To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

[PrettyTricky]

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

At my friends‘ wedding, all the tables were named after places the bride thought the groom was going to propose but didn’t!

Bloody hell! My eyes rolled so hard at this one, that I'm surprised I'm not still looking behind me. Although maybe I still am.

I thought this was 2019, not 1819!

Wtf is magical about keeping you dangling for a ring? that doesn't exist At this stage I would be saying givus me ring or piss off. And I would mean it. If I live to be a million I will never understand why women will put their future happiness into a man's hands, in the form of waiting for a 'romantic' proposal. Grown ups should decide together if and when they want to marry, then get on with it.

Tosser

Are you sure he actually has bought a ring ?

There seems to be a pretty common theme here - couple get together , have DC before marriage then the woman gets upset when no proposal. I know I am ancient but I really think women need to get married before having children .

If I was being brutally honest here, OP, I'd say that you've told him repeatedly that you want to get married, and he's going along with it to appease you. If he wanted to ask, he would have done by now.

Instead, he's feeling backed into a corner, and you're feeling resentful and angry.

I think you both need to be honest with each other here.

I'm with ya, Old. Cannot believe how many are buying into this silly nonsense in 2019. Fucking hell. Sounds like my teenager and her boyfriend and 'going out'.

Tosser indeed.

Magic! Ha! Well he surely trampled all over that with his twittering endlessly in your ear.

He's all upset now is he!

OP, he is showing you exactly who he is.

Hard bloody work.

Do you really need to get married?

Is he the hard work he sounds like he is?

Take a good hard dis-compassionate look at who he really is.

'Cos he sounds like an irritating petulant twat.

If this is who he is.

Don't settle. Take this whole business as the wake up call it is.

If he really cared about you, instead of blaming you, he should be doubled over apologising to you for being unintentionally insensitive.

That's what someone who really loved you would do.

His reaction is very telling.

You deserve more.💐

He may have gone off the idea. The only way to know is to ask.

I read it as the DC was just OP's, not Sulky's.

Is that the case OP? Do you have kids together?

Anyway, this is all actually really useful. He's being ridiculous - and the way he's acted over the proposal itself really wants examining. It sounds like he's enjoyed putting you on the back foot with it in some way - which if so should be a dealbreaker, do not marry a manipulator.

Let him sulk, and watch him carefully while he does so.

Not sure you should be so positive about marrying this person.

To be fair op , I think the only magic you will get is from about 10 more double gins you should have .

It's called reverse psychology... 😥

this guy sounds like a right tosser... no wonder you lost it OP.

OP I hear ya. DP has one again talked about 'when we get married' without actually asking me.

Oh gawd do you really want to marry this grump?!

I just was talking about this to my DP and he said “well, I would guess that in all honesty the relationship is really over if it’s come down to these kinds of games,” and I’m inclined to agree with him.

OP he’s a game player. And I’d hazard a guess that this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this. The very words “he’s usually very romantic” usually ring alarm bells for me because IME men like him play up the romance to show themselves in a good light so that the women they control don’t see it because they’ve “got loads of good points.”

I would bet that he’ll now say that because you spoiled the magic (wtf?) he thinks that you should put off getting engaged and he will ask some other time, only for it to never happen.

This is a wake up call for you OP. If you don’t have children together then I would seriously be rethinking the relationship, not because of the lack of proposal, but because of the kind of person these kinds of games show him to be. It will only get worse once you’re married, if you were to get married.

You've spoiled the magic?

This scenario happened with my best friend. In the end they were out one evening and she got drunk and they had a row which ended with him producing the ring and her crying because it “wasn’t a real proposal”. I love her dearly but told her straight that this was the weirdest, most outdated, paternalistic and bizarre scenario I could imagine. When my now DH and I decided to get married it was a conversation and we booked a registry office. No weird mind games. If you’re that arsed, you ask him, but you know it’s a done deal so just agree a date and book the church. Just needless drama.

I'm going against the grain here and say dont be impatient. You built it up in your mind that he would propose on a certain day. I get he has been building up for months but if you dont have such great expectations you wont be so disappointed. If he doesnt ask by the end of December then call him out on it.

Such a shame this thread riled you up about this OP, as it really didn't need to get nasty. Yeah he was being a bit of a twit about it but I don't think it sounded malicious.

"If you think that what the OP and her partner are currently doing — some kind of 1950s division of labour whereby Men Propose (But Don’t) and Women Who’ve Had Their Children Wait In a Combination of Desperation and Annoyance (And Keep Getting Manicures In Case They’re Proposed To) is ‘romantic’, then I really think you have a screw loose"

THIS! A thousand times!

And as pp said, aye, is so fucking depressing

You say you don’t want to ruin it for him but he’s ruining it for you and you need to tell him that. This would really piss me off and I’d see it as a form of control.

MyKingdomForBrie yup. He was being a bit of a twat but seemingly because he was overexcited. Should have just told him that, as long as it's still happening before Xmas, to just be quiet about it until it happens.

How long has he had the ring?

My concern would be that he’s had it a long time waiting for the right moment that when you do get it you may not like it and won’t be able to exchange it for one you prefer because he’s had it too long.

Maybe next time he mentions it say this ring better be worth the bloody wait.

All these women with kids and mortgages waiting decades for 'a proposal' is blowing my mind

STOP doing that. A 'magic' proposal is nothing but a staged bit of faux romance that serves to remove agency from women by making it not allowed for them to talk about their wishes, not allowed to plan for their future and actually leaves them vulnerable (the number of women who've had kids without marriage just because he never asked is frankly ridiculous).

OP well done for calling him out on this. Please tell him when you're both sober and calm that you no longer want a staged proposal but you want to start proudly wearing your ring and telling people and making plans.

He's a bit selfish isn't he? Why does he think that 'his' moment (creating the perfect proposal) is more important than your feelings of disappointment?