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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
Sb74 · 03/11/2019 20:26

*wary

AudTheDeepMinded · 03/11/2019 20:30

I knew my DH was going to propose. We went abroad for a week. Perfect location, amazing views up a famous church tower one day. Ideal location and suddenly the crowds melted away, 'this is it' thought I, but NOTHING. I was royally pissed off. It turned out he'd forgotten the ring that day after carrying it with him every day so far. He did ask a few days later. Your situation sounds a bit different though, he seems to enjoy teasing you and almost tormenting you, either that or he can't wuite bring himself to do it. Why don't you just confront him by asking him. Get down on one knee in public, see what happens (if you really are sure he is the one after all this nonsense).

Brideof2020 · 03/11/2019 20:32

@PrettyTricky so why didn't he propose during your child free evening?

I'd just start discussing dates and venues see what he does then lol !! ...Grin

UniversalAunt · 03/11/2019 20:33

‘Nah, he doesn't. His 'plan' is to string OP along for as long as he can get away with, then tell her, actually he doesn't want marriage at all.
Classic.’

This.

FFS you are in your forties, not some giddy girl waiting for Prince Charming to whisk you off to a perfect life off yonder.

So you have kids together ?
You have home together ?
You have mortgage together?

Marriage confers rights as well as responsibilities etc. So I suggest you pull up your big girl drawers & get the paperwork in from the Registry Office. If you have said responsibilities then you need to protect each (you, him, kids) interests.if he doesn’t get the hint & hand over the rocks, then you know better where you stand.

Waiting because he’s romantic ?
Utter bollox.
Out of self respect, get your self in order.
Were you to say that he was dragging his feet to the alter because of a previous marriage, nasty breakup or actual dislike of the institution of marriage, then fair enough you could both sort out inheritance/guardianship & property rights with a solicitor you’d be sensible to do it.

Dutchesss · 03/11/2019 20:43

I really don't understand why if two people have agreed to be married that a proposal would be needed.
It's a proposal of marriage, but you are already planning a wedding?
Why the need for a proposal, honestly, what's the point?

Motoko · 03/11/2019 20:48

Say you're sorry that you ended up causing an argument

Why on earth should OP apologise? She didn't cause the argument, he did, with his dicking around, tormenting OP.

He should be the one apologising.

Motoko · 03/11/2019 20:49

@PrettyTricky is he still sulking?

Celestine70 · 03/11/2019 20:50

Is he the father of your child? If not I would dump him.

Notodontidae · 03/11/2019 20:50

Arrange a quite dinner at home with candles, "his favourite meal" and get a copy of "I'ts now or never" Elvis presley, playing in the back ground, for when you start the first course. The rest is up to him.

morriseysquif · 03/11/2019 20:54

Buy yourself a fancy ring and stick on your ring finger.

This would drive me nuts too - just say shall we look at dates to get married? Or not?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/11/2019 20:57

He likes talking about it but is NEVER going to do it!

UniversalAunt · 03/11/2019 20:57

@PrettyTricky you say ‘This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!’

To me your post is not quite lighthearted, I sense that you are more than miffed & trying to piece together what is going on with a man who you have been with for six years. Because things are not matching up the way you expect & reasonably you are thinking WTF.

Numerous posts on MN & evidence about coercive & controlling relationships show that the erosion of autonomy is gradual & nuanced, often so subtle that calling it out seems too much let alone the gaslighting responses that discourage challenging the subtle abuse. Many people do believe that once they are married, that’s it & they don’t have to try or cover up any more their true feelings or expectations.

So @PrettyTricky take some time aside to reflect on what has been happening in these 6 years, what prompted the decision to marry - surge of love, need for practical security or something to gloss over or distract from other more challenging matters ?

Why have you moved so far away from family & friends?
Why has it been so difficult ?

Because after five or so years, I think this man is showing you who he really is - & that’s your WFT.

BillHadersNewWife · 03/11/2019 21:00

He's sulking because you took his "power" away. He was enjoying holding all the cards and stringing you along.

If I were in this position, I'm afraid I'd really spoil "the magic" by dumping him. Then he'd have a chance to rectify things...to actually put in some effort by trying to fix this.

Is he controlling or bossy in general>

hazell42 · 03/11/2019 21:05

It would put me right off him if he kept telling me he was going to propose and then didn't
Actually, it seems quite manipulative and controlling.
You are having to jump and down and pretend to be excited over and over again, without getting anything in return
I have a horrible suspicion he is getting a kick out of it
I hope I'm wrong

sonjadog · 03/11/2019 21:06

"The magic" appeared to be very one-sided.

Have you actually seen the ring? I suspect he doesn't actually have one.

Otavis · 03/11/2019 21:10

It’s certainly going to be magic if his partner suddenly disappears. But it won’t be his magic wand that’s done it.

BillHadersNewWife · 03/11/2019 21:13

You're the OP who moved away from her own business to be with this arsehole who then told you to contribute to the household income aren't you?

I remember your username OP. This man is proving to be a proper catch NOT.

You've moved your teen to a completely new area to be with this man...and now he's acting like a cunt.

Bloody go home to your own house! Don't wait around for this loser!

EstebanTheMagnificent · 03/11/2019 21:21

I’m sorry op, but I recognise you from your thread about finances and this man sounds awful. Take your child and go back home.

leafyskyline · 03/11/2019 21:23

Gosh I remember your earlier posts too OP. This man is not worth your time, he is stringing you along. Cut your losses and head back home.

Whyamiwastingtime · 03/11/2019 21:27

The thing is the magic has already gone hasn t it?
When/if he gives you the ring now it will just be well ok thanks . The proposal is when you ask someone to marry you not when you get the ring.

Honestly he seems like a bit of an arsehole. he knows he has power over you and is using it to make you sad. leave.

ConfCall · 03/11/2019 21:28

You dragged your teen across country for this idiot?

In future, prioritise better.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 03/11/2019 21:29

Oh god yes, I remember your other thread. So many posters told you then that you needed to leave him over the finances and his attitude and now this. Wtf are you thinking? Get rid and go home.

DidntLikeRugbyAnyway · 03/11/2019 21:30

Oh God, you dragged your teen across the country, gave up your business and financial independence for this man. What were you thinking?

CodenameVillanelle · 03/11/2019 21:33

Ooh yes
Dang I hate to say I told you so but...
How long til you realise this man isn’t a keeper?

billy1966 · 03/11/2019 21:35

Oh lord, is it really the OP who moved herself and her teen across the country, gave up a well established business for this fxxx wit.

Oh lord 🙄.