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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sat here thinking WTAF??

153 replies

Bingcankissmyass · 29/10/2019 23:16

Sat watching Gogglebox SU2C celeb special with DH, both in tears at the stories they're showing. The voiceover comes on and says 1 in 2 of us will get cancer, my DH through his tears says 'I hope its you"........WTAF???? We're just your average couple, ups and downs like everyone, no bad blood yadda yadda yadda. I asked him WTAF and he said he was joking, I guess maybe he was trying to lighten the morose atmosphere, but ffs my dad died of cancer a few years back so yeah, you fucking dick, this IS NOT funny. AIBU to actually be crying about what he said or am I being overly sensitive?!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 30/10/2019 01:14

Hateful thing to say - really nasty, unless you absolutely know for certain that the person you’re wishing cancer on will find it funny, and that sort of cutting black humour is part of your relationship.

Otherwise you don’t take the risk. Especially if your partner has lost a parent to cancer. And if it does turn out you upset your partner, don’t fuck off sulking.

Astonished at the people supporting him on this thread. Just because it’s part of your coping mechanism doesn’t make it acceptable to assume it’s ok for everyone. It’s not.

NitrousOxide · 30/10/2019 01:18

It doesn’t matter if others would find it funny OP. What matters is that you didn’t, and rather than apologise, your DH is now sulking. That’s the bit that bothers me the most.

If I made a joke that upset my partner I‘d be mortified and apologise immediately.

kateandme · 30/10/2019 01:26

My dad always said to us kids if he reached a certain age we" get the pillow ok?"(before the going gets tough.)it depends 9n ur humour.but if he hurt u the stripping was shit and he should day sorry.

kateandme · 30/10/2019 01:27

Good God autocorrect stripping would definitely not be ok here!stropping.

OMGshefoundmeout · 30/10/2019 01:35

My dad also died of cancer when he was still a young man. My mum is receiving treatment for breast cancer and yet I thought what he said was funny and that you were a bit over sensitive. That being said, once he realised he had upset you he should have given you a cuddle and apologised not sulked.

Hopefully in the morning you will both feel better and move on from this.

dontgobaconmyheart · 30/10/2019 01:44

I think it's pretty brutal to be honest OP. I don't think you should 'have to' find it funny when it's pretty unpleasant really. Jokes are funny for both parties, not at someones expense over a subject that is close to home.

He is presumably sulking and blocking you out with the ps4 because he knows he's done wrong. Presumably a quick 'yeah sorry I got that wrong, obviously I hope nobody gets cancer and thought that went without saying, I am sorry' would have sufficed. Manchildren are so boring.

Motoko · 30/10/2019 02:04

Well, as someone with terminal cancer, whose DH has had to become my carer, whilst also working full time, and doing all the housework and cooking, all while suffering his own ill health, I do understand black humour, and boy, we've needed it these past few years.

However, as I read what he said, my reaction was "OMG! WTF?", nah, it wasn't funny, and now, instead of being apologetic to OP, her DH is in a mood with her, and sulking.

He's a dick.

Derbee · 30/10/2019 02:05

This made me laugh. I think you’re being overly sensitive.

allyjay · 30/10/2019 02:20

Oh come on! He didn't mean it a joke OP would have known by his tone/delivery/expression.

It was OP that made it more comedic in the retelling. Plus he's in a sulk now....not nice at all.

Honestly this place sometimes

Jeschara · 30/10/2019 02:24

Not funny at all. Very insensitive. Sorry about your Dad.

sorrythisusernameisinuse · 30/10/2019 02:25

I'd rather myself get cancer then my DH

Marnie76 · 30/10/2019 02:35

@Loubielou4 so sorry to hear that, ❤️ To you and yours.
OP it was a horrible thing for him to say, I like a bit of dark humour but this was a really insensitive.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2019 03:34

I didn’t find it funny at all. I know true pain and suffering. It sounds as if he doesn’t.

Dyrne · 30/10/2019 04:02

I absolutely hate the “It’s just a JOKE!!!” brigade. Fair enough if that’s how you cope, but OP is perfectly justified in being upset here, especially in the context - it wasn’t as part of a lighthearted atmosphere, the OP was already upset.

If you make a joke that lands wrong, you apologise for missing the mark; you don’t strop off and accuse the person of being oversensitive.

Lennonade · 30/10/2019 04:14

My DH would totally say this to me (and vice versa) but that is very much our humour / the way we banter with each other. My dad is currently being treated for prostate cancer and whenever the advert comes on saying ‘a man dies of prostate cancer every 15 minutes’ we will all joke about how my dad better hurry up doing whatever he’s doing as he doesn’t have much time left! It just depends what you’re used to, some people / families / couples have very dark humour. I agree it’s a bit odd if the two of you don’t normally have that kind of patter with each other. Is it normal for you both to cry (at sad things)? Maybe he was a bit uncomfortable with the two of you sat there sobbing and thought it would instantly lift the mood (it would have in my house, we would have laughed at the sheer inappropriateness of it). If you don’t have reason to believe that he secretly hates you then I think it’s safe to assume he was trying to be funny. He’s probably only sulking as he feels bad and embarrassed that it fell so spectacularly flat. I would give him a wee break OP.

HeronLanyon · 30/10/2019 04:44

Op I 100% per cent understand you being upset - I think he will understand too. Perhaps after sleeping on it.

Forgive me but I too absolutely laughed out loud (and loudly) at this.

sofato5miles · 30/10/2019 04:47

I laughed out loud too Blush

idontdance · 30/10/2019 04:50

I laughed too. He was probably just trying to lighten the mood

quietheart · 30/10/2019 05:22

Your DH didn’t suddenly turn to you and say I hope you get cancer!

It was of the moment, misplaced humour. Of course he doesn’t hope you get cancer, I hope my DH never does. But if it’s a choice between me and him well .... I don’t want it to be me, but would probably not tell him that. My father also died of cancer.

pictish · 30/10/2019 05:27

I laughed. Sorry.
It’s the sort of clutzy, insensitive thing I would say to be funny.
Black soh, it’s a curse at times.

pictish · 30/10/2019 05:29

P.s My mum died of cancer 14 years ago. I still laughed. I’m sure he didn’t mean it.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 30/10/2019 05:41

I also laughed.

NearlyGranny · 30/10/2019 05:49

Hmm, how rib-tickling would he find it if today you told him that you hope it's him, I wonder?

Sadly, statistics show that when cancer or other life-threatening illness is diagnosed, a sick woman is EIGHT times more likely to be left by her husband/male partner than a sick man by his wife/female partner. Eight times.

CupoTeap · 30/10/2019 06:05

I think it is just too close to home due to your dad.

It was meant to be a joke but landed poorly.

StreetwiseHercules · 30/10/2019 06:07

“ AIBU to actually be crying”

Yes, totally. You should be capable as an adult of dealing with satire.

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