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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To enjoy living in flat with children?

147 replies

Kate9210 · 31/10/2019 10:47

I'm getting a lot of negative comments about living in a flat with 2 children.
Friends and colleagues and mums at baby groups are all expressing 'concern' about me not having 'a proper house' now that we have children.
It's really pi**ing me off.
My husband and I, our toddler and our baby live in a huge flat.
It's a converted Georgian double fronted house.
There are 2 flats on the ground floor and 2 on the first floor.
We live on the ground floor.
We have our own entrance.
We have our own private front garden and a massive south facing back garden filled with grass, trees, shrubs and flowers, and big shed. Absolutely nothing overlooks us, the back of our flat looks out and leads out on to our garden and all we see is that, plus trees and sky.
The flat is full of original features and has very high ceilings.
Our lounge has three 3 seater sofas, a desk and a large wide sideboard, and still there is masses of room for my toddler and his friends to play in with all his toys. It has a big bay window which floods the room with light. We have a 12 light chandelier hanging from the high ceiling. The view is of our front garden and trees.
Our kitchen is big, and easily sits our large dining table. I love nothing more than coming home from a day out, in the summer, with the kitchen windows and door open on to the back garden whilst my toddler potters in and out, and I watch him in the garden whilst I cook.
We have 2 big double bedrooms. A nice bathroom with a big window in it.
And a big long hallway where all the rooms lead off from, which has a walk in cupboard next to our front door where we keep the pram.
In the summer we constantly have friends round for BBQs.
2 min walk from our front door and we are on the beach.
On a windy day we hear the waves of the sea from our garden.
We are surrounded by big green parks.
15 min drive and we're in the countryside.
Our flat is in a quiet road and surrounding residential area, yet nearby it has nice cafes and restaurants.
We literally never hear our neighbours above or next to us; the soundproofing between the 2 floors is excellent and the walls between 2 flats next to each other are extra thick solid brick walls.
My neighbours in the other 3 flats have each lived here for over 10 years, are all working professionals, and all love my children, invite us round so they can see the children, they give them Christmas presents and tell me they are lovely children, so there is no issue with neighbours.
My children are not noisy, so I never worry about sound issues.
I just absolutely love, love, love where we live and have no reason to move!
Houses in our area cost close to a million pounds, so we can't afford to buy one.
So what I want to know is, why the negative comments from people? Why are people asking us "WHEN are you going to buy a house??". It is relentless. Friends have sat me down and seriously said "when will you buy a house? You need to buy a house!". Colleagues have said, when I've taken new baby in to visit, "oh I do feel for you, it must be so hard living in a flat with children". Family have made sympathetic faces when I've said we have no plans to move.
Yet we are so happy here!
So why the negative comments? Do people look down on children being brought up in flats?!
I don't care what people think of me, but I do care what they think of my children. Will people feel sorry for them growing up in a flat?? Is it considered substantial in some way??
I couldn't bear it if people felt like this about my children!
AIBU to enjoy living in a flat with children? Is this selfish of me?!

OP posts:
Flippetydip · 31/10/2019 12:23

I'm guessing Brighton or Hove :)

It sounds amazing. I bet it's easier to heat that an equivalent sized house as well. might be slightly obsessed with heating at the mo as boiler was broken until an hour ago

Bellringer · 31/10/2019 12:23

Such an English attitude. People rent flats all over Europe a bring kids up in them. Just enjoy your life and pity the judges their limited imagination

TatianaLarina · 31/10/2019 12:26

It’s a very English thing. The whole of Europe live in flats.

Trafalger · 31/10/2019 12:27

I am with you on this. We live in a flat, people always turn their noses up at us. We can't afford a house around here but when we have looked they are tiny compared to our flat. We do have a small kitchen and bathroom but our bedroom is 20ft x 18ft and our lounge is bigger than that.

Sceptre86 · 31/10/2019 12:30

My in laws live in a flat like yours. It is a top floor flat though. It too has high ceilings, massive rooms and loads of original features with a huge garden. When we lived there people would give me the same annoying chat about getting a house. The only negative was getting both kids in and out of the flat but my mil or fil would always help with that. I enjoyed living in that flat
We now have our own home and whilst lovely the rooms are nowhere near as big or solid. The comments tend to come from people who have never lived in flats like my mum. Just tell them your flat more than meets your needs or invite them around so they can see dor themselves and shut up about it! If is annoying, yanbu x

GabsAlot · 31/10/2019 12:34

Your flat sounds great i love high celings-ignore them loads of us lived in flats much smaller than yours when we were growing up we're not all deprived because of it

Kate9210 · 31/10/2019 12:35

@LonginesPrime
Yes, the chandelier bit probably sounded silly didn't it. I realise now, reading it back! I'm just feeling a bit defensive of where we live, as in, look, we don't live in squalor, we live in a nice place with tall ceilings, original period features and a chandelier! But still some people are critical!
Sorry. But last night a friend took me out for a drink and then lectured me on the pressing need for us to buy a house now we have children. I was so upset.
And my best friend goes on and on with her line of questioning about us buying a house (she lives in a luxurious house that we could never afford).
I've just had so many comments that I've started to question where we live, even though me & hubby & toddler are all so happy there.
And I don't want to stretch us financially by moving at this time.
Thanks for all the supportive comments!Smile

OP posts:
QueenKong101 · 31/10/2019 12:36

This is one of the things I don't miss about life in the UK!

OP, YADNBU. I live in Hong Kong, and, like the majority of the population here, have two kids, no outside space, and a relatively small square footage that most people in the UK would be utterly horrified at. It's absolutely the norm here, and my kids are in no way deprived because of it (they have plenty of opportunity to spend time outside on beaches, in parks and in nature reserves, particularly as we have a decent climate).

British people are utterly obsessed with houses and home ownership (as was I when I lived there!), something that the majority of the world find as baffling as our fixation with the weather and tea! I've had people declare that my poor kids must be disadvantaged by our living arrangements when I've been back for a visit - I just nod and smile and agree that they are far superior parents to us, which I assume is what they really want to hear.

Your flat sounds lovely!

WorldEndingFire · 31/10/2019 12:37

God they sound toxic. So many people have no choice about the conditions in which they live and manage to raise happy, healthy families in spite of what they're put through (though they deserve better - a Labour government with a proper housing policy will help with that). Let them keep their insecurities to themselves.

tttigress · 31/10/2019 12:38

If it's any consolation, I live in Switzerland.

Almost every one in Switzerland lives in a flat, the average flat in Switzerland designed for a family is larger than the average family house on the UK.

It doesn't feel to me as though any Swiss children are being harmed by living in a flat!!

JustAnotherMammi · 31/10/2019 12:44

Sounds love a lovely flat and bigger than our house!
There's definitely advantages to living in a flat. Enjoy it. Lots of families live in flats! Just tell people you don't plan on moving as you're very happy there.

DarlingNikita · 31/10/2019 12:48

last night a friend took me out for a drink and then lectured me on the pressing need for us to buy a house now we have children. I was so upset. Don't be upset. Be angry. How dare they? Ask them (her?) how she dares lecture you.

And my best friend goes on and on with her line of questioning about us buying a house… I've just had so many comments that I've started to question where we live
Don't question yourself. Again, ask HER why she will not drop this frankly tedious line of questioning.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 31/10/2019 12:52

I'm just feeling a bit defensive of where we live, as in, look, we don't live in squalor, we live in a nice place with tall ceilings, original period features and a chandelier! But still some people are critical!

Hmm Many people live in flats that may not be as grand as yours but they certainly don't live in squalor. Is that your opinion of people who live in say, a high rise flat? Most people make wherever they live into a home, with or without tall ceilings, period features and chandeliers.

Sorry OP, but I think your friends snobby attitudes may be rubbing off on you. As I said earlier, I'd re think who you're mixing with. And quickly, before your children start acting like them.

Storsteinen · 31/10/2019 12:55

Some people think you should always have as big a property as you can possibly afford. They don’t understand that others prefer one that is big enough but leaves spare cash to enjoy life.

I get this attitude a lot. I'm single and living in a one-bedroom flat. I've been here 10 years and in that time I've had two live-in partners. The flat was perfectly adequate for 2 people. Now I'm in it alone I have more than enough space. All I get from people is "When are you going to buy a bigger flat?" "Time for you to move out and get more space".
I think why on earth would I want to? I love my flat. There's enough room. I have a lovely big lounge/diner. I don't know what I'd do with more space - there would be more to clean and more room to horde stuff.
I could afford a bigger flat but I have a great quality of life here and I'm outdoors a lot of the time. I'm at home to eat, sleep, bathe and lounge around on the couch with netflix or a book.

I just think people have to have something to say about everything and a lot of people do it to make themselves feel superior or to justify their own lifestyle choices (eg. being mortgaged up to the hilt and having no spare cash for anything in order to have a massive mansion with kerb appeal).

Just ignore them. Breezily change the subject every time they bring it up. If they want to take it to mean that you are deeply unhappy in your squalid little flat and that you are concerned the children will be damaged for life then let them think that! You're happy - and the flat does sound really lovely - you can afford the flat and the lifestyle you want. You don't need more than that.

JustAnotherMammi · 31/10/2019 12:56

Also I've been in my friends 2 bed high rise council flat and there was so much space!!! It was lovely and kids are happy. Just for those commenting about tower blocks.

Do you live in a very wealthy area? I find they're generally snobbier.Grin

BrightYellowDaffodil · 31/10/2019 12:57

Quite aside from your friends needing to mind their own business, what on Earth is the difference, logistics-wise, between your current set up and a bungalow? None, really.

I used to live in a similar flat - Bath stone house, high ceilings, original features, lovely thick walls that were warm and soundproof - and I bloody loved it. I’d crawl over broken glass to have that flat back!

DarlingNikita · 31/10/2019 12:57

MonChatEstMagnifique, I really don't think the OP is saying that flats not exactly as nice as hers are automatically 'squalor'. I think you're misconstruing her.

RedRec · 31/10/2019 12:59

Stunning humblebrag.

64sNewName · 31/10/2019 13:01

Thread has moved on OP, but you asked (with a Hmm) why I said you sounded disingenuous.

I said it because going by your OP, you don’t sound like you really require much reassurance that your home and lifestyle are wonderful. So I thought it was disingenuous to frame the thread as a plea for validation.

Your description of your stunning property just doesn’t read like it was written by someone who’s genuinely afraid that she isn’t doing right by her children.

You crack on, enjoy your amazing home. Quite clearly YABU on that score.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 31/10/2019 13:02

DarlingNikita

I hope I've got it wrong. It's just not coming across well. Either way, I wouldn't want to be around these 'friends'.

64sNewName · 31/10/2019 13:03

Fgs, typo. I meant quite clearly YANBU on that score.

MrMumble · 31/10/2019 13:12

YADNBU. We're just in the process of buying a flat, should be in fairly soon. We've sold the big, draughty house we thought we wanted. Lovely, lots of Victorian features. In a major city in a rubbish area that was the best we could afford. It was difficult to get out of the front door because of traffic and cars and the garden was so awkward as to be almost unusable, long walk to the park. We've moved to a much smaller city and are buying a smallish flat but with biiig living room, purpose built block so no lovely features but it's opposite a big park, alongside a walkway along the river...walking distance from the city centre with all of the museums and galleries AND it has a really sought after primary school! All for a fraction of the price of our house. I'm so excited. The park is so much better than any garden we could possibly imagine and I think DS will get so much from being able to roam about whenever he wants. I do think it's a peculiarly British thing and I've already had to do a lot of reassuring my DP about it all, which is mad because I was so unhappy in the last place!

BitchPeas · 31/10/2019 13:13

I was thinking Hove too. If so those flats are gorgeous OP and massive.

LonginesPrime · 31/10/2019 13:19

last night a friend took me out for a drink and then lectured me on the pressing need for us to buy a house now we have children.

'Friend' is a dickhead - tell them all to mind their own bloody business!

Being charitable to them for a second and assuming you haven't already told them to butt out - is there a chance that you're almost agreeing with them to avoid confrontation? If you're explaining your reasons for staying where you are, could they think that you actually want to leave and they think they're helping?

Either way, the answer is to firmly tell them you're happy with your home, thanks!

Also, some of these people might have overcommitted financially in the mistaken belief that they absolutely had to move to a house when they had children, and are now desperate to cling to the belief that it was essential otherwise they might have to accept that there were other financial options for them that they stupidly dismissed.

Parttimewasteoftime · 31/10/2019 13:20

I had my first baby that we owned in a flat. Cue the sad faces from relatives I managed a long mat leave as are mortgage was so cheap. We moved to a "proper house" now it's much smaller every room we have downsized. We had other issues re parking and neighbours but miss my huge bay windowed flat. Enjoy OP

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