Don't know how to help my unhappy child

[Snugglemonster84]

My son is 9 and is unhappy. He has a wonderful life, a room full of toys, TV, xbox, clothes, food, a lovely warm home, a loving family, gets taken on lots of fun days out, holidays, been to disneyworld last year and going again next year. He has lots of friends. Goes to a nice school. Is idolised by grandparents. Is allowed to play out. He has good health. Goes to cubs. He's not naughty so is rarely told off for anything. I'm a sahm. His dad works hard to provide for us.
But he is still unhappy and also extremely ungrateful, and openly tells me so. He is so negative about everything. Like the typical Kevin teenager. Is this normal at age 9?
Any advice on how best to deal with it? He doesn't want to join in with family stuff anymore. He doesn't want to go out places or even see grandparents which he adored. He moans about absolutely everything unless we are doing something that he wants to do. He has no motivation for anything. Will not put any effort in to his school homework, reading, art projects etc. He's really clever so where he should be academically but he doesn't try so could be doing alot better.
Should I just leave him be, or speak to him about it? Should he be allowed to speak to us in such a negative manner or should he be punished? I feel so sad and I worry about him that he seems so sad about life when he has the perfect life! (I know the x box will be suggested as a problem, he has limited time on it at weekends only).
He has also had 6 weeks of counselling with a child therapist, who has worked with on things like not making mountains out of molehills etc but it's had no effect.

What does he choose to do when left to his own devices? What makes him laugh? It does sound tough. He clearly knows you think his attitude is wrong but doesn't know how to get out of it, or even see why he should.

I'd be looking to get in and give him some attention wherever there's a chink of joy and leave the rest as much as possible

It's hard to work out from what you say if he is depressed or spoilt. If you think he is depressed can he go to more regular counselling? If he is spoilt take away some of his things/activities/experiences so when they do come around he appreciates it more. Has he any idea how lucky he is? Would some education around how others live make any difference?

Have you discussed with his GP? He does sound a bit depressed. Maybe some CBT might help change his thought patterns.

He has no siblings or cousins to closely relate to ? Maybe though he has lots of friends the relationship isn’t one where he can perhaps open up ?
I can’t think it’s normal for a nine year old to be this way without a very good reason . If counselling didn’t uncover anything then more wont help unless it’s with a different counsellor . To be told you are making mountains out of molehills is the same as being told your concerns and fears are quite dismissive basically . Just wondering if the boredom stems from lack of challenge at school . You say he’s turning off from homework and projects . What does his teacher say about his achievements and progress ? This world weariness and deep ennui he is manifesting in being petulant is probably rooted in deeper worries if he’s a deep thinker - he seems to be .

Hi op it sounds difficult. You say he is rarely told off for anything because he isn't naughty, but for me, being ungrateful, not doing his homework and spoiling others fun is something that he should be told off about...especially the ingratitude. Maybe you have become so worried about his unhappiness, that you are seeing this behaviour as a sign of his unhappiness rather than a sign he is spoilt.

Think Findapenny has hit the nail on the head.

Sounds like he is spoilt not unhappy (sorry you might not want to hear this)

Watching with interest. My DD age 7 is similar - not as bad since she is often happy and enjoys most activities but she is also often very “glass half empty” about life. Always sees the negative, focuses on what she doesn’t have rather than what she does, worries about things going wrong rather than assuming things will go fine. In her case she has a mild physical disability which makes her tired, also she is becoming aware of being “different” so perhaps that’s why. I am keen to read any suggestions to help her have a sunnier outlook.

OP what is your DS like once you get him out somewhere doing something? Does he then join in happily ie the resistance is only to going out in the first place? Or does he mope when out too?

It could be that he is spoilt yes. We talk alot about how lucky we are. He has a younger sister 2 years younger.
He wants to be in charge of everything. He likes to feel in control i think.
He has had CBT, it did nothing. They said he is anxious. If we punish him or speak to him about how he is, he gets very shouty and says we make him angry.

Find a Penny’s post has the ring of truth to it.
Are you scared to tell him off?
Many parents avoid telling their kids off because they fear their kids reaction. This can lead to kids feeling ‘in control’ of their parents. When they start to see (usually as a teen) that they cannot control the world, they can find it really hard.

Has he always had a tendency to be like this OP or is this a change in behaviour? No chance there is any bullying going on at school?

Your post does sound like he gets pretty much whatever he wants so doesn’t really have to try hard for anything or make any sacrifices .
My dd isn’t ungrateful but does act spoilt which is our fault so we’ve started to address this and it’s improving already .

I don't think I have ever met a spoilt child that is actually happy. Whether they are spoilt by material goods or spoilt by not having boundaries, they are never satisfied and feel they are owed more and missing out.

That feeling of missing out can be really stressful and probably leads to your son feeling unhappy/verbally lashing out as he doesn't know what's wrong. He is told that he is lucky to have what he has but for him something is missing....he needs boundaries to appreciate what he has.

My middle son can be a bit like this - he’s a bit younger than yours - and it gets worse the more it’s indulged and better when he’s told to snap out of it and reminded to be grateful and to do his best. He’s bright like your son and overthinks things, secretly holds himself to impossibly high standards, is acutely conscious of the slightest injustice and if you give him a treat he’ll immediately start worrying about whether his sister got a better one. I have found he actually is often happiest when I’m really strict, when there aren’t treats and when I push him to do his best. He rises to it and becomes a much more positive child. It’s tough, he seems to need very different parenting from his two siblings who are more naturally positive and motivated despite being less naturally able.

I think there has to be more than talking about how lucky he is. A 9 year old cant really understand that kind of a concept by just being told. They have to experience it (withdrawal of things/experiences etc.) Or see it ( harder to do).

OP, you talk a lot about what he has, but none of that makes people happy. You don’t say much about what he does. Does he go out or meet up with all these friends? Does he do activities? Does he exercise? Lots of what you describe relates to him being a fairly passive recipient of all these goods and rewards, but does he strive for achievement in, for example, swimming, or dancing, or judo, or football, etc.? What activities do his friends do? Could he join them for a trial session? Does he ever have to work for anything? Exercise and achievement are two of the best mood moderators I can think of, and not only that, it relaxes them and tires them out in a good way. It also means they make friends outside of school and learn to work towards common goals.

My DD, who is also v anxious, can be a bit like this. What works for us is not thinking about things we should be grateful for (that always makes me want to bite someone!) but an evening ritual where each of us has to say three good things that happened today.
They can be big or small, and there can be more than three, but there is always something. Please note - it doesn’t have to be things that made you happy, just good things that happened.
I use it as a way to model different kinds of happiness for her - some of my things are about my joy in my children, but sometimes they’re things that we’re just for me. And sometimes I’m happy about good things that happened to other people.
I find it helps me escape from her negativity, and it takes the pressure off her to ‘be happy’.

I have a sibling like this (it continued into adulthood, nothing is good enough, moaned about their expensive honeymoon etc.) and they were spoilt as a child. We even had to do some of their GCSE coursework for them as kids as there was just no motivation to complete it or any fear of repercussions. My mum enabled it but is now disabled herself which my sibling has had major issues coping with (currently in therapy).

My 10yo had similar traits. He is our beloved Eeyore, with very little resilience. We've no answers, but we're trying these things:

• More exercise (he resists this a lot)
• Big Life Journal (he does with someone outside the family)
• Going back to snuggling and reading him a story on his own at bedtime (it had been a family story, and then he wanted to read alone).
• The Hidden Chimp book - just starting with both of us involved reading this with him.
• Making sure we do praise the good - this can be hard as often it comes after he's driven us mad. We have to be really aware too as he'll take any praise and turn it into a request in a way that seems really grasping.
• For us, praying for him, but I think any kind of meditation spending time thinking about and appreciating his good points and expressing fears about him simply would help. We get ourselves in knots and see the problems instead of the child, and this gives perspective and helps us find ways of giving him thoughtful compliments to build him up.

We'll add your evening ritual as well @Allfednonedead, thanks. We've tried the gratitude things round the table but not really made it work. Maybe seeing it more as a modelling exercise and not expecting much input from the kids at first is where we need to start.

There seems to be a long list here of objects he has and reasons why you think he should be happy.
Have you ever stopped to ask him what he wants?
Have you ever thought that being scolded/lectured/punished doesn't magically make gratitude and joy appear?
Is he lonely? Do you have fun together? Do you tell him you love him no matter what mood he's in?

Maybe he feels he has to perform happiness to satisfy you, but doesn't actually feel it because none of his actual needs are being met?

Sorry, that sounded more have-a-go-ey than I meant it, I just wanted to put a different perspective on it. Speaking as a former unhappy child who had lots of stuff but felt profoundly unwanted and unlovable.

You've been told he's anxious but seem to be looking for more than that. I think his anxiety is causing his unhappiness. There is no more to look for. I'm not getting any sense of his personality from your OP. There must be something he is passionate about.What makes him laugh?
I have a DC who struggles with anxiety. Like a PP, we do a gratitude journal where we write down 3 things we're happy for each day. (Sometimes it's more than 3 if he wants to add others).
He's tried different activities over the years and has found three which he loves. He also loves reading so we read together every day and regularly buy different formats - comics, books, newspapers - so it doesn't seem boring or a chore. He also loves mindfulness and attends a local class.
I think you may also have to accept that happiness for him looks different from happiness for you. Encourage friendships. Support him to cultivate his interests.
Demanding certain responses, never made anyone any happier.

It doesn’t sound like unhappiness to me. It sounds like he’s acting like a spoilt child. My ds was like this until 5 when we acknowledged it and started telling him off rather than pussyfooting around him not wanting to “upset” him. He’s got a lot better with his grumps and moans since we went zero tolerance on his spoilt behaviour. He’s now 8 and a much happier child all round.

You say he isn’t interested in things.

How is he with his X box?

Does that interest him.