To feel I need to leave my otherwise perfect DH?

[thegreatestgiftthatipossess]

Name changed

It has become clear to me that I am alone in this marriage. But I cannot find a single fault in my DH other than that he never has my back. We've been together for 9 years. In that time there have been a few incidences where I have felt utterly alone because he is unable to deal with confrontation from others and will put his own comfort above supporting me.

I do not generally have a lot of 'falling outs' with people, but over the years there have been a few. Firstly, my DB acted very aggressively towards me a few years ago. Because he has been violent to me in the past (strangled me when I was 24) I was terrified there would be a repeat. My DH sat there and said nothing. After the incident he said he agreed with me and was really angry at DB, but, "What am I supposed to do? He's my mate." This one nearly pushed me over the edge and I went into a deep depression. It's just words, he would never really defend me.

On another occasion, his parents shouted at me because of a decision that BOTH of us had made regarding my SEN DC and their education- spending an extra year in nursery. He did not defend me. It was actually all caused by him because he refused to tell them that our DC had been diagnosed with ASD. As they didn't have the full facts, they turned on me.

There has been another incident recently with someone spreading a lie about me because I confronted them about talking about me behind my back. My DH was angry with this person at first and fully supported me, and I thought, finally someone has my back, but after this person's family have been calling him, he has caved and said the confrontation has stressed him too much to support me anymore.

I should have realised I am on my own in this relationship. When we first got together, my housemate was stealing from me. This lead to a fallout and her boyfriend defended her (even though she admitted it and eventually brought my things back) but my DH (boyfriend at the time) was still polite and friendly to her! Even when she trashed my house when moving out.

I had an abusive childhood and always felt alone, that there was never anyone to help defend me. I thought that when I got married I'd never be alone again, but now I'm more alone than ever.

Other than this, he is the perfect husband, but if I stay I have to do it in the knowledge that he will never support me, no matter how difficult the situation is that I'm going through. I will always be on my own because he puts his needs before defending me.

WWYD?

If I stay I'm alone, if I leave I'm alone.
The difference is that if you leave, you will not get hurt by the fact he should be hvaing your back and doesnt. And you will be under much less stress than you are under atm. So they are not the same thing.

Fwiw, the issue woth your blood sugar is probably due to stress. stress releases cortisl which then raises blood sugar (to escape 'the tiger'). I would have a word with your MW about ats happening at home atm. You need support and the only way you can get it is by talking to people about it in RL.

YANBU

He does not sound like a suitable man for you

Your family need to foxtrot oscar

I get what you're saying, OP, your DP sounds like he can't bear to be unpopular and doesn't appreciate the impact for you when he effectively throws you under the bus.

Three years is a long time to let these feelings brew, especially as you are now pregnant and all hormoney. Do sit him down calmly tonight and tell him exactly what the problem is. If he doesn't seem willing to listen, suggest counselling. He needs to hear you.

@thegreatestgiftthatipossess, I would suggest you have some counselling for yourself.
I know you are saying the best is to just accept his limitations. BUT when those limitations are making you frightened (like with your DB) or hurt (like with his parents), the result is still a very deep hurt, regardless of whether its just 'who he is, with his own limitations'

Ive had a similar issue with DH. Some serious hurt on my side (and yes feeling alone etc...) but I put it down to him not being able to do x and y. His limitations that I had to accept (like he needed to accept my own limitations).
I regret going down that route tbh because the reult was me getting more and more hurt in the process and my self esteem being down the drain (like you ended up being depressed). And I dint think anymore that 'love' and a marriage is worth that level of sacrifices. You need to look after yourself first and foremost. And putting yourself in a position where you will get hurt (because you KNOW he wont change) isnt smart regardless of the reason why you want to do that (as I said been there, done that... Love and marriage is so important. dcs are little, cant cope on my own etc etc)

@thegreatestgiftthatipossess it is hard. Especially given that the consequences of his inaction in this situation will be entirely mine to bear. Do you think your dh would go to couples counselling? I’m
99% sure mine wouldn’t, he doesn’t talk about emotions or feelings.

You cannot carry on like this. Being with someone who never sticks up for you is heartbreaking. The sooner you get sorted out and split the better. Other people may say to try to work through the issue, but someone like this just never changes! Don’t be like me and think you have to stay for the children’s benefit. I was the idiot who ignored the warning signs and married a man who has never stood up for me. I had nowhere to go when I realised that this would never change.

Please don’t be like me. You won’t be happy and someday you will think ‘why did I put up with it’ and you will realise that time and that chance of happiness has passed you by.

OP earlier someone mentioned about not having your children's backs. My STBExH was like this, very much so (although he had no other redeeming qualities either) - if there was an argument - e.g., with the neighbours - he'd say it was my fault for not backing down -his first line of defence is roll over, sod the consequences. So twice we've had serious issues around the children, once with a neighbour and once with our childminder; the latter was reported to police and social services and could no longer be our childminder. H would never speak anyone, or say hang on you've done x y z to our child, I'm talking when they were small too - he never lost a wink of sleep over it, other than to say it was very inconvenient.

I think you've got long term problems coming up here - were seeing Relate when I was 35 weeks pregnant with DD2 and it just went downhill from there - I stupidly stayed and lived to regret it. Did you say you don't have any support at all in RL? Is any of your family on your team?

I had an abusive childhood and always felt alone, that there was never anyone to help defend me. I thought that when I got married I'd never be alone again, but now I'm more alone than ever.

This jumped out at me from your first post. I think if you get therapy for your childhood, everything else will fall into place. You may be projecting some stuff or feeling extra wounded by behaviour that other people would shrug off. I also wouldn't leave at 38 weeks pregnant as you may feel differently in some weeks so give it time as this is a long standing issue.
Lastly, I'm really sorry for wheeling out this old MN cliche, but is it possible that your husband may have ASD? You mentioned your DC has been diagnosed with it. Just because, the chaps I know with ASD are SO conflict-avoidant it's crazy - even when doing so means hurting people they love.

as in my world an emotional problem isn't even a real problem.) This always confuses me, as my gut reaction is that being an adult equals not needing anyone else

Man, I thought I had hard thoughts seriously it's a shame that you've had to learn that, because there will come a point where you will need someone and asking or accepting help is hard when you've done it alone since young.

We all should have a partner who has our back. It helps us feel secure. It rumbles on fine until a crisis happens and the weaker partner just lets the stronger have their energy zapped and expects things to go on as normal. It's upsetting.

OP it sounds as if you could do with some sort of assertiveness training to start to boost you self esteem. You'll have clear boundaries on what you're willing to accept from people if you can sort that out. Good luck.

I agree to get counselling for yourself OP; if you need to stay whilst you make a plan to leave. I talked to Relate alone one day, had a telephone session specifically aimed at people deciding to separate, to ask if I was missing something I could or should do to resolve my situation and they said no, LTB. (well, they didn't call him a bastard).

Doesn't even have to be marriage related counselling, that was just a suggestion, but definitely get a therapist and say this is it - this is my life, this how I got here, this is where I am, what do I do now?

I just want to say that you're not weak at all!!! You have come a long way and sometimes all you need is to see yourself as a person who has achieved something in your life. You had a bad childhood, you made out of it. You had negative family members, you distance yourself from them. You married a loving DH but not too confident of himself and had beautiful DC together, all along feeling alone in this marriage. You have been amazing and strong. You are now pregnant still going strong and wanting to give your marriage a try and have it work.
OP, give yourself some credit and take control over your life. Distance yourself from gossipy bitchy friends. You don't need that. Of course have real friends who you can rely on who can give you some good advice when you need it.

Your DH and you both need to work on your self-esteem. You both need to look out for each other. I am sure there may be a few incidents in his life where he may have felt utterly alone himself, thought you would back him up but maybe you didn't because of your own self-esteem and depression issues? What I am trying to say is, you both need to assure each other that you will be there and will stick up each other. Marriage involves two people. It is not all about you and vice versa. I hope you both communicate with each other about your own insecurities and low self-esteem/low confidence issues and try help each other out in situations.
I wish you good luck!

The need to feel defended is a strong one that at least you are able to recognise and can discuss with your DH.
But even if your DH had done something at the time to defend you it would not have stopped the hurt you would feel from those people who have shouted at you, been aggressive or have wronged you.
Those types of people probably may not accept they are wrong and that is more of an issue than your DH being able to defend you. The fact that there are people who do horrible things in the world even if they are family is hard to live with.
Your DH will need to be able to stand up for his children.
Whether thats cutting toxic people out of your life. Or setting boundaries.
Your DH should practice how to deal with confrontation.
If you can then I suggest finding a way to make yourself feel empowered over what has happened to you. Whether thats having therapy or telling someone your story without being judged. Or if it's something that could have been reported to the police and you are ready to do that. Or at least discuss that with your DH to see if he stands by your side.

It sounds like he was trained - browbeaten (or even beaten) - by his parents into never arguing back.

DP can't argue. He just can't do it - he loses the ability to speak. He told about one time he had been screamed at by his ex and banished to the spare room because he didn't go storming to her defence 'like a man', he couldn't speak to her for over a month - every time he wanted to say something, she'd snap at him before he even opened his mouth, and he'd lose the words before they came out.

She wanted the safety of a gentle, kind man who would never shout at or hurt her at first, but then decided after she got that she wanted the excitement of an angry, shouting, potentially violent man. Presumably it wasn't that much fun being able to intimidate a man after a few years of doing it.

She left him, went through a series of Alpha male arseholes boyfriends that cheated, were violent or otherwise abused or controlled her and finally settled for the perfect 6'2" macho man with a beard, tattoos, a fuckton of money and a big house.

Are you absolutely certain that you aren't confusing 'Got my back' with 'Is scary and violent towards other people for me'?

There is a middle ground between Alpha male, and wet lettuce! Having someone's back, means speaking up in solidarity, not charging in, fists waving. That's what OP and most people want and need.

I left a man for doing this. Yes, he was lovely in other respects. But he was also lovely to other people at my expense - a total approval whore. I couldn’t stand it.

I am so tired of people suggesting that an abusive, selfish man has an ASD.

People with ASD can be experienced as abusive.

Even if they have ASD, their partner is still being hurt.

If a dog bites you, it doesn’t matter why he has bitten you - you are still bleeding.

I understand that the partner in this case isn’t being abusive by the way.

Easy to love someone while everything's going well and life is plain sailing. Being there for them when the chips are down, when you need to make a few sacrifices and push yourself out of your comfort zone is sustainable, enduring love. It sounds like you're already worried that he won't do the right thing as far as your children are concerned and you will struggle to as well if your wasting your energy being disappointed in him. He needs to acknowledge the problem and either shape up or ship out.

I don't know OP, this has been an issue four times in a nine year marriage - that sounds pretty good to me. And he is otherwise perfect. I'm sure you've done four things to piss him off in that time. One mistake every two years on average seems reasonable.

On the actual issue, it's tough to say because we weren't there obviously. But I think it's usually best for bystanders to keep quiet and not inflame the situation - just changing the subject or saying "let's all calm down". Rather than jumping up Jerry Springer style and yelling "Don't you talk to my wife like that!". If there is danger, it's best to all leave, not confront the person in turn. The situation with his parents would be an exception because they are his parents.

Also being in a confrontation like that with someone is surely a rare thing, so you may never be in this situation again. I've probably had one confrontation in my whole life, and my DH wasn't there. Why do you think this will be happening again any time soon?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, you are an adult and should fight your own battles. Do you stand up for him? Does he ask or expect you to? I would be pretty pissed off tbh if my oh interfered. Not talking for a week is childish, cruel and unkind. I was raised in a v abusive family and my mother was like your oh and I never once blamed her for situations outside her control.

I'm attaching a link to another mn thread, which you might find enlightening. I agree with 1, not blaming autism for all bad behaviour, but also, 2- even if your partner is autistic, that is not an excuse for ignoring your feelings. No one should be forced to be what they're not, but if toy are able to form a relationship, and it is causing a loved one pain, they need to work on changing that behaviour. other thread

This issue is yours. It’s to do with your childhood. It’s not about him really. It’s really about you, your sensitivity, your vulnerability. You need to have your own resilience in life. It’s not someone else’s job to prop you up.
Maybe therapy would help?

Could this be passive aggressive behaviour? He chooses not to respond as a way of not meeting your needs. It is a very effective way of invalidating you.

You mention he has low empathy for others, not responding also shows lack of empathy. Passive aggressive, no empathy or conflict avoidance are not healthy emotional responses so your feelings of depression are very understandable.

It is very confusing when you have an outwardly "perfect" husband but within your relationship you feel invalidated and alone.

If you have asked him to respond and he doesn't then he is either incapable or doesn't want to.

What was his childhood like?

What makes you say he is ‘otherwise perfect?’

But I cannot find a single fault in my DH other than that he never has my back.

That is absolutely key to any relationship, but a marriage especially. If someone doesn’t back you up when it matters, or even defend you when you feel threatened, it’s hard to know why he is even there. It just doesn’t make sense.

If you care about someone, yourself, surely you care whether they are happy or afraid? Not many would say, hey, not my problem, I’ll catch you later when you’ve got over it

This thread belongs in relationships, but to me yanbu.

My dad is non confrontational. He'd happily stand by and see me abused without saying anything. Have the baby first, leave later. He won't be safe for your child, if a sexual predator comes along he will happily leave them alone with your child. It's extremely selfish behaviour and very, very dangerous.