To feel I need to leave my otherwise perfect DH?

[thegreatestgiftthatipossess]

Name changed

It has become clear to me that I am alone in this marriage. But I cannot find a single fault in my DH other than that he never has my back. We've been together for 9 years. In that time there have been a few incidences where I have felt utterly alone because he is unable to deal with confrontation from others and will put his own comfort above supporting me.

I do not generally have a lot of 'falling outs' with people, but over the years there have been a few. Firstly, my DB acted very aggressively towards me a few years ago. Because he has been violent to me in the past (strangled me when I was 24) I was terrified there would be a repeat. My DH sat there and said nothing. After the incident he said he agreed with me and was really angry at DB, but, "What am I supposed to do? He's my mate." This one nearly pushed me over the edge and I went into a deep depression. It's just words, he would never really defend me.

On another occasion, his parents shouted at me because of a decision that BOTH of us had made regarding my SEN DC and their education- spending an extra year in nursery. He did not defend me. It was actually all caused by him because he refused to tell them that our DC had been diagnosed with ASD. As they didn't have the full facts, they turned on me.

There has been another incident recently with someone spreading a lie about me because I confronted them about talking about me behind my back. My DH was angry with this person at first and fully supported me, and I thought, finally someone has my back, but after this person's family have been calling him, he has caved and said the confrontation has stressed him too much to support me anymore.

I should have realised I am on my own in this relationship. When we first got together, my housemate was stealing from me. This lead to a fallout and her boyfriend defended her (even though she admitted it and eventually brought my things back) but my DH (boyfriend at the time) was still polite and friendly to her! Even when she trashed my house when moving out.

I had an abusive childhood and always felt alone, that there was never anyone to help defend me. I thought that when I got married I'd never be alone again, but now I'm more alone than ever.

Other than this, he is the perfect husband, but if I stay I have to do it in the knowledge that he will never support me, no matter how difficult the situation is that I'm going through. I will always be on my own because he puts his needs before defending me.

WWYD?

Yes I would hang onto your own words
otherwise perfect

That is huge if he is otherwise perfect. Hang on to him.

Does he have asd too?

If yes then there are loads of books than can help you with situations like these, there is even a workbook you can get.

I am asking because I know a few women that discovered their husband also has asd once their child was diagnosed. It explained a lot. It's not an easy road if this is the case, but it might help you reframe what he is doing as not being able to cope rather than hurting you.

You seem to have an awful lot of situations where you expect your H to come to your defence because other people are being mean or 'disrespectful' to you, though. I tend to be suspicious of people who are always whining and crying that others have mistreated them - if everyone you meet is unkind to you or 'lets you down' then it's quite possibly the case that the problem is you.
Do you react to every disagreement with stamping, bellowing, long-term sulks or demands that everyone takes your side, by any chance? Do you become punitive whenever someone tries to point out, however gently, that you are being a twat or that you have inaccurate information or that, frankly, there's a situation which is not all about you?

I don't think you have any understanding of what it is to feel truly vulnerable

It's not that I don't understand, it's just that I lost any expectation that anyone else would regard my problems as their problems. But I know I'm unreasonable to feel that's the natural order of things.

Firstly, you won’t give yourself GD by not eating. Watch your ‘hidden sugars’ (bread, potatoes, rice, milk) as well as the obvious ones.

As for your situation. Until you posted that you were pregnant I was going to say to leave. To me, the whole point in being in a marriage is that you’ve found that person who has your back and you have theirs. So you don’t feel alone. It seems a bit pointless otherwise- I can put my own bins out!

If you feel you could leave now then you can, pregnant or not, but if you don’t then tell him clearly and firmly how you feel (plenty of suggestions on here how to do that) and tell him it’s a deal breaker if he doesn’t change because you feel unsupported, unloved and alone and you don’t intend to spend the rest of your life feeling like that

Try to enjoy the end of your pregnancy and your newborn & deal with it in a couple of months if nothing has changed 🌷

@ReanimatedSGB ive listed a total of 4 incidences in 9 years? No I'm really not the person you're trying to make me out to be.

It's not realistic to leave when you're pregnant. Try and work it out with him.

Don’t ‘hang on’ to someone who is ‘otherwise perfect’.

Being emotionally unsupported and feeling lonely is crap in a marriage - why would anyone suggest you should be grateful for him putting the buns out or whatever?

There is no ‘otherwise perfect’ when your DH doesn’t have your back

Just following on from my post, if he does have asd then you will have to have someone else that 'has your back' because he wont. Have you a sister or friend that you can rely on if there is an emergency? Let them be your person that has your back.
Your husband is not that person, but can still be a good husband and father, he just can't cope with these situations. I would definitely agree an the counselling also.
I know with impending labour, you must be really hoping that you can rely on someone, and its quite frightening to think that you are stuck with this guy who dissolves in an emergency, but you will have to sort a plan out, or give it to him in written bullet points what you need to happen when you have the baby. Best wishes to you.

I'd struggle to be in a relationship with someone like this... marriage should be a team, he should be the one person, above anyone else, that you should be able to rely on.

I think I'd grin and bear it until the baby is born and then leave.

You'll be surprised at how much better you feel only having yourself to rely on once you've left. It sounds odd but knowing it's only you is fine, but being with someone and knowing it's only you is soul destroying

@3luckystars I don't think he has ASD. He's a very gentle soul. Has quite high self esteem, but isn't very confident when it comes to confrontation. He doesn't really seem to care too much about others though. I.e. wouldn't offer emotional support to a friend who has gone through a break up for example. He'd expect them to be over it fairly quickly.

OP this sounds really tough for you. And if it is to the point where you don't want to be with him then obviously that is your prerogative.

However you did marry the guy, why did you marry him bearing in mind this is such a big deal to you and he already had form for this behaviour? He hasn't changed and you want to break up the marriage because he is the same person he was 10 years ago? That's all fine of course and you can't go back in time but it does seem strange to get married under those circumstances.

He will also be struggling with this. Even more so after his family is torn apart due to his insecurities.

It's also possible that your pregnancy is making it seem a bigger deal, after all you are extra vulnerable as you've mentioned.

Personally I feel that through proper therapy he can overcome his fears, I don't know if couples therapy would be appropriate or not but he can definitely get help. As his wife I personally believe that you should stick by him and support him through this if he is willing but what's important is your opinion and both of your actions.

Good luck with it.

@3luckystars I don't think he has ASD.

This was also something I had wondered. I've stopped mentioning ASD so much on this kind of post but his behaviour screams of it. Armchair diagnosis does no one any favours though. Worth checking and certainly worth trying better to understand him.

Pettycontractor What a load of garbage! Needing emotional support is a valid need that normal humans have! You need psychotherapy

So sorry you're going through this OP.
I've always liked the saying "It's better to be alone, than to feel like you are".
It is a horrible feeling that your partner won't stick up for you. Your partner should have your back, it's a bare minimum.
I doubt it will get better with him OP.
If you feel that there is any hope of saving the relationship, please go to couples counselling. This is an issue that will never go away, it will build resentment, unless you deal with it and things change. In any event, even if you end up separating, counselling should help the parting be slightly less painful. Good luck OP.

So, you're 38 weeks pregnant and yet he's the one saying he's stressed at this latest situation with your friend?

I'm going to go with the suggestion of writing a message outlining how I feel and then he can have some time to digest it before we talk later.
I don't think it will change anything, but at least he will understand if anything ever comes up again in the future. The problem with having a child with SEN is that things do come up and you regularly have to fight for something, whether that be changing people's misconceptions or getting your child access to the support you need.
And I guess I will accept that he has his limitations and I've just got to rely on myself. It's a bit rubbish when you've always had to do that, I finally thought my time had come! But I've managed so far, so I will continue to.

Have you very bluntly and explicitly told him how you feel? And that it is causing you to think about splitting up?

It sounds as though you are trying to get him to see how you are feeling by your actions, rather than directly facing him with it. In a sense you are both avoiding confrontation.

@Myimaginaryfamiliarhasfleas I did back in 2016 when I had the incident with DB. In all honesty I haven't said very much this time, but I intend to say it all tonight. It won't change him, but it will perhaps release some of my feelings. I know I can't go into labour feeling like this, so maybe that's the best I can aim for really.

OP I could be you. My DH has always been the same. Up to now there’s never been a situation that I haven’t been able to manage myself so it’s never been more than an irritation but I recently asked him to have my back in a situation with his parents and he promised he would. When it came to the crunch his actual words were “don’t look at me” and exactly what I didn’t want to happen has happened. (Not drip feeding but it’s massively outing and I don’t want to derail the OP’s thread)

I feel so alone. I feel like the 15 years we have together weren’t enough for him to support me over this one thing. I feel like I don’t want to be in a team that isn’t actually a team. I’m not sure I can forgive him but I also feel ridiculous breaking up my marriage over one thing. So I have absolutely nothing constructive to offer but I totally understand why this one thing is such a dealbreaker for you.

If there are only 3 events in your marriage where he won’t publicly support you, personally that’s seems not too bad. Not everyone deals with confrontation like you - you sound quite bold. I don’t think it means LTB. There are lots of other, much more common, upsetting traits in humans!

@crazypuglady 
It is hard. Especially when some of the situations have come about because of a joint decision you've made together, and then they just sit there as if it's absolutely nothing to do with them.

Will he be there for his kids ...if he isn't then he's not cut out to be a husband or a father .
If he is there for his kids , will you be even more hurt that he isn't there for you ?

it’s totally understandable that you want your partner to have your back, and at 38 weeks pregnant you’ll be feeling particularly vulnerable. Setting your feelings out in a message sounds sensible then you can discuss calmly. There isn’t really time to get deep into it with the baby coming as you’ll be so it’s with that. Can you have your chat now and agree to have some couple therapy in, say 6-12 months when life with baby is marginally less all consuming? Don’t even think about leaving him at the moment. It’s just not the time for that sort of upheaval. Really good luck with everything and watch out for the crazy hormones post birth. I cried for days! But not everyone does and am just flagging in case you feel really sad again and tempted to jack it all in again. Park it until things are a bit more stable. Good luck and enjoy your lovely baby :)

Bold! That's a new one. I'd love to be considered a confident person.
A friend of mine recently told me it's because I have no boundaries and expectations about being treated with respect. Because my self esteem is so low I tend to have people in my life who feed off of that and don't treat me in the same way as others. Hence why this latest person has started gossiping about me for absolutely no reason, we've not had a falling out or anything. In fact, I hardly ever see this person and assumed we were friendly with each other. I think having a horrible childhood can make you a bit 'broken' and perhaps seemingly weak and a bit of a magnet for certain personality types. I do trust too much and ignore my first instincts, I know that for sure.
My New Years resolution is to trust my instincts more and keep my distance from certain types of people.