Don't know how to help my unhappy child

[Snugglemonster84]

My son is 9 and is unhappy. He has a wonderful life, a room full of toys, TV, xbox, clothes, food, a lovely warm home, a loving family, gets taken on lots of fun days out, holidays, been to disneyworld last year and going again next year. He has lots of friends. Goes to a nice school. Is idolised by grandparents. Is allowed to play out. He has good health. Goes to cubs. He's not naughty so is rarely told off for anything. I'm a sahm. His dad works hard to provide for us.
But he is still unhappy and also extremely ungrateful, and openly tells me so. He is so negative about everything. Like the typical Kevin teenager. Is this normal at age 9?
Any advice on how best to deal with it? He doesn't want to join in with family stuff anymore. He doesn't want to go out places or even see grandparents which he adored. He moans about absolutely everything unless we are doing something that he wants to do. He has no motivation for anything. Will not put any effort in to his school homework, reading, art projects etc. He's really clever so where he should be academically but he doesn't try so could be doing alot better.
Should I just leave him be, or speak to him about it? Should he be allowed to speak to us in such a negative manner or should he be punished? I feel so sad and I worry about him that he seems so sad about life when he has the perfect life! (I know the x box will be suggested as a problem, he has limited time on it at weekends only).
He has also had 6 weeks of counselling with a child therapist, who has worked with on things like not making mountains out of molehills etc but it's had no effect.

I can't help OP but you just described my eldest.

He doesn't like anything, or anyone it seems (He is 12 but he's been this way for a few years, and he's always been a more 'difficult' child, right from the start) He is rarely happy and just wants to be on his pc. Then he gets the rage because we don't allow him to constantly be on his pc and he 'can't thing of anything else to do' . He hates family days out (always has actually) and all attempts at finding new and interesting things to do with him have failed.

I think this is mostly his nature. He is lifes 'victim' and blames everything on everyone else. He is privileged in many ways.
He is the polar opposite of our youngest who is lifes eternal optimist. He hates his brother and is vile to him.

I try to sit and chat with him once a day so he can talk about 'stuff'. The only thing we have in common is liking films, so we discuss that for a while. I take him (just him and me) to the cinema to see stuff we both like. I try and encourage him to draw, which he is quite good at, but he totally lacks confidence so won't do it because he 'knows it will be rubbish'.

If he has everything he wants- that's probably the issue. He sounds over-stimulated or spoilt. Perhaps stop showing him with gifts - until birthday or Christmas. Being appreciative of something only comes when one has had to work and wait for it.

Why are you talking about 'how lucky you are' in your words 'a lot'... He sounds like he's spoilt and has never had to earn or work for anything he's wanted, so gets no satisfaction out of it.

Genuinely, get him out digging in the garden to make his own flower or veg bed to look after, if you have a garden, or set him something to achieve so he feels some level of satisfaction with life. Even if it's step counts, how far he can run and how often, reading, drawing, whatever.

Material things don't give that level of satisfaction unless kids have truely worked a bit for them.

Watching with interest as my 8yo is like this and we have recently recognised that we have given him a lot of control in our family. I think this has basically been for a quiet life as he just grinds us down when we say no to him. We've realised that he draws us in to arguments that we are now trying to shut down early and break the cycle. I do think his need to control is anxiety based but we have not helped the situation by going along with all of his requests!

We put a great deal of expectation on children by wanting them to be happy, it’s impossible for it to be a constant state. It’s important for them to learn about all their emotions so they can regulate themselves.

I would concentrate on the basics of family life as pp’s have said, listening to each other and building a good dynamic where you parent him according to what he needs, not just what he wants.

I disagree that he is being spoilt. What I'm reading is a list of 'stuff' that you believe should bring him happiness. But I'm not seeing any explanation about how you interact emotionally with him.

What @herocomplex points out is very valid. People need to have outlets for all their emotions. It sounds like you're trying to make him happy, which is impossible. Your insistence that he should be grateful might feel dismissive to him, making him feel unheard.

You need to let go of your expectation for him to be happy. It is misleading you and will likely just cause him to withdraw further if he feels that he cannot express his emotions honestly in the one safe space he should have.

I wonder whether he's struggling with childhood Depression? You can have a perfect life but still struggle with Depression if your neurotransmitters are not in balance. It's a physical illness with a psychiatric presentation.

Psychiatric disorders, particularly anxiety disorders and depression, do often start in childhood and 8-12 is a common age bracket of onset in kids.

Children want and need boundaries to be happy. Stop letting him have so much control over the family and he'll feel less responsibility. He probably doesn't even realise himself what the problem is. When he doesn't do his homework, you need to put consequences in place. When he starts talking back and saying you make him angry, tell him it makes you angry and disappointed when he doesn't do his homework.

Giving children loads of attention and freedom and everything they want works great in the early years but when they're old enough to understand boundaries you need to put them in place before you end up with a fully grown teenager chucking your furniture around the place.

Try reading the incredible years for ideas.

Sounds difficult. My eldest Is 12 and does love a good moan, she can really moan and at times I’ve felt unsure what is more important, letting her vent or saying that she’s being spoilt type stuff.... I kind of do a bit of both....I did once ask her to look at some YouTube videos I’d looked up of kids living in poverty in the developing world and it actually did improve things. Also I try to really make sure we stay connected emotionally...getting into bed with her for a late night chat after lights out, she seems to really value that time....
At 9 they do want more autonomy, we seemed to sort of abandon big family days out around then, weekends tend to be all morning on iPads/tv then put them away till the next day, then perhaps a walk together, or playing out, or more time at home doing their own stuff, reading, drawing. Reading is great too, does your ds read much? keeps them totally absorbed, escapism, and often let’s them see how good their own lives are! We do library trips with minimum 4 books each to take home. Sorry don’t know if these things might help, another thing is that my dh is probably more fun than me and got us all into the habit of watching movies together and staying up far too late at times...i don’t mean just kids cartoon movies, like lately we watched the matrix, a year or two ago I remember dd being gripped by stand by me..... also movies set in the developing world where they can get a sense of how different places can be, two movies on Netflix that were excellent were ‘the boy who harnessed the wind’ and ‘queen of katwe’
Sorry I don’t know if this is helpful or not, listing films!!! but I hope things improve for you and your son.

Lack of aims. When everything is very stepford, the lack of need to fight for something can lead to this type of behaviour in pre pubescent stage. I'd suggest finding out a goal together and then letting him devise, on his own, an operation plan to get it. Examples can be a trip to somewhere, earning money to buy something or engaging in a new activity that really fires up his imagination. Essentially, give him something to fight for.

Does he exercise? How well does he eat? Honestly in his situation I think some of the trappings of his good life might be making his anxiety worse - if he gets everything handed to him on a plate at home, he will get stressed when he has to work hard to do well at school. I would suggest putting limits on the x-box / electronics / screen time - and when he’s rude remove them altogether for a specfic period

Thank you everyone for your comments, all very valid.
We are a very close family and I'd like to think we are very open with each other about things. He tells me lots about his day, friend's etc but he struggles to talk about emotions which is why he went to see a therapist. This did not help at all.

He flies off the handle easily, and he can say really horrible things . But also calms down quickly and then everything is forgotten for him.

The anxiety is definitely the root of him needed to control. We started to explain everything that will happen each day (and his teachers too). That worked for a while but now he just tells me he doesn't want to do the things I suggest.
I have a similar personality to him and so does my dad (his grandad) so I can see things from his point of view. But I know how rubbish it can be and I don't want him to be that way if I can help him. My dad gets no pleasure from anything at all.

He is very active and sporty. He plays in after school football, rugby, tennis etc but he's never picked for the teams as he does his own thing and doesn't follow the rules of the games. He goes to cub scouts which he seems to be enjoying. He has playdates and goes to his friends houses and sleepovers. He's good as gold with everyone else. People always comment on how happy he is and confident. The therapist and ourselves concluded that this is not the true him, it's just a mask

Following your suggestions I will do the journal with him and also writing down /discussing 3 things that have been good or made us happy that day. Thanks

I was just about to ask if there were other members of his family that he might be picking this attitude up from.... sounds like there are. Perhaps you feel that this outlook of his is inevitable because of your family history. But IMO this is more likely to be imitation than heredity.

I agree with PP saying that he needs boundaries and (dare I say it) punishments for "flying off the handle easily and saying really horrible things." That's not something that ought to be "all forgotten". To some extent he is spoilt, because it sounds like there are no consequences for his bad behaviour and every activity (even schoolwork) is considered optional for him.

Does he do chores? Does he have to help other people, e. g. by weeding the garden for granny or an elderly neighbour, as a favour? (The world is not all about him! He needs to do something unselfish for a change.) Does he have to do anything unpleasant or difficult or challenging? Does he do stuff where he has to practise and fail a bit before he can manage it? These are not punishments, by the way. They are ways of giving him a sense of achievement, of feeling useful, of feeling like he makes a difference. Like his life means something.

Oh sorry one more thing- get him to dry the dishes or wash the car! At nine they can start contributing a bit more to the housework, it’s good for them I think! I think perhaps he’s kind of moving towards that tweenie age bracket where they do need more stimulus and responsibility than the kind of wraparound social life/ home life where everything is done and organised for them.
Also, does he enjoy the sports he does? It sounds a bit demoralising to never be picked for the teams?

He will do the odd chore if asked, with much huffing and puffing. He never does anything nice for anyone else he even refuses now such things as writing cards for relatives. Won't stay in the room if another family member is opening birthday gifts for example.
We do punish, he will lose x box at the weekend. Or he will lose going out to play or not having any sweet treats or dessert that weekend (only have on a Sunday) but nothing seems to have an effect.
Like I say, he is never naughty, never has been, it's just this awful attitude he has

But the behaviour you're describing IS naughty. He's refusing to do what he's told. And he's spoiling others' enjoyment with his selfishness. How is this not naughty?!

I'm really sorry to be so ranty at you. But he is spoilt and needs to be told what to do and what not to do. And praised and (maybe) rewarded when he complies, and told off and punished when he doesn't comply. Make him do chores, regularly. Make him help other people. Make him behave politely. Make him do his schoolwork and homework properly. This isn't just the way to turn him into a decent human being, it's the way to turn him into a happy one.

'The anxiety is definitely the root of him needed to control.'

No, you've got it wrong. The need to control comes from the anxiety. The anxiety is building because he's behaving badly and you're not doing very much about it. Let him storm off and huff while someone's opening a present then say he's never naughty?! Give him a flea in his ear and ground him for a week!

Most of these children sound utterly miserable and crippled by fear of not being good enough - the advice to punish them for situations not of their making is astoundingly awful, as is the blatantly stated preference for siblings who find lie easier in many posts.

Bloody hell.

If a chil of 8 or 9 is spoilt or anxious or full of rage or utterly miserable this is pretty much never going to be the child's fault. Punishing the children who are struggling and openly preferring less complex siblings is fairly sadistic.

These children need structure and boundaries and less complex environments.

Don't give them piles of material shit then make them write thank you cards and hate them for being ungrateful. Stop pushing unwanted expensive days out on them then hating them for being ungrateful for things they don't want.

Simplify everything. Provide structure.

Do not expect a child to be grateful for being essentially overwhelmed with too many things, too much stimulation, far too many demands and expectations. Stop overwhelming them.

My friend's son is exactly the same. He’s spoilt. Spoilt in every way, the world revolves around his moods, wants and whims, even him being punished is a massive amount of explaining and attention.

He’s a bore to be around, to be blunt. He whines and groans about anything and everything, and despite everyone not wanting him to be spoilt, and explaining what’s not on about his behaviour etc etc etc, somehow he always gets his way in the end.

I don’t think having everything you could ever want is healthy for a child. Being “idolised” is absolutely nuts when you think about it, to be given everything you could ever want, and to be idolised by your family, it’s too much for anyone! Everyone should have things in their life that push them, their patience, their expectations, their desires etc shouldn’t be brushed aside for them by their parents constantly.

My children are only not like this because my DH and I both have spoilt siblings, and have made a conscious effort not to end up with similar children, plus there’s lots of them and we’re busy. We are gentle with our children, we explain things if there’s time, but I don’t ask them constantly what they want or what they want to do. I take their feelings into account, but don’t give them choices in every scenario. We could afford to give them lots more gifts and things than we do, but then they’d never develop any concentration skills or appreciate anything that they had.

I don’t think you need to be mean or tough to your son, but stop making him the centre of the universe, as you’re contributing to his unhappiness by giving him so much responsibility, especially giving him this concept of knowing how lucky he is. He doesn’t know and will never know because he’s never been without. Cut down some clubs, make him wait, serve dinners that he’s not keen on, tell him off when he’s rude and obnoxious, and chuck out the x-box and supply him with books if you want him to read. This whole thing of consoles being a weekend treat is great if they’re behaving beautifully and getting on with homework and stuff, but what does he need a treat for? Having had a fun week and doing as he pleases? Again, I’m not saying be mean and horrible, but just review your expectations of what a child should be given in order to be happy. He has had no comparison, he’s never lived in slums in Mumbai, or been a chimney sweep in 1800, he doesn’t know how good he’s got it, he needs real life examples.

Ok, whinging while doing chores, yes ds has done that.
I tend to get them to do chores in a big burst- I’ll write a list and everyone mucks in and ticks things off when they’re done, it makes it a bit more fun. But whinging whilst doing that would count as naughty. Also refusing to write a card for a relative when i am telling them to do that is naughty. you have said he is never naughty but attitude, whinging, tone of voice, disobedience over reasonable requests, he is actually being naughty a lot surely?
The thing with him not really caring about the Xbox being withdrawn- suggests that the Xbox is not really that much of a treat for him. And I have just checked with my kids on this- sorry if I’m wrong-on an Xbox you can’t access the internet and YouTube is that right? Does he have an iPad? I am sure I will be the person ever to say your son might benefit from internet access!!! But with the right controls in place, when you can keep an eye on what he’s doing it’s fun, there are some v daft cartoons that my lot love, so then you can ban the iPad when they’re naughty and it actually has an impact....

OP-Surely saying hurtful things and refusing to be in the room when someone opens a present are examples of "naughty" behaviour. What consequence does he receive for using unkind words?

When he says he doesn’t want to stay in the room while a relative opens gifts, that isn’t something to punish. That is just something that is told to him will happen. No negotiations on that at all surely?

Is he being bullied ?