To feel I need to leave my otherwise perfect DH?

[thegreatestgiftthatipossess]

Name changed

It has become clear to me that I am alone in this marriage. But I cannot find a single fault in my DH other than that he never has my back. We've been together for 9 years. In that time there have been a few incidences where I have felt utterly alone because he is unable to deal with confrontation from others and will put his own comfort above supporting me.

I do not generally have a lot of 'falling outs' with people, but over the years there have been a few. Firstly, my DB acted very aggressively towards me a few years ago. Because he has been violent to me in the past (strangled me when I was 24) I was terrified there would be a repeat. My DH sat there and said nothing. After the incident he said he agreed with me and was really angry at DB, but, "What am I supposed to do? He's my mate." This one nearly pushed me over the edge and I went into a deep depression. It's just words, he would never really defend me.

On another occasion, his parents shouted at me because of a decision that BOTH of us had made regarding my SEN DC and their education- spending an extra year in nursery. He did not defend me. It was actually all caused by him because he refused to tell them that our DC had been diagnosed with ASD. As they didn't have the full facts, they turned on me.

There has been another incident recently with someone spreading a lie about me because I confronted them about talking about me behind my back. My DH was angry with this person at first and fully supported me, and I thought, finally someone has my back, but after this person's family have been calling him, he has caved and said the confrontation has stressed him too much to support me anymore.

I should have realised I am on my own in this relationship. When we first got together, my housemate was stealing from me. This lead to a fallout and her boyfriend defended her (even though she admitted it and eventually brought my things back) but my DH (boyfriend at the time) was still polite and friendly to her! Even when she trashed my house when moving out.

I had an abusive childhood and always felt alone, that there was never anyone to help defend me. I thought that when I got married I'd never be alone again, but now I'm more alone than ever.

Other than this, he is the perfect husband, but if I stay I have to do it in the knowledge that he will never support me, no matter how difficult the situation is that I'm going through. I will always be on my own because he puts his needs before defending me.

WWYD?

Marriage is a team effort. You should be able to trust that he would be there for you no matter what.

This doesn't feel like a team. When the going gets tough, he's out and I have to manage difficult situations on my own. He isn't capable of standing up to other people. It's like he values their feelings or his own feelings above mine.

I don't know what to do. I know from previous experience that I will eventually recover and pull myself out of this depression. But to do that I have to hide away my hurt and forgive his inaction. Until the next time and then all the old hurt reappears.

I wish I knew what to say to him.

Feeling that no one has your back is a very lonely place.

Leave.
He's a chickenshit who is not very nice or supportive.

You are a team, a partnership and this sounds very one sided. If you don't feel you have that support to turn to and lean on then I think you have your answer. Have you spoken to him about it all?

I wish I knew what to say to him.

You could show him what you wrote above.

There's not a lot of point though. You'll always be waiting for the next time he leaves you high and dry.

Is your child his?

Yes, I'd leave. This is just as corrosive as any other behaviour which amounts to a betrayal. As you say he doesn't have your back. That's not a marriage. It's not a true partnership. Without that, you have nothing, really. As you say, you're on your own when it matters most.

Yeah I don’t think you would be even remotely unreasonable to leave. You sound completely unsupported and I couldn’t have respect for anyone who isn’t willing to stick their neck out for their family. No respect = no relationship. Leave and find someone worthy of you.

I was recently was in a long term relationship with a guy who was similar to this. He would agree with me and have my back when it was just us but really really struggled with confrontation. There were times where people were disrespectful towards me in public and making me feel uncomfortable and I could see how uncomfortable he was getting but he never said a word and let me deal with it myself. His parents were included in the list of people he would never stand up to.

Also meant I was the only person he felt comfortable enough to let down, which meant I was the person who always got the short end of the stick.

He was a nice guy, but he had massive self esteem and confidence issues. I don't think that makes him a bad person, but it definitely took its toll on me. He struggled with it too as he didn't want to be like that but found it hard to gain the confidence to change. We ended our relationship a few months back now. Nothing bad happened between us and I still think he's a nice guy but we went our separate ways.

It's really up to you how much is acceptable or not to you. I completely understand the feeling of knowing they won't have your back in a confrontational situation. My ex and I got on great in almost every other way, but I don't regret it ending. But I also wasn't married to him so I guess it was less to leave.

Have you spoken to him and been honest with how you're feeling? Wish you the best OP

It sounds obvious, but have you told him this is how you feel? I don't mean an argument in the moment, but a serious sit down to let him know that if you don't feel that he has your back, you can't continue in the relationship?

My DH also hates confrontation and there have been occasions when I have felt that he has sold me out for an easier life (particularly with his mother). It's something that we are working on together but I have had to make it crystal clear that I will not tolerate feeling alone when we are supposed to be a team.

If he is otherwise 'perfect' as you say, I would probably try to work on it together, being very clear on your feelings and the implications if he's not able to change.

How does he react to conflict when it's just him? Is he lacking in self confidence generally?

My first thought could be totally wrong but does your husband have asd diagnosed or not?
Maybe he struggles socially and instead of making the wrong decision he backs down.
Not defending him but if your children are asd it's not totally unlikely. But instead of assuming he doesn't support you when verbally in a 1to1 with you who he's comfortable with he does maybe there's an underlying issue.

He tried to talk about it last night, said the recent situation is stressing him out and he's very hurt (I'm not sure what this is about). I was too tearful to talk but relented and sat downstairs with him. Prior to that, we haven't spoken in a week.

I think because I actually spent some time in his company last night, he feels it's all over and done with now, but it's not because I'm still hurting. He's sent me messages today saying he loves me, but I just don't know what to say to him. I do love him. I never want to separate, but this will be a very long life of feeling that I'll never have someone fighting my corner.

When my DB was acting aggressive, his GF was standing there shouting at me and egging him on. What message does it send that my DH can't even step in to say, "Don't speak to my wife like that"?

I never expect him to agree with everything I say or do, but if someone was being unfairly treated, surely you'd speak up for them even if you didn't agree with them? As it is, he always says he agrees with me behind closed doors.

So sorry for what you’re going through OP. Felt similar to you in my last relationship. 10 years of feeling alone (whenever the sh*t hit the fan, mainly with abusive family members) got too much. He was a lovely, gentle person, just hated confrontation and wouldn’t stick up for me except in private.

When your family are abusive, facing inevitable confrontation alone is tough. For me it felt like a “fair weather” relationship. I tried sticking up for myself more, as could see that expecting a man to protect me from the alphas /enablers might be outdated. It didn’t really work though - as others could see it was a ‘weak spot’ and exploited it, claiming he must agree with them as he wasn’t (obviously) backing me!!

Ultimately, I left. No regrets. New DP has my back, without being controlling. I value his honesty. He’s not aggro with anyone, but will tell people (particularly my abusive family) to F off when necessary. You deserve some solidarity.

Sadly he isn’t perfect. He is unable to support his wife and has allowed you to plummet into depression after failing to support you and made no attempts to support you since. You may find your in a happier place if you separate. You need to be honest with him, you can’t try and talk then don’t. You might find it easier to email him or text but you need to tell him your considering leaving him. This will surely trigger a conversation.

He's simply a coward.

What I should also have mentioned, is that I'm 38 weeks pregnant. This is such a vulnerable time to be feeling unsupported. If I stay I'm alone, if I leave I'm alone.

Some of you have worded what I'm feeling in a better way than I have, so thank you, it is helping.

He sounds far from perfect. In fact he sounds like he’s scared of offending anyone and everyone but you. I could never be with someone I did t trust to support me, hell my DH has my back even when we BOTH know I’m in the wrong. After the fact he might say that was out of order it you were in the wrong but he would never leave me to deal with shit from anyone. But that’s what partners are supposed to do. I feel for you OP I really do, but he needs to grow a pair and start defending you.

I felt quite sad reading this op, you don’t actually trust him to defend or support you and that’s a terrible way to live, no wonder you get depressed. It should come naturally if you care about someone, to feel safe and supported is a massive part of a relationship isn’t it ?

And I’ve cross posted so I’ve now just seen you are heavily pregnant. Sit him down, tell him your offended/disappointed/disgusted by his lack of protective instincts. And when your DCs are older will he back down from them too?

I am wondering why you still have contact with your family?
They seem aggressive and unpleasant at a minimum.
It seems in picking your DH you over compensated for that and picked someone incapable of managing conflict at all.
He sounds in dire need of the assertiveness training that used to be so popular.
It is also concerning that you have just spent a week not talking to each other.

My dad is exactly the same to my mum. I don't know what to say- other than what pps said about showing him this. If he really is perfect then perhaps counselling would help? Maybe he is genuinely afraid and goes into flight/freeze mode..

OHhhhhh.
I was going to say "Leave him, it's better to be truly alone than alone in a relationship" and then I saw that you're about to have another baby.

Bugger.

Well now is not the time to be making big decisions like this BUT I do think you still need to either get him to stand up for you (which he might do once the baby arrives) OR decide that you will leave as soon as you're able to and have everything in place to do so.

Abusive childhood and brother suggests that your own family aren't worth much to you, so you can't go there...

I'm so sorry for your situation - but you either become self-sufficient within your relationship, knowing that you can't rely on him ever to help you out; or you have to leave him and allow yourself the possibility that there would be someone else out there who would be the partner that you would like, who would have your back and be there for you when needed.

@dreichsky I think the week of not talking was my fault really. I moved his things in DCs room and didn't cook for anyone other than DC. Not as a punishment or anything, I've just been too down to eat properly (which I know is bad when you're pregnant). He probably thought it best just to leave me alone for a while. Or maybe he's annoyed with me, I don't know it's hard to guess what he's feeling.

But it has been pretty lonely sitting on my own wondering what the hell im going to do if I go into labour and we're not talking.

You don’t need a reason to leave.

I would have the baby, recover and then make a stand. Your DH needs assertiveness training and then he needs to use it. If he won't, you leave. If nothing else, think of what your DC will learn about relationships from this jellyfish of a man.