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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 02/11/2019 21:37

I have been waiting 11 years Christmas day. The whole family keep asking when. His brother got married last year they were together few years after us. He keeps going on when saying music on his phone at times about what we should pick for first dance. We'll I might have an opinion once I have a ring. Last Christmas was our 10th anniversary. We went with both sides of family to same pub where we got together 10 years earlier. They all thought he would ask but nothing. We had a trip to the Shard for Christmas and went this summer for a night child free in London. They and I thought he would ask then (my birthday weekend) but nope still nothing. Few people have said why don't I ask him..... Well after almost 11 years I think it's his bloody job and it best be worth the wait in effort made. Couldn't give a monkeys about the ring but he needs to put in some effort rather than like my friend who's fiance asked sat at home on the couch watching footy.

ElleDubloo · 02/11/2019 21:50

I’m not sure why long term partners with children are even excited about marriage? Seems like it should happen at the beginning or not at all?

dontalltalkatonce · 02/11/2019 22:00

Hope you haven't given up your financial security to become dependent on this bloke, Tricia. Seems rather silly to even want some big 'effort' when you're already living together and have a family. I agree, Elle.

Original poster
PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 22:02

Well we have ended up having a full blown row and now I told him verbatim to 'shit or get off the pot'.

So now I've apparently totally ruined it all and am apparently controlling and have spoiled the magic.

At this point I'd like to shove the ring where the sun don't shine. Honestly, if he were to present me with it now, I think he'd have to have it surgically removed.

Off to have a gin and consider joining a convent. Bloody hell.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 22:04

For the record I didn't want a big song and dance, I just wanted to be able to plan. He's the one who has created a massive hoopla about it.

OP posts:
Examssuck · 02/11/2019 22:06

He sounds like an awful, narcissistic ex of mine who could constantly tell me he was planning a surprise for me or writing a poem/letter for me or buying me a present and I had to act just the right amount of excited without appearing too keen otherwise I wouldn’t get it. He was a horrible prick.

dontalltalkatonce · 02/11/2019 22:09

Magic? C'mon, he acting like a stroppy teenager. He was just wanting you to buoy him up.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 02/11/2019 22:13

Oh dear he sounds like a bit of a nightmare. I think most couples discuss it at least to some extent before there's a proposal, but this is taking it too far, it's like he's stringing you along enjoying your frustration. I hate surprises as a rule. I'm also s huge planet and organiser and DH just goes along with what I want mostly, but did that he wanted to be the one who proposed. We had discussed getting married and he knew I wouldn't have children without. He also knew I didn't want a huge song and dance insta proposal, so asked when we were alone in a really beautiful spot on holiday and he'd chosen an unusual ring that is so my style, that understanding of the type of person I am and the things I like meant a lot more than any big production.

BareKneesDeCourcy · 02/11/2019 22:13

Oh dear!

Maybe he’s constipated. Give him a bottle of Lactulose and a big spoon. Do it in a romantic setting, a candlelit dinner of stewed prunes.

frillyfarmer · 02/11/2019 22:14

Magic? I find it really difficult to believe you're in your 40s and spouting shit like this - you both need your heads banging together.

64sNewName · 02/11/2019 22:15

I’m really sorry to hear you’ve had a row op - it must feel grim.

But it’s pretty telling that he’s now reversing the whole thing and claiming that you’re controlling, mainly because you’ve finally tried to shake off his total control of the situation.

I feel sad on your behalf. It’s a horrible situation. But you didn’t create it. Please don’t let him convince you it’s your fault.

MarthasGinYard · 02/11/2019 22:17

'Spoiled the magic'

No offence but it's hardly a surprise as he's been dangling it like a donut on a string....and you sing exactly loves young dream by the sound of things Grin

Chilledout11 · 02/11/2019 22:21

The whole thing is horrible. It's cruel to make hints that the meal night wad going to be 'the night. I also think in your 40s with dc already that there's no need for nonsense.

AutumnRose1 · 02/11/2019 22:25

Bloody hell indeed

Am I right in thinking you don’t have children together?

Karwomannghia · 02/11/2019 22:25

I was at a firework display tonight and thought of this thread and thought maybe he’s got something really special planned, (like fireworks) and to him he’s just excited and doesn’t realise you think he’s going to pop the question at every opportunity. I went through similar, I was pregnant and he was going to propose it was just a matter of when. He’d wanted to do it in London somewhere special but we were just with friends the whole time and he’d carried the ring around in his pocket. In the end it was just in bed! He got really nervous bless him, as if I’d say no at that stage!
At my friends‘ wedding, all the tables were named after places the bride thought the groom was going to propose but didn’t! Made a great speech.
Promise you’ll tell us when it happens!!

Karwomannghia · 02/11/2019 22:27

Oops I didn’t see the update

TigerJoy · 02/11/2019 22:28

"Spoiled the magic"... for him...It was fucking annoying for you

Well done for telling him how you feel

Have a nice big gin

You have done nothing wrong, he was acting like a tool

On the plus side if he proposes before Christmas now it will genuinely be a massive surprise

Besidesthepoint · 02/11/2019 22:28

He is the one who spoiled the magic by talking about it every day and not doing anything.

rollonoctober · 02/11/2019 22:29

I reckon he actually hasn't got the ring yet.

DidntLikeRugbyAnyway · 02/11/2019 22:29

What fucking magic?

See, I thought this would happen. You’ve ruined it. Very manipulative on his part.

theSnuffster · 02/11/2019 22:30

I'm at 13 years and two children, still no proposal even though we've talked about it.

We've had many friends and family members meet their partners, get engaged and get married in that time. I've started to feel guilty now because when other people announce their engagements I don't feel happy for them really, I just feel sad that I've not had that. I do feel a little silly that it bothers me so much but I can help how I feel.

GladAllOver · 02/11/2019 22:30

Well that seems to confirm what everyone has been telling you.
He's upset because he's seen his control over you slipping away.

Seeingadistance · 02/11/2019 22:30

Magic?!

For fuck's sake!!!

chartreuse · 02/11/2019 22:33

He sounds incredibly hard work. I would think long and hard about whether I'd want to be married to someone so self centred. He's thinking about the 'magic' of the proposal and your feelings are coming a poor second place.

DamnShesaSexyChick · 02/11/2019 22:34

You need to take back control. Don't want to marry him and you can't imagine anything worse, even if he gets down on one knee say no.

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