To not really understand why people get so angry about toddlers being rough?

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Went to soft play this morning (for my many sins), to meet some a couple of friends and their toddlers. There was a small Wendy house thing that DS (16 months) was playing in, and another toddler (maybe slightly older, but not much) came over, wanted to play with it and pushed DS over, scratching his face as he did it. I went over to grab DS (who was grizzling but clearly not hurt) and the other boy's mother apologised profusely, to which I said 'oh, don't worry, he's tiny, he doesn't know what he's doing'. She looked surprised by this and my friends when I got back also seemed surprised that I hadn't been angry and started saying that the other little boy was 'spiteful' - wtf?! He was 18 months old at the most! But thinking about it I see this a lot - there are constant (in my view ridiculous) arguments at soft play and there's some drama at DS's nursery (in the room above him, so I've not paid too much heed) where some parents want a biter chucked out of the nursery.

Is it weird that I just don't really get this reaction? Obviously I'd move DS away and say 'no' if he hurt another child (it's never actually come up) but I think it's crazy to act like it's some act of malevolence - young toddlers genuinely don't know that other people have feelings! Am I missing some kind of basic instinct that everyone else has here? Fwiw I told DH about the soft play incident and he was furious - we both thought the other one was being really weird about it!

I totally agree with you.

If my daughter did it I would apologise but wouldn’t expect the other parent to be shitty. And I’ve never been shitty when someone’s child has pushed mine. I might be if they didn’t stop their child but that has never happened.

Obviously there are limits but that sounds like run of the mill rough toddler behaviour and I don’t get being an arse about it.

You’re normal - everyone I know is like you.

People tend to get annoyed because there are parents out there who let their children run wild and don't even attempt to supervise them. They simply don't care. Soft play is a break for them to go on their phone/gossip with mates- they couldn't tell you where their child is or what they're up to. These parents also typically get mouthy if you call them out for their lack of supervision when their child hurts/bullies another one.

It's the parents people are angry at. Not the kids, 99% of the time.

Most people I know are like you; I’ve not really come across people who get annoyed about toddlers being rough. I get irritated by parents who don’t intervene but it’s not the end of the world

A lot depends on how the parent handles it. I was at a soft play once with a mum who knew her little one has a habit of hitting. She was on it and ready to pounce once she saw the signs. Everyone was lovely to her because she was actively trying to control the behaviour. I imagine that same child with a less switched on parent would have been a bit of a nightmare.

I was ready to object based on your title but you seem to have a sensible attitude. Some parents lack of supervision or adherence to age limits in certain zones is shocking. I dont want boisterous 9/10 year olds in the under 3s zone and I dont want 3 year olds running wild around babies. The only reason I get annoyed is because I have a very bright but not overly physically advanced 14 month old non walker who loves to wake and play with other toddlers but often just gets slapped and pushed over. We've stepped back from a few toddler friendships that werent working and now meet others who are more similar and whe had a great time.

You're right.

However some people are idiots.

People who prop their three month olds up in the older kids bit annoy me too. They always get annoyed when my crazy boy charges past. Bugger off back to the baby bit!

I'm on the same page as you especially when the toddlers are around the same age however...an unsupervised 3 year old (who had a little brother with him) slapped my son when he was 18 month old round the head once in soft play really hard and I was fuming about it and went to find the mother!
I later saw said kid pushing his brother around. Toddlers can be boisterous and that's fine but It's the lack of supervision that annoys me more. If you're not there to supervise then you don't witness what happens therefore there are no consequences and no one telling child what they've done is wrong.

I don’t think toddlers have the capacity to be spiteful or malevolent, but I do think they need to be taught pretty quickly that that kind of rough behaviour isn’t acceptable. Otherwise they become 3/4/5+ year olds who still push other children around.

YANBU op but I have to agree that it's infuriating when a kid is constantly hitting and pushing others in soft play and Mum or Dad are sitting miles away not taking any notice and not intervening at all. Toddlers do obviously do this but parents also do need to intervene to some extent so that they can learn it's not the right way to behave towards others.

I would guess its because they have to learn. If they get a 'dont worry its completely normal' reaction every time then yea it's ok when they are under 2 but when they're 4 it's not ok.

I personally dont mind if a toddler does something once but I would get annoyed if the parents see them do it again and dont intervene, as I dont want my children to get injured just because someone else is too lazy to take action. My eldest was a biter and we would always try and stop her before she bit or put her in time out or remove her when she tried to.

My baby was injured at nursery by another child, bad enough to leave a scar a year later. I am not angry as that's what happens however I would be angry if I found out that the other child had a history of hurting others and nobody addressed it

Agreed. It's the parents attitude that does it for me. One of dd's nursery friends went through a biting phase. Whenever we all went anywhere or parties etc we all really felt for the mum as she had to constantly be on high alert and shadowing her dd.

On the other hand, if the parent was either oblivious, did that gentle ineffective 'stop punching the baby darling' or brushed it off as being spirited etc, then I'd just think they were a twat

Also you day s drama where parents want a biter chucked out of nursery...yes its not mali is at that age but if your child had been regularly bitten would you not get a bit sick of it? The only way they can stop it is 1:1 supervision which means no one is teaching or playing with your child. We had to do loads of work with our eldest to try and stop them biting as I was worried nursery would chuck them out but I can understand why other parents wouldn't be happy

Your attitude is normal, as some others say though the problem is where parents know their child bites/ pushes atm for whatever reason and expect other people not to be bothered about their own children getting hurt.

There's an etiquette involving being magnanimous if your child is hurt but only if the parents of the biting/ pushing/ hitting child upholds their end of the bargain, which is to remove their child, apologise and behave as though they are utterly mortified, so you can assure them it's no big deal.

Agree the worst parents of all in busy soft play and playground situations are the ones who put their tiny wobbly babies in the ball pool to take photos, in an area labeled for under 6 year olds and then get upset that there are "enormous" five year olds (whom they believe must be "at least eight") landing in there from a slide or whatever, the way the equipment is meant to be used. Ditto the parents who think their 15 month old is too advanced for the under 5s area and encourage them onto climbing structures for older children, and are then furious when there are older children using the structures as they're intended to be used...

I agree with black cat about certain parents who don't adhere to the age limit in zones .My son then age 3 was in the 2-5 zone aimed at boisterous kids who need to let off steam. A young mum was sat in the ball pit holding a very small baby, just sat there. My son didn't see them and jumped on startling the baby, the mum shouted at hI'm. To say she felt was fury was an understatement.

Yy to children in areas they're too young for and the parent then being pissed off with the 'giant' dc in the age appropriate area.

Plus my personal bugbear was parents assuming my dc was older and should give way/ be careful/ more tolerant of their dc simply because she was tall. No, funnily enough my 2yr old isn't going to let your 3yr old snatch because you've decided she looks 4.

Behaviour like this is precisely why I never take my children to soft play or leave them alone at parties.

If your child cannot play nicely it shouldn't be there.

I have three kids, I get that while learning sometimes they push, bite etc but if it continues more than once or twice they are too young to be in that setting Imo.

Your comment about biters in nursery.
My Youngest is 3 and a child at his nursery starting biting him, not once but on multiple occasions, hard enough to go through clothes and leave such a perfect, deep, mouth shaped intentation you could see the shape for almost a week.
My DS became frightened to go to nursery when he previously loved it.
Too bloody right I expected the child to be removed from nursery and made it clear to staff that my child is not there to be assaulted and will not be attending while bitey child is resident.

I do think some parents need to be firmer though & not just accept this behaviour will happen because they're a toddler.
DS was hard work at that age as he wouldn't sit still but did respond well to being told not to be rough with other children. They do understand behaviour rules at that age I think?

DS was hard work at that age as he wouldn't sit still but did respond well to being told not to be rough with other children. They do understand behaviour rules at that age I think?

Definately.

Totally agree that it's all about how the parent manages it. It's completely normal for toddlers to try out being aggressive, but I came across parents at baby groups who'd just giggle and say "this one's a little monkey!" or "he's just a typical boisterous boysy boy!" when their toddler snatched and shoved. Unsurprisingly, the children in question were still being rough when it was too old to be "just a phase".

Too bloody right I expected the child to be removed from nursery and made it clear to staff that my child is not there to be assaulted and will not be attending while bitey child is resident.

This isn’t something I’ve got experience of as my DS is very little still but reactions like this do baffle me. I get why you’d be very unhappy about your child being bitten but biting is incredibly common - and normal - toddler behaviour and it’s a risk if you choose to use nursery. I just can’t imagine starting a witch-hunt against a toddler - I’d be annoyed at the nursery for failing to prevent the biting, not insisting that the kid lose its place at daycare.

Like others have said it's how the adults deal with it, rather than the children themselves.

I've been on both sides, my eldest bit another child at the childminders and my youngest got bitten at another childminders. With both incidents, my first question was what was the CM doing at the time of each incident. With my eldest, she was a good childminder and made sure my eldest didn't bite again by dealing with the situation properly. With my youngest, well she was a shit CM and we stopped using her after 5 weeks because of this and other problems.

I remember nursery being really surprised that I was rather chill about my son bring bitten (just turned one, by a child a month older). They'd looked after him, given him a cuddle and made sure he was okay. Toddlers bite and hit sometimes. It's not nice, but there no malice and everyone's little one is going to be too rough at some point.

@TrainspottingWelsh I feel your pain my 4yo looks 6/7. I get so much crap about his “behaviour” when actually he’s doing exactly what the other similar age kids are. He just happens to be a head taller.

Fave so far is the chap who told me that he shouldn’t be in a pushchair. He was 2...

YANBU. It is rather common for some parents to get precious about their toddlers but many parents are also laid-back.

DS has definitely not been above hitting but he's also been hit and slapped many times by kids of a similar age, I've just removed him. I've never sought out their parents to let them know. I might only say something if they kept doing it. Once a woman came up to my DH and me to just "let us know" that DS hit her son. We were perplexed as she had seen us remove and discipline him. I'm not sure what else she expected us to do. He was two, ffs.

These things at groups and soft play are par for the course. I definitely think that age limits in soft-play areas should be more rigorously enforced. Very frustrating when much older kids are in an area they shouldn't be. Equally, young babies shouldn't be in the line of fire if their parents take them to an inappropriate area. My DS and other toddlers were playing in an age-appropriate area and a mother was becoming annoyed because balls were hitting her very young baby and he was crying. She had placed him on the floor!