To feel I need to leave my otherwise perfect DH?

[thegreatestgiftthatipossess]

Name changed

It has become clear to me that I am alone in this marriage. But I cannot find a single fault in my DH other than that he never has my back. We've been together for 9 years. In that time there have been a few incidences where I have felt utterly alone because he is unable to deal with confrontation from others and will put his own comfort above supporting me.

I do not generally have a lot of 'falling outs' with people, but over the years there have been a few. Firstly, my DB acted very aggressively towards me a few years ago. Because he has been violent to me in the past (strangled me when I was 24) I was terrified there would be a repeat. My DH sat there and said nothing. After the incident he said he agreed with me and was really angry at DB, but, "What am I supposed to do? He's my mate." This one nearly pushed me over the edge and I went into a deep depression. It's just words, he would never really defend me.

On another occasion, his parents shouted at me because of a decision that BOTH of us had made regarding my SEN DC and their education- spending an extra year in nursery. He did not defend me. It was actually all caused by him because he refused to tell them that our DC had been diagnosed with ASD. As they didn't have the full facts, they turned on me.

There has been another incident recently with someone spreading a lie about me because I confronted them about talking about me behind my back. My DH was angry with this person at first and fully supported me, and I thought, finally someone has my back, but after this person's family have been calling him, he has caved and said the confrontation has stressed him too much to support me anymore.

I should have realised I am on my own in this relationship. When we first got together, my housemate was stealing from me. This lead to a fallout and her boyfriend defended her (even though she admitted it and eventually brought my things back) but my DH (boyfriend at the time) was still polite and friendly to her! Even when she trashed my house when moving out.

I had an abusive childhood and always felt alone, that there was never anyone to help defend me. I thought that when I got married I'd never be alone again, but now I'm more alone than ever.

Other than this, he is the perfect husband, but if I stay I have to do it in the knowledge that he will never support me, no matter how difficult the situation is that I'm going through. I will always be on my own because he puts his needs before defending me.

WWYD?

The fact that he allowed you to go a week without speaking and you not eating while pregnant says it all! Even if I had a falling out with my DH, he'd sit a plate of food down in front of me! Sure it comes from both sides but kind of think you're one up on him with being heavily pregnant! I think it's worse feeling alone when there are people there.

If you both love each other but acknowledge there have been failings in the past, and some things aren't working, I would say it sounds like most relationships - imperfect, flawed, but with a good chance you could improve it. Impending birth will make you feel especially vulnerable and push all this to the surface.

I would suggest that you speak to your partner to discuss some joint therapy or couples counselling. Assertiveness lessons, maybe?

I wonder if there are other people you can ask for help from and rely on, other than your husband - maybe spread the load a little?

Take care, OP, wishing you all the best.

My dad does this to my mum. I think you really need to have a conversation with him and explain how it leave you feeling. Tell him you're questioning the marriage.

Would you consider couples counselling? Don't know where you will get the time but it's surely worth a try before you split up

It is far from perfect to accept that your heavily pregnant wife isn't eating for a week due to mental health issues and just leave her too it, however angry she is with you.
After the dust has settled following babies birth some kind of joint counseling might help your communication if you both want to stay together.

I personally wouldn’t leave, especially at 38 weeks pregnant. I think you need to speak to him about how you feel. His lack of blatant support is much more about him and his issues, than an indication of how much he cares about you. He may well need a professional (counsellor) to help him understand how you feel, and understand his issues that make him so unable to stand up to people properly.

I’d always try and get professional help before ending a marriage with children. Although Mumsnet forums are always keen on women leaving their partners regardless

My mother used to have a trinket box with a French saying on it which I didn’t understand for years .
Ami de tous- ami de personne. Friend to all - friend to no- one . In a marriage it’s corrosive and hurtful . It’s a type of unfaithful behaviour after all .

If he is the good person you say he is then this is salvageable, but he's got to understand how bad things are and that you need to go to counselling - joint first, then I suspect he would need some on his own to work on his assertiveness.

I'm so sorry you're so alone at the moment - it's lonelier when you're meant to have someone but they're not actually there for you, than it is to actually be on your own. Perhaps say to him that you love him too, but you're finding the relationship very hard at the moment and once the baby's born and things have settled a little that you and he really need to sort things out - could that work?

My overall impression of your post is that you want him to stand up for you, to be your defender. But, leaving apart the possible example of full-on physical fight with your brother, there's nothing he could do for you in any of these situations that you couldn't do for yourself.

I may have misunderstood. If all you wanted was him to agree that you were right, in front of whoever you had a problem with, that's reasonable. But it sounds more like you want him to be your protector. A parental figure to you so you don't have to be a full adult. (Sorry, that sounds rude, I can't think of a gentler way of conveying my impression.)

Warning: none of the following paragraph is reasonable or helpful, just giving my apparently weird perspective.

One thing I've learned from reading MN over many years is that apparently it is normal for a lot of women not only to want support, but to feel so entitled to it, that they get angry at its absence. (I have a particularly WTF reaction when it's emotional support, as in my world an emotional problem isn't even a real problem.) This always confuses me, as my gut reaction is that being an adult equals not needing anyone else. I know I'm wrong and unreasonable on this, but in countless threads where woman complain about lack of support, I feel a pang of ... something, because it feels to me that women are feel entitled to act like children, as I see it, whereas I've been expected to be a "man" (i.e. not need anything from anyone) probably since the age of 13, when I went to boarding school.

It seems he's quite passive and hates confrontation. Find a way you could work as a team to improve both of your self-esteem and confidence. Maybe he could have some therapy (positive psychology based perhaps) and maybe something like a team sport/martial arts/self-defence to make him feel more powerful. I'm sure he wishes too he could be better for you in this respect.

My strong impression is that you would both benefit from relationship counselling. You both find it difficult that you approach situations so differently; you both assume that your own way is the right way. To me you're coming across as quite confrontational: I dont know you though. There is clearly violence in your family and perhaps you are reacting from trauma. It could be that you can both find a greater understanding of how the other reacts and find a way forward. If you're very pregnant it's got to be worth a try.

I know this is often trotted out but in this case, I genuinely would suggest that you look into counselling. Someone you can speak to and then you can both speak to together. You clearly know he's not a bad person who doesn't love you but that he is incapable of this one thing. You seem to have a complicated background which means this one thing is really important to you. I think that some kind of counselling could really help you decide if this is a deal breaker or him decide if he really can't change. I wouldn't walk away at 38 weeks pregnant without doing this.
Personally i do understand where you're coming from about feeling like a team but on the other hand i have been with my husband 15 years and can't ever think of a time i've needed him to speak up for me against somebody, possibly because i haven't had the history you have had.

Just seconding (or thirding) the suggestion of couples counselling. If he doesn't make the effort to participate then you have your answer.

Oh wow, yes pregnancy encapsulates the whole thing. You really need him right now and he’s not stepping up. No big decisions right now. Just be kind to yourself and conserve energy, both physical and emotional. Your family sound almost a bigger issue - very draining at best, toxic and violent at worst. Please try & limit contact with them if you can. DH will likely do the basics needed for now. He doesn’t sound cruel but your feelings totally justified in the circumstances.

I don’t know. I know how awful and lonely it is if someone doesn’t have your back. My soon to be Ex never has and it’s awful.

However I don’t think a partner should always just have your back - some challenges are our own and piling in just because they are our husband without question I believe is bad.

However the some of the cases you’ve stated, like your son and DB are clear cases where he should have rung the police and told his parents. It’s quite strange his parents don’t know your child has ASD.

However you also say that he loves you, tells you that and is there for you in all other ways?

That is a lot. I don’t know If I would leave.

Weigh it up. You are going to have to live with it and be happy, or leave. If he basically always has your back but not through confrontation, but through always respecting you, loving you, being kind, being a friend, I’d be tempted to stick with him as that is a partnership.

OP, this is sad, but you are thinking clearly. Perhaps you may need your husband during labor and delivery and you may need his help getting through the next few months. Do what you have to do. But big picture, keep your eyes on getting out. Because you do deserve justice. Is there anyone else who can help you with labor?

Assertiveness training my arse. I couldn't stay with someone who was so passive that they'd appease a relative over me, especially when they've only been given half the story that your DP could have easily corrected. But chose not to.

What's the f*cking point of that?

@PettyContractor if I'm honest, I don't think you have any understanding of what it is to feel truly vulnerable. But thanks for taking the time to post.

in my world an emotional problem isn't even a real problem

If you genuinely hold this belief you need to seek help instead of trying to force your toxic and ignorant views on others who are suffering.

Your post is totally out of order.

My DH has a touch of people pleasing. But I'm normally an 'I'll sort this out' type so it's fine. When my back is against the wall, he has my back. We fit.

We need back-up and have a need for it (shitty family and pregnant) and he cannot do it (when I'm sure comes from his childhood). You don't fit.

That is not nothing, that's everything. Your needs and his capabilities don't match. That'll make you unhappy. I'm willing to bet more unhappy than being a single mum.

He’s a coward, it’s very unattractive
I think that as you are having a baby soon you need to focus on that and your recovery and then make plans to leave

Next time anyone says boarding school is great and doesn’t produce children who are emotionally stunted I will point them your way pettycontractor

I've been expected to be a "man" (i.e. not need anything from anyone) probably since the age of 13, when I went to boarding school.

I'm so sorry you went through that. I understand that your post isn't helpful to OP and everyone will rightly defend her because it's her thread.

But can I suggest counselling? Emotional problems kill people and if you don't allow yourself or others to want and need support, the likelihood is that this will leak out in other ways. Alcohol/drugs, poor relationships, MH issues, violence to yourself or others. These are all symptoms of unmet emotional needs.

I am a bit worried that by not eating properly I've given myself gestational diabetes. I don't even know if that's possible though! I'm not sure why this would have come about, I don't have a high bmi and haven't been having sugar other than the odd glass of squash.
My midwife tested my urine yesterday and she was quite alarmed at how much glucose was in it, so I'm having the proper blood tests done tomorrow.
So I can't even tuck into some chocolate to make me feel better right now.

in my world an emotional problem isn't even a real problem

@PettyContractor I think you're the one who needs therapy more than the OP.

OP, couples counselling, as soon as you can organise it, will help. Relate will do emergency counselling for couples in crisis. Don't walk out on your husband if things can be changed for the better.