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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:

Tistheseason17 · 03/11/2019 11:42

He's the controlling one - not you. You are being VERY patient!

I had to wait 18 months. A few weekends away where I thought it may be then but I had this "friend" who would say loudly, "Mr Tis, are you proposing this weekend?" and it would put him right off. She is no longer a friend.

Motoko · 03/11/2019 11:43

I think the way he is dealing with this is all very controlled and a test in how far he can string you along. If he can do this with an engagement what else will he try it with? I’m sorry but I feel like you should get our whilst you can. There are so many red flags here

That's exactly the feeling I got when I read the OP. And I predicted that if OP said anything, he'd turn it around on her, and say she'd ruined it.

Abuse often starts after marriage, and it really feels like he's testing how far he can push.

Isn't this "future faking"?

And to the pps, still waiting for a proposal, he's not going to. He doesn't want to get married, if he did, you'd be married by now. Why should he marry you, when you've already given him children, and he already has what he needs. There's also the benefit to him of not marrying- he won't have to share his assets if you split.

unfathomablefathoms · 03/11/2019 11:47

But it’s pretty telling that he’s now reversing the whole thing and claiming that you’re controlling, mainly because you’ve finally tried to shake off his total control of the situation.

Yup. Sadly predictable.

littlepaddypaws · 03/11/2019 16:07

ffs grown men getting 'over excited' about ANYTHING just says this is a very young child in an adult body. not an attractive trait.

bluebeck · 03/11/2019 16:13

YANBU this sounds really bloody annoying. Are you sure you want to marry him? He sounds a bit ridiculous.

BunnyColvin · 03/11/2019 17:03

OP stop waiting around for some dumb proposal and take control of your life. It's patently obvious he doesn't want to marry you, so decide what you want yourself and act accordingly.

Your DC are yours only, right?

1forAll74 · 03/11/2019 17:27

Just find an old ring,and put it on your engagement finger, then hope he has a sense of humour !

nuxe1984 · 03/11/2019 17:35

Bloody hell. I would forget about the big romantic proposal … if you've discussed getting married next year then him asking you to marry him isn't exactly going to be a surprise, is it?

I would be very matter of fact. Tell him that, if you're both serious about getting married next year, you'd like to sort out a date now so you can let the family know at Christmas and then they can put it in their diaries. Ignore the proposal, etc. If he says I haven't proposed yet, I would be very tempted to say that you're not bothered about all that … if this takes the wind out of his sales then it serves him right for being such a prat about it! And if he really makes too much of a fuss then I would tell him you're not bothered about getting married if it's going to cause that much hassle.

jwpetal · 03/11/2019 17:36

This sounds a bit controlling. You both are in your 40s, you have a dc and he wants to keep it traditional. This is concerning. He is playing with you.

Crazycatperson · 03/11/2019 17:40

I'm annoyed with him myself and I don't know him. It's going to be a let down when he does it as he's gone on about it so much! It reminds me of the time a horrible ex proposed to me in Paris. I was fully expecting it but told him I didn't want it (we were always arguing) and yet he made me walk around paris with the ring (boxed) in my bag, until he found a fountain to propose by. I accepted for a quiet life. Needless to say I never went through with it, and couldn't wait to take the damn thing off. The point is, he went on and on and on and even if I had have wanted to marry him, him talking about it would have spoiled the proposal anyway!

Ajhu12 · 03/11/2019 17:44

Find the ring and put it on your finger! Surprise him instead!

GladAllOver · 03/11/2019 17:44

I hope you are still there OP, and taking note of what all these people are saying.
This man is not partner material.

TheCatInAHat · 03/11/2019 17:45

Don’t marry him. He sounds really unkind and dismissive of your feelings.

namechangeididtoo · 03/11/2019 17:46

If any consolation I’m still waiting for my husband to propose (he never did we mutually agreed them planned our wedding I chose a engagement ring at same time as wedding rings and have since upgraded it.
I’m not hugely romantic and neither is he

Dartsplayer · 03/11/2019 17:49

Last night might have been a red herring. When we were dating, my husband had gone on about getting engaged for ages then we went for a romantic weekend away. We got all dressed up, went to an expensive restaurant, I got all excited and then... nothing. The next day we got up, I threw on some clothes and ran a brush through my hair but that was it thinking I'd get ready for the day after breakfast. We sat down at a table in the middle of the breakfast room and they brought out a huge silver tray and in it, the ring, then he got down on one knee in the middle of breakfast in front of the whole hotel (who had already been told what was going to happen) whilst I looked a right state!! But it was lovely. He might be waiting for the right moment but he shouldn't keep going on about it cos much beforehand or it may ruin it for you

Theoldwrinkley · 03/11/2019 17:55

Take the matter into your own hands.
DH and I had been talking about getting hitched for years, but we sort of never got round to doing anything about it. I was in town at a loose end, so popped into registry office, phoned him up from there (no mobiles, then) and said ‘what are you doing a week Thursday’ and he said ‘nothing special’, so I said ‘well you are now, we are getting married’. Ok, he says. So we did. That was in 1991. If I hadn’t done anything, then we’d still be ‘living in sin’.
Do it yourself. It’ll get done then!

mumoftinyterrors · 03/11/2019 17:55

I’m pretty sure I’d have jogged him on by now

millimollimandi · 03/11/2019 17:57

When (if) he ever does, string him along with your answer... 'when you have my answer it is going to be awesome' 'only another month and I'll give you my answer' 'I promise to say yes or no by Easter' then say no. I would.

Ruderidinghood · 03/11/2019 17:57

You have planned for next year? You do realise it is November...unsure what kind if wedding you are having but places get very booked up in advance.

I would be super peeved at partner. It sounds utterly annoying. Good luck being married to him.

DanceItOut · 03/11/2019 17:58

So, hopefully you have up by now OP but we'll done for speaking up. The only advice I can give is to calmly tell him that you understand that he wanted it to be special but that if he wanted YOU to also feel the magic and special moment he should have just kept quiet about it until the moment rather than mentioning marriage and proposals regularly when it wasn't that magic moment because for you it is devaluing the moment. Say you're sorry that you ended up causing an argument but that you needed to be honest invite him to politely and calmly also share and talk nicely now that you've had the shouting part out. Say that you are fine to wait for the perfect moment but that he needs to just be quiet and not bring it up again until that moment happens if that's the way he wants to do it.

Ruderidinghood · 03/11/2019 17:58

@millimollimandiill hilarious!

Ffsonly46 · 03/11/2019 17:59

I'd ask him if he actually wanted to marry me.
I did this with DH when he had talked about getting married but wasn't following it up with any actions, so I said, do you really want to be married to me? If you do, I want an engagement ring and an agreed firm date so I can start planning. If not, I'm off".
This was said after many years together but you should not have to put up with nonsense and stringing along.

MissBax · 03/11/2019 18:01

Sounds like you're already engaged.

NoFun21 · 03/11/2019 18:03

It’s weird my stbxh bought me a beautiful ring - the one I really wanted but cost more than I’d expected him to spend and then had it in his pocket when we went to some really romantic spots but didn’t propose until we were in a park and then chose to do so on a bench - it was disappointing and looking back I think he enjoyed holding it back.

Commonwasher · 03/11/2019 18:05

Talk incessantly about a night of non-stop sex. Go on and on about it.

Then go straight to sleep.

Wait for the penny to drop...

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