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Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 03/11/2019 07:17

Oh OP! What a wet blanket!
I’d have blown my lid with him by now.
I had an ex very similar, told me he would propose by end of summer, kept dangling it like a carrot on a stick and wanting to ‘talk/plan’ about it. But wouldn’t tell me how/when and (I’m practical and impatient by character) I blew my lid with him about 6 weeks later.
Told him to either give me something to be excited about/be able to tell people...or sod off! That him making me ‘celebrate’ in secret and not be able to share/know where I stood was emotional abuse!
He muttered about ‘me ruining the atmosphere’ but did then propose a week later. It didn’t last long and ended in tears- he was a HUGE control freak who cared far more about his own experience than mine.

DH mentioned (out of nowhere) that he’d like to get married. We’d only been together 8 months. I told him I would too...one day!
We went on a lovely romantic holiday two months later and on the flight there he quietly told me he planned to buy a ring (in romantic European city) and would I like to pick it myself? 😬 YES PLEASE
We went shopping on the second day (no hanging around) and it was a lovely experience I’ll never forget! By the end of the week he’d ‘proposed’ and I had it on my finger.
Tbh I LOVED how he made it his decision (didn’t ever feel like I’d pushed or asked) but also include me completely to give me the experience I wanted too. It set the tone for our marriage, DH is assertive and capable but always opts to include me (as I do him) on all big decisions/moments.

The dynamic you’ve described with your DP OP, are you sure that’s the marriage you want?

MotherTime3 · 03/11/2019 07:53

My advice before the update was going to be;
Option 1 - next time he mentions being married/proposing jump in with an enthusiastic ‘yes I accept’ then ask for the ring.
Option 2 - say no, you’ve changed your mind.

After the update, I’m more convinced of option 2.

Hope he stops sulking soon, and realises this wasn’t romantic

Monkeymilkshake · 03/11/2019 07:58

I'd say he ruined the magic by going on about it all the time.
You know he has the ring, you know he "can't wait" to propose... what's there left!?
I would have told him to shut up about it until he actually proposes. It would drive me nuts!

diddl · 03/11/2019 08:01

I just don't understand who these women get drawn into living together a couple of kids & still waiting for a decade or more later for a proposal.

Wtf is wrong with you?

diddl · 03/11/2019 08:02

So I'm guessing there was never going to be a proposal, but now he can blame Op.

CruCru · 03/11/2019 08:11

The sulking isn’t really a good sign (and is incredibly unattractive). Is he sulky generally or is this a one off?

foxatthewindow · 03/11/2019 08:20

This is the reason we got engaged at home on the sofa. We had been together almost 5 years by that point, we were buying a house together, we had talked about marriage more than once. There was one evening where I thought he might, we had viewed a house together that was perfect (not the one we bought in the end), went for an impromptu dinner and a very very nice restaurant, fancy bottle of wine. It would have been the perfect moment. But he didn’t (he didn’t even have a ring but I wouldn’t have minded that one as in the end we chose it together). Some would say that I forced the engagement but we were at home one evening planning for the new house and terrifying (to me, the lower earner) mortgage. I said that it was important to me to be engaged and committed before buying this house and we mutually agreed. Not at all romantic, very practical. Similarly, I insisted on setting a date a year or so later when he started asking about having children. I said it was important to me that we got married first (younger, lower income, fewer assets), and we did. It doesn’t have to be old fashioned waiting for when a man deigns to get down on one knee. For us it was quite transactional really - based on what was important to both of us

selfishcrab · 03/11/2019 08:43

'So now I've apparently totally ruined it all and am apparently controlling and have spoiled the magic.'

OP is your DP Harry Potter!

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 03/11/2019 08:44

Now you've both calmed down, I'd tell him while you understand he wanted to make it magical experience for you, the point he started talking about it so much, telling you about the ring etc, he stopped the magic for you. From then on it became a chore that you had to wait for the proposal, with a side feeling that you had to earn it, which is off putting and making you question if you even want to be with him.

So now he can decide, if he wants the romantic story, he'll have to find a different woman hes not talked so much to about marriage. If he wants to have a grown up marriage with you, then discussing it like adults is the only option, a magical disney moment has gone.

KatherineJaneway · 03/11/2019 08:55

He doesn't want to get married imo. He's made a big song and dance of it in the hope you miss he hasn't actually done anything.

Everydaylife · 03/11/2019 08:59

I remember a thread on here where the guy had taken the op ring shopping 25 times, didn’t actually buy a ring and when she pushed it like the op on here, it turned out he didn’t actually want to get married at all.

Running908 · 03/11/2019 09:00

I think you both need to grow up! What a crazy drama filled way to start a marriage. Surely you talk about getting married, decide that's what you both want and then if he wants to do the magic proposal he does it soon after the discussion. You're in your 40s with a child for goodness sake not two 18 year olds.

Have a serious discussion not an argument about what you both want, if that's marriage then great you're engaged and can start planning for the wedding and married life. None of this waiting around while you dangle like the little lady who has no say in it all Hmm i can't imagine any 40 year olds I know behaving like this it's just so daft.

Collision · 03/11/2019 09:07

What a drama llama he is.

What a nightmare.

tenredthings · 03/11/2019 09:22

Buy yourself a big sparkly fake ring and put it on. See if he notices !

Lhastingsmua · 03/11/2019 09:28

I think regardless of how he proposes now, it will never be this amazing, spectacular event that he expects as he has hyped it up to the point that you’re over it. He will never be able to meet the expectations that he’s set.

I think it’s weird that he’s just dangling a proposal in front of you and often speaks about it - it’s manipulative almost. Either plan it on secret or follow through? Why does he have to keep going on about it?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/11/2019 09:31

@Mrwoofington Aren't your weddings fake staged weddings?
You've already signed the contracts in most cases, you're just going through with a party

I'm signing the contract there, on my wedding day, in front of my guests. Surely that is what happens in "most" cases?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 03/11/2019 09:34

He’s well and truly ruined the whole thing. Pathetic man.

YouJustDoYou · 03/11/2019 09:35

Oh op, he doesn't want to actually get married. There's been time and time and time and time again on here whereby the man says he has a ring, is "excited/can't wait to get married"....and yup, never happens, he's stalling for time for whatever reason men do this.

Dowser · 03/11/2019 09:52

Hot sauce 😂😂😂😂

Perhaps next time he mentions it, could you lift your leg, fart and walk off?

Dowser · 03/11/2019 10:16

My friend has been ‘ engaged’ for 30 years ..no wedding.
She runs a mile at the thought of a wedding. Their children are middle 20 s
She just thinks it’s not broke so why fix it.

The only reason I remarried is we were both cracking on a bit . I didn’t want Either of us to turn up at hospital asking which ward ‘my partner ‘ was on

6 months after our wedding I did exactly that . Turned up at the hospital asking where my husband was after his stroke.

If you’re happy enough as you are , just tell him you’re not bothered about engagements, rings and the stress of a wedding.
You are living the relationship that’s the important thing.

MulticolourMophead · 03/11/2019 10:33

He doesn't want to get married imo. He's made a big song and dance of it in the hope you miss he hasn't actually done anything.

This

plightofthealbatross · 03/11/2019 11:34

So now I've apparently totally ruined it all and am apparently controlling and have spoiled the magic.

Saw that coming, OP. I'm sorry. Let me guess. The magical arbitrary deadline to propose will now have to move, too, and he'll say that's your fault.

He doesn't want to marry you. THat's what his behaviour is telling you. i'd like to be wrong, but that's what his actions are saying ... and he's trying to pretend it's your fault.

plightofthealbatross · 03/11/2019 11:37

Call his bluff. Tell him you've been engaged since you decided you would get married to each other. End of. So you're going to book a date at the Registry Office for December, followed by a booking at a lovely restaurant to celebrate with X number of people, then a night in lovely hotel. ALong those lines.

You want to be married; you don't need a wedding to do that (waste of money at this point, anyway, frankly). If he baulks, you'll have your answer.

Confusedbeetle · 03/11/2019 11:40

The whole proposal thing is nonsense. I would tell him I am delighted you have both decided to spend the rest of your life together and there is no need for a proposal. You have put ypurself in this crackers situation where you a re pushing for a proposal and he desperately wants the decision to be his and not be pushed into it. This is not 1900. Time for a grown up conversation about a loving partnership, not an antiquated ritual

berringer · 03/11/2019 11:41

I had this with my ex! Took him utterly months of anxiety and distress to propose. Utterly boring! Whole thing ended in a broken engagement x