

Everydaylife · 04/11/2019 07:30

Did you sort out the money issues between you op?

KitKat1985 · 04/11/2019 07:31

@MontyPants at the time I think I just mumbled 'thank you' and then stewed on it all Christmas day.

A couple of days later we did have an argument about it where I admitted I felt he had really set me up and then never gone through with it. Amazingly (God knows what goes through his head sometimes) he didn't seem to connect that I might have presumed that his constant hints about getting married, and looking at rings, and talks about special presents might have led me to conclude he was going to propose at Christmas, although I think with hindsight he realised that he had inadvertently led me to believe he was going to propose.

We did later get 'properly' engaged a few weeks later, and have been happily married a few years now. So I did forgive the silly sod.

BareKneesDeCourcy · 04/11/2019 08:54

My ex and I had talked quite a bit about marriage and babies.

My birthday was coming up, and he was very excited and pleased with himself about the surprise he’d got me.

It was...

Wait for it...

A cake. A very nice gluten/dairy-free thing that he’d ordered.

But REALLY?!?!

I eventually dumped him after nearly four years of not much. By this point we still didn’t even live in the same city. Buh-bye.

Why is it not ok for women to ask for what they want? Why is it ok for men to string women along?

ShimmeryShiny · 04/11/2019 09:40

Morning OP, how are you today?

Illbeagransoon · 04/11/2019 09:49

I wonder If he just left the ring behind? It was all planned... romantic dinner, and he forgot to bring the ring.
Tell him you'd rather it was a surprise, so he shouldn't mention rings again. At least you won't have your nose rubbed in it all the time.

BengalGal · 04/11/2019 10:51

Please read up on narcissism. Also check out the YouTube channel Live Abuse Free and learn about the garden variety narcissists as opposed to the ones who are also sociopaths. Between this and previous posts there are a lot of red flags. Did you meet him at a vulnerable time? Narcissists often are attracted to that. Did he shower you with love attention and romantic gestures right off the bat? That’s another sign. He really sounds manipulative and selfish at the very least. Please think long and hard about who he really is (covert narcissists appear super super nice and their cruelty is reserved for their partner and children). Does his mother seem self centered? If he is a narcissist you really don’t want to marry him. Sooner or later they get to the discard phase and are as cruel as possible. Unless the succeed in turning you into their enabler, which is no fun either.

Original poster
PrettyTricky · 04/11/2019 11:42

Hello all, didn't want to be a disappearing op.

So, the sulking had stopped and I got an apology. Says he feels like a stupid arse and thought he was making me feel great by talking about it all the time and building anticipation. Apparently has had something planned all along, and that if I want him to do what he planned then he will, equally I can have the ring now if it's going to make me feel better. He seems a bit crestfallen, but ok. I've said I'll think about it for a couple of days and let him know.

Apart from that, life is going well. We had some issues a couple of months ago when we moved, but after some frank communication that was all sorted out and I've been feeling much better. My teen is loving her school and life here, so it's been a great move for her. I guess the reason I've been very keen on marriage is because the big move made me feel insecure financially in case it all went wrong, but he's pretty sensitive to that and I'm now just going to set a date and get on with life.

OP posts: