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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 03/11/2019 18:05

I would say right what date shall we go for once you propose? Only I would like to start looking at venues and see where there's still space.

Boobsarenotloadbearing · 03/11/2019 18:05

Yes, I would be frustrated too and the sulking is concerning. As PP have said, this is a good time to step back and think about his behaviour and if you really want this. Please update us!

RolytheRhino · 03/11/2019 18:06

Oh dear. I hope everything straightens itself out soon, OP.

Aunaturalmama · 03/11/2019 18:07

I wouldn’t be upset until Christmas rolls around and he doesn’t. He probably just is excited and waiting for the right time!

I’m inpatient though, 6 years is a long while!! At this point you just gotta wait it out though lol already waited this long might as well let him do it his own special way

Aunaturalmama · 03/11/2019 18:08

I would ask him to set a date even though he hasn’t proposed so that you can get planning. If he knows he’ll do it before Christmas then set a date based on him doing it on Christmas

strathanna · 03/11/2019 18:13

My (now) fiancé did this. I told him that I did not want to hear a single word about engagements or weddings until there was a ring on my finger. Every time he tried to talk about weddings, I kissed him til he stopped talking or made my point in a light hearted way. He proposed in Venice with a ring he’d designed himself. It was worth the wait.

SevenStones · 03/11/2019 18:15

I just couldn't be bothered with all this palaver, OP.

Besides, I don't really like that he's kept you dangling all this time, especially since now you've mentioned it he's taken the huff.

I'd have changed my mind about marriage by now, and possibly about him, too.

Vynalbob · 03/11/2019 18:16

This is the prime moment for sarcasm
Are you looking forward to it?
Yes just hope it doesn't clash with my retirement party

Do you need me to make you a Doctor's appointment for your bad knees?

Can't wait to get married?
Whose the lucky woman?

Ask others to give him a nudge if you lose patience.

BunsyGirl · 03/11/2019 18:16

I didn’t have a surprise engagement. We discussed getting married, I chose a ring, we went to pick it up and he then took me to dinner and “officially” proposed in the gardens outside the restaurant. Lots of my friends had more romantic proposals...but some of them never made it down the aisle, others are now divorced...I did get a complete surprise, on our tenth wedding anniversary when I got an amazing diamond bracelet. The fact that it isn’t a surprise wouldn’t bother me in the least...however, being dangled on a string would!

Colinthedog · 03/11/2019 18:29

I had something similar with my now DH. We’d been together 10 years and had a joint mortgage when I realised I’d like to get married before we had kids (before that genuinely wasn’t bothered). DH (or DP as he was at the time) agreed, and we started to talk about the type of wedding we would like (ie. small, not too pricey).

For some reason I then sat back and waited for my proposal, rather than just getting on with planning the damn thing. DP then spontaneously suggested a long weekend abroad. And suggested a location! I‘m used to doing all the legwork when it comes to trips, partly because I am a control freak. I mean, because I enjoy doing it Blush

So trip comes around, I’m super excited. My heart began to sink on the flight, as he just didn’t seem shifty enough to be planning anything. But when we went out for a romantic meal (this was obviously pre kids 😬) and he asked to be moved to a more private table inside I was certain this was it! And as I’m sure comes as no surprise to you all, nada. I proceeded to just get drunk and it put a shadow over the rest of the trip.

Months later it all came out in a drunken, tearful rant when I was pissed (again), and he felt absolutely horrible about it. He’d suggested the trip with every intention to propose, and then psyched himself out of it! Something about worrying the ring wouldn’t fit. As if I would prefer not to have a ring that’s too small than to get married!

Fast forward a few months and he proposed on my birthday, which I was totally expecting. He did his best, but I’m embarrassed to say I was still miffed about it months later. And if I’m being really truthful, I’m still not happy about it now. And I do the vast majority of remembering, planning and organising for the whole household, and I thought I could at least have relied on him to do this one thing! And he was truly gutted that he had upset me.

However, I’m increasingly coming to realise that the whole thing was a pointless charade. We should have just had the conversation and got on with planning it together. Which we did eventually and were married within the year. I’m totally independent and vocal in every other aspect of life, so I don’t know why I let myself get so worked up over it and sit around waiting for him. The only thing I can claim is pressure from society to have the ‘perfect’ proposal...

Colinthedog · 03/11/2019 18:34

However I think the difference in reactions between our DPs is pretty telling OP. Your DP doesn’t seem to care that he has upset you. And worse, he’s turning it round on you, despite him starting the whole thing. Nasty.

cherrybath · 03/11/2019 18:42

So many men are such pillocks. Why tell you about it if he wants to make such a performance of it? He could have planned it all and done a really great proposal instead of which he's just getting you really hacked off. How can it be you who has spoilt it all if he's been the one who's dragged it out too far? What a prat. Serve him right if you decide he's not worth the effort.

Rache49 · 03/11/2019 18:43

Faffing about is the operative word here. Why is he going on about it anyway. Isn't it meant to be a surprise? . Does HE have to propose? Next year is a Leap Year after all. !!

xsquared · 03/11/2019 19:04

It's a leap year next year. Perhaps you could propose to him. In fact, why not propose to him yourself before then? He won't be expecting that and then you'll find out how he really feels about marriage.

FieryBiscuits14 · 03/11/2019 19:06

I am not a patient woman so your OP has driven me mad. I'm in a similar position but only up to a point, which is that I'm of a similar age and have DC which aren't my DP's, and we've been together roughly the same amount of time as you have. I would love to be married to him. I'm not keen on a showy proposal or a big wedding and I know he'd hate those things too. The issue we have is that one of his DC has found it really hard to adapt to me being around (the other two have warmed to me over the years but I think this one feels huge guilt about accepting her dad and I are together and he's not with her mum any more- fwiw I came along years after their divorce). So although we have talked marriage a good deal, I know I can't expect to arrange anything until his DC is more accepting of me. It's infuriating as this is exactly how I'd want him to behave as he's a brilliant dad, but obviously I have to try and wait until everyone is happier!

But what he'd never do is dangle a proposal in front of me or go on about it incessantly. We've agreed it will be a small affair with the kids involved and hopefully close family.

I hope your DP has had a word with himself by now

MontyPants · 03/11/2019 19:09

My now-husband delayed proposing due to crippling nerves. Years later he now feels guilty for not doing it sooner, or in a more romantic way. He proposed in our living room: brought me the ring with a mug of tea!
Is this possible with your partner? Could there be underlying issues stopping him doing it, and he’s built it up so much in his head that it’s now a huge problem? Or is he just being a knob?

FelicisNox · 03/11/2019 19:25

YANBU to be fed up but YABU by not TELLING him to either propose or zip it.

He's clearly got a plan in his head and is very excited but you need to tell him not to mention it again until he's ready to actually do it as he's taking the shine off it all.

COMMUNICATION.

Mary1935 · 03/11/2019 19:39

Hope your ok OP -

sophe · 03/11/2019 19:54

For whatever reason of his own he is stringing you along. You had better find out what it is and fast.

Jack80 · 03/11/2019 20:04

I would propose to him, you have waited long enough.

BunnyColvin · 03/11/2019 20:10

He's clearly got a plan in his head and is very excited

Nah, he doesn't. His 'plan' is to string OP along for as long as he can get away with, then tell her, actually he doesn't want marriage at all.
Classic.

Gwiwer · 03/11/2019 20:16

Well he probably shouldn't have given himself a Christmas deadline then.

Sometime in September he let the OP know he'd be proposing before December is out. Now he's apparently 'stringing her along' because he hasnt proposed by the start of November.

He should have shut up about it though.

goingtotown · 03/11/2019 20:18

He’s immature and attention seeking.

Sb74 · 03/11/2019 20:19

He’s being mean op, enjoying it all. Is he nice normally?

Sb74 · 03/11/2019 20:23

I agree that he might not ever do it. Don’t want to upset you but it sounds like he’s getting away with confronting it as long as possible. Knowing that you expected a proposal, and he did know you expected one I’m sure about that, then rubbing it in the next morning is borderline sadistic. I would be very weary of marrying him if I were you. If it’s even a real option. Is the dc both of yours?