To feel I need to leave my otherwise perfect DH?

[thegreatestgiftthatipossess]

Name changed

It has become clear to me that I am alone in this marriage. But I cannot find a single fault in my DH other than that he never has my back. We've been together for 9 years. In that time there have been a few incidences where I have felt utterly alone because he is unable to deal with confrontation from others and will put his own comfort above supporting me.

I do not generally have a lot of 'falling outs' with people, but over the years there have been a few. Firstly, my DB acted very aggressively towards me a few years ago. Because he has been violent to me in the past (strangled me when I was 24) I was terrified there would be a repeat. My DH sat there and said nothing. After the incident he said he agreed with me and was really angry at DB, but, "What am I supposed to do? He's my mate." This one nearly pushed me over the edge and I went into a deep depression. It's just words, he would never really defend me.

On another occasion, his parents shouted at me because of a decision that BOTH of us had made regarding my SEN DC and their education- spending an extra year in nursery. He did not defend me. It was actually all caused by him because he refused to tell them that our DC had been diagnosed with ASD. As they didn't have the full facts, they turned on me.

There has been another incident recently with someone spreading a lie about me because I confronted them about talking about me behind my back. My DH was angry with this person at first and fully supported me, and I thought, finally someone has my back, but after this person's family have been calling him, he has caved and said the confrontation has stressed him too much to support me anymore.

I should have realised I am on my own in this relationship. When we first got together, my housemate was stealing from me. This lead to a fallout and her boyfriend defended her (even though she admitted it and eventually brought my things back) but my DH (boyfriend at the time) was still polite and friendly to her! Even when she trashed my house when moving out.

I had an abusive childhood and always felt alone, that there was never anyone to help defend me. I thought that when I got married I'd never be alone again, but now I'm more alone than ever.

Other than this, he is the perfect husband, but if I stay I have to do it in the knowledge that he will never support me, no matter how difficult the situation is that I'm going through. I will always be on my own because he puts his needs before defending me.

WWYD?

Why was it his job to tell your parents that your son has ASD? I’m very confused.
Is there a reason you still see your brother after him strangling you? Wouldn’t a protection order be more suitable? Along with a conviction?
Your parents scream at you for making the decision to keep an sn child in nursery? Why are you still in contact? Were you brought up thriving on yelling screaming and constant emotional drama? It isn’t normal. I can’t imagine a situation where this would be normal.
The gal chatting shit? I can’t imagine what possessed you to go wading in and confront her and trigger yet another drama.
I hope it all goes well and you manage to get some help to figure out what is going on with your relationships. Lots of people who have difficult or traumatic childhoods put adult relationships under huge amounts of stress as they seek proof of being loved/ valued. The need for constant validation often destroys the relationships they are trying to test, leading them erroneously to claim that they were right all along and the other party didn’t really care/ was at fault. The actual issue is often the person testing the relationship until it breaks under the strain, but that level of self-awareness is rarely possible.

OK, OP, here's a different spin on it. Tell us exactly what makes him so perfect in every other way. Give us a more balanced view of him.

My initial reaction is to say that it's not worth staying if he won't support you because who knows when you might really need someone to help you out - if you got ill for example and doctors weren't giving you the right care, or if your vulnerable child needed someone to stand up for them.

However, you're saying it's just 4 instances in 9 years but he's otherwise perfect.....explain why he's so amazing. Maybe he is, and maybe you're just focussing on the shitty bit and it's overtaken everything else in your mind because you're hormonal and upset right now.

But.....Listening to what you're saying, there's other red flags - he left you alone for a week while you were heavily pregnant and didn't give a shit that you weren't eating. That's absolutely piss-poor.

Also, I have to say that there are many things you've said which scream ASD. As you know, there's a strong genetic component. My son is ASD and a beautiful, gentle little soul. The very black and white thinking you're describing and avoidant behaviour sounds very ASD to me. It really might be worth exploring....

I don’t think you can make any major decisions at this point in your pregnancy or for another few months when things are hard with the baby. You do need to tell him how you feel though and a week of you not talking to each other doesn’t sound healthy. What are you plans for the birth?

I do find it baffling that you’re still in contact with your brother after he tried to strangle you. Why on earth are you still having visits especially if he’s aggressive and his girlfriend sounds vile too?

Why was it his job to tell your parents that your son has ASD?

HIS parents.

Your parents scream at you for making the decision to keep an sn child in nursery?

HIS parents.

Her brother appears to be her DH's friend, going by DH saying "What am I supposed to do, he's my mate?"

I mean, the fact that he's friends with OP's brother, knowing that he strangled OP, is out of order.

It depends on whether he's capable and could do it if he chose to, or whether he's incapable of confrontation.
The first would be a definite leave. The second I think needs some assertiveness courses or at three very least a commitment to do some reading on the subject. Depends on whether he sees the need to change to save your marriage.

Either way give him a chance to change his ways by telling him frankly that this is a deal breaker. You aren't in a position to leave right now with a newborn so take this time to see whether he can change.