AIBU to think this is gaslighting from DH?

[Fedriteup]

DH, I believe, has a pattern of grumpiness/stress and I feel he can be overbearing, withdrawn or snappy for periods (prob rowed about this for years, but no admission of this on his part). I expect it’s work related but he’s never said as much.

All very petty on a Sat night in, DD playing with a disco light in the same room. After ten mins or so DH looks up from phone, says “please turn the lights off it’s giving me a headache and I can’t have a headache in my own home.” So I turn it off, go to phone app to switch normal lights on with a very brief delay, DH says seconds later “I don’t want to be plunged into darkness either what’s going on?”. Lights go on except one “what’s happening with this light?” Angrily said BTW. I snapped back and told him to be patient and I was doing it, did raise voice as I was irritated by his tone and impatience. But not screaming. He walks out, comes back in and says to me “I do many things but I DON’T raise my voice at people”. DS aged 8 said “yes you do”. I’m mortified the kids were party to all this. More words exchanged after the kids went to bed. Pretty much a replay of the above.

He hasn’t spoken to me since, I tried to discuss last night after kids in bed. Asked how his meeting had gone, but he mumbled and eventually said he’s still upset at me for raising my voice and playing the kids off against him.

I haven’t apologised, said it wasn’t acceptable to talk to me like that in front of the kids and that he provoked me. I shouldn’t have reacted but I’m flabbergasted at how this is playing out. I’ve tried twice to talk to him in a friendly ish manner and been blanked. I’ve never played the kids off against him, I know how damaging that can be. My elder child is quite protective of me and i think is keyed into the fact DH is the more bad tempered parent.

Last falling out was when he came home drunk after a work function, laughed at the tea I’d made him (bit of a kids tea but so what) and called a school mum I vaguely know a hag. This was about a month ago and I was very upset, but honestly I can’t remember how it was resolved.

We’ve had bereavements, job loss, moves etc to deal with over the past six or so years. How do I deal with this ridiculousness? Just go? Don’t want to feel terrorised in my own home. He’s good domestically and with the kids. I’m retraining and wonder if being responsible for just the one salary is also taking its toll.

Reposted here for traffic.

@candycane222 I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. We’re all treated like problems aren’t we? Just me more so.

Fed you should never feel on edge in your own home he sounds like my recent ex. The feeling of never knowing what mood he's going to be in. He woke up one morning and just started cleaning, called the neighbours bastards his favourite word for no reason and barely spoke to me. So I went to watch TV. He came in complained about the programme I had on so I turned it over to emmerdale then he said how much he hated soaps how he had years of watching them with his ex, so I just turned the TV off and sat in silence. He then sat down with a cup of tea asking why the TV was off and I said how everything I had on he had a problem with. So more silence he sat staring out the window then told me to just go home. So I got up and went then had phonecall after phonecall saying what's wrong with me why did I leave etc. It sounds pathetic and it was, this was just last week. I've had four years of this and couldn't take anymore. I used to write down the way he behaved on a day to day basis because I felt I was going mad and was doing everything wrong.
I've had the silence on many occasions its no way to live and its awful for your kids to be around. I don't know where your going to go from here but even small steps, like going out with you friends and spending time away from him will make you feel so much better and valued as a person.

@ImTakingTheEssence that sounds EXACTLY like DH. Exactly. I’m so sorry you had to put up with that. It’s the feeling that you’re imagining it all, it makes you question everything. You’re right, it was jarring last night as we’d gone out with friends to trick or treat, met some lovely people. Life could be so good if he let me. My family is down the road I can go anytime if I want to.

My DS asked if I could take them to sch this morning, not DH. They’re feeling it.

Do go out with your friend, and get their support. If you tell people in RL what's going on, it makes it more real.

And give Women's Aid a call today. Arm yourself with knowledge, it will make you stronger.

Thank @motoko, honestly the support here is just incredible. I’ve made a start by contacting a counsellor in our town. Plan to go on my own. I have great friends, I feel almost too upset to speak to them if that makes sense.

Time's like this are when friends (true friends, the others tend to disappear) can really help you. I'm sure you'd want to support a close friend who's going through this, so allow them to support you.

But even if you don't mention anything tonight, use the time to enjoy yourself, get away from things for a few hours.

Thank you he’s just come into the house walked past my DM without saying a word to either of and headed up stairs. This is one hell of a tantrum! I’m sure he’s after another fight.

Yes, you’re right definitely need to get out and realise the world doesn’t start and end with DH.

He’s good domestically and with the kids.

Really? Are you sure about that, OP?

He walks out, comes back in and says to me “I do many things but I DON’T raise my voice at people”. DS aged 8 said “yes you do”.

Because your 8-year old sounds savvy.

Please do NOT enter any form of couples counselling with DH.
At this stage, it's less impotant whether he is labelled a gaslighter or not, & more important for you to have real life support from a knowledgeable source. Book the counselling again - FOR YOURSELF ONLY - & start getting a handle on how abusibe DH is, how you genuinely feel about it deep down, how much you have brished under the carpet & minimised/excused, & what changes you need to see happen before you can feel comfortable & secure in the marriage.

I feel for you, Fedriteup. Please take the advice above in the compassionate spirit it is meant - despite my strong words. Take action with the counselling now - he will only escalate unless you find ways to either deal with him, or separate. Poor you, & your poor kids.

I just honestly don’t know what to do right now. I tried to talk to him on Monday. Got nowhere. I break the silence now and we’re just back at him feeling vindicated. I’ve always been the first to sort arguments out.

My exh was like this. It got to the stage where I didn't want to watch anything on the television, because if it wasn't something that he had picked he would either start coughing or yawning really loudly, or sneezing just as loudly, or start talking to the cat. He would get up and go into the kitchen and start crashing around in there. Anything to basically stop me from enjoying what I was watching.

Then there was the endless criticism about me not knowing how to use the Sky remote control properly, to the point where I just let him have it all of the time, because it was not worth the constant drip drip drip of disapproval.

This type of stuff is really, really hard to describe. My exh would disagree or try to misunderstand almost every word that came out of my mouth, twisting things I had said, asking why I was in a bad mood, when I wasn't in a bad mood. Telling me I was "always on at him" when, in the end, I barely spoke.

Every time we had words I was "digging at him". His favourite line was that I was "persecuting him". He was free to pick apart my entire personality but god help me if I ever retaliated by saying something back to him.

It was like someone pouring glue into my head. I shut down completely and just starting spending all of my time on my iPad and then that was wrong too. I felt like I was dying inside.

But if I had mentioned these thing to anyone they would have thought I was being ridiculous. It's insidious behaviour, designed to unnerve and undermine you. I would get out if I were you.

@messolini9 not stern at all you’re completely correct. My appointment is just for me. I have no income and he has nowhere near to go to. This could be very messy

@decisionsindecisions oh gosh that sounds eerily familiar. Where does it come from? What’s the bloody point of it?? I’m sorry you went through that. Definitely got that with meal anxiety. Is it a genuine lack of awareness? He seems so bemused that I have anything to complain about

Forget about whether he's got anywhere to go, just sort yourself out. You need to speak to a solicitor, and Women's Aid, to find out your options.

What did your mum say when he ignored her? Have you spoken to her about leaving him?

Oh, and it's not a genuine lack of awareness, he knows exactly what he's doing, and is doing it deliberately to control and confuse you.

It's all about power and control.

My DM looked livid. I asked her to stay out of it. She’s not someone you’d cross normally!! She’s worried if l leave even for one night a week it’d look bad. She’s worried about us all and says I can take kids there whenever I like.

@motoko it’s hard to accept that it’s not about me or something I’ve done. I guess that’s why the counselling is needed ASAP. It’s hard to accept some one I loved who can be kind and mild is capable of this. Over what? Lights?!

I know it's easy to blame yourself, but it really isn't you, he'd be like this whoever he was with.

The counselling should help you to build your self esteem back up, then you will get angry that someone would treat you like this.

In the meantime, keep telling yourself it's not you, it's him.

I don't know why they do it. Possibly some deep seated insecurities or maybe a desire to control everything or even a superiority complex. But in the end does it matter why? The only thing that really matters is how it makes you feel inside. And I don't know about you but I felt like I was screaming inside. Because I was never allowed to express myself or even get a complete sentence out of my mouth.

Sometimes I used to play things out in my head before I said something. I knew that what I wanted to say was reasonable but sometimes it took me days to get up the courage to say it. I knew that saying anything would result in a row and then possible days of silence, or silence combined with passive aggressive behaviour , for example banging doors and slamming around, particularly first thing in the morning when I was in bed (he went to work much earlier than me).

So it was easier not to say anything about anything or venture any opinons whatsover. I thought this would make life easier. What it actually did was make me want to drive into a brick wall.

You cannot change him. You can only change you.

Id go to you dm's if you have her support stop worrying about what hes going to do though-he can take care himself

He's not very nice is he. My 'd'H is the same. Really gets me down.

Stop chasing him to be nice. Switch off, like he's not even there until he apologises to you.

See a solicitor asap. You seem to be working on wrong assumptions about how things would be if you split.

@decisionsindecisions I know, you’re right. I have to give up on the notion he’ll change. I had a good book about only worrying about the things you could actually change yourself, must dig that out.

Thank you x

He's entitled. He doesn't see your emotions or thoughts as important as his own. Next time, tell him to switch his own bloody lights off

Snapping at someone after they're being demanding isn't a great sin fgs he needs to grow up and I'd be telling him as much

It’s so surreal to read all this - I know what I’d think if it was a friend, but yet it’s still hard to get my head around it all.

I wonder what the weekend will bring?