AIBU to think this is gaslighting from DH?

[Fedriteup]

DH, I believe, has a pattern of grumpiness/stress and I feel he can be overbearing, withdrawn or snappy for periods (prob rowed about this for years, but no admission of this on his part). I expect it’s work related but he’s never said as much.

All very petty on a Sat night in, DD playing with a disco light in the same room. After ten mins or so DH looks up from phone, says “please turn the lights off it’s giving me a headache and I can’t have a headache in my own home.” So I turn it off, go to phone app to switch normal lights on with a very brief delay, DH says seconds later “I don’t want to be plunged into darkness either what’s going on?”. Lights go on except one “what’s happening with this light?” Angrily said BTW. I snapped back and told him to be patient and I was doing it, did raise voice as I was irritated by his tone and impatience. But not screaming. He walks out, comes back in and says to me “I do many things but I DON’T raise my voice at people”. DS aged 8 said “yes you do”. I’m mortified the kids were party to all this. More words exchanged after the kids went to bed. Pretty much a replay of the above.

He hasn’t spoken to me since, I tried to discuss last night after kids in bed. Asked how his meeting had gone, but he mumbled and eventually said he’s still upset at me for raising my voice and playing the kids off against him.

I haven’t apologised, said it wasn’t acceptable to talk to me like that in front of the kids and that he provoked me. I shouldn’t have reacted but I’m flabbergasted at how this is playing out. I’ve tried twice to talk to him in a friendly ish manner and been blanked. I’ve never played the kids off against him, I know how damaging that can be. My elder child is quite protective of me and i think is keyed into the fact DH is the more bad tempered parent.

Last falling out was when he came home drunk after a work function, laughed at the tea I’d made him (bit of a kids tea but so what) and called a school mum I vaguely know a hag. This was about a month ago and I was very upset, but honestly I can’t remember how it was resolved.

We’ve had bereavements, job loss, moves etc to deal with over the past six or so years. How do I deal with this ridiculousness? Just go? Don’t want to feel terrorised in my own home. He’s good domestically and with the kids. I’m retraining and wonder if being responsible for just the one salary is also taking its toll.

Reposted here for traffic.

Usually me to apologise or break ice

He probably relies on that. You could try to outlast him but what a way to live, especially with kids in the house.

@Butchyrestingface I’m attempting that now, giving in didn’t work so...
It’s petty but it was so clear I was doing as he’d asked it just seemed so extra irritable AND in front of the kids on our family night in. If I can’t be spoken to kindly then when can I?

And thank you @Butchyrestingface for making me laugh it was a classic line wasn’t it

Not nice. He is grumpy and out of order but wouldnt say he is gas lighting u. Tbh I think he is used to being grumpy and didnt realise he was the first to change to tone if that makes sense. I dont think u should apologise. Leave him to sulk. Take the silent treatment.....he is doing it to anogy u best thing to do is not get annoyed. Dont really see what u could have did differently to avoid it happening again. U did stand up for yourself and u should.

Often on edge? And he’s sulking, not talking? He’d listen, tho (maybe?) if you just sat in the same room, spoke and told him you weren’t playing dd off him. Tell him he knows you wouldn’t do that. Tell him ignoring you and refusing to speak is sulky abusive behaviour and you won’t tolerate it. All very quietly, while he can’t leave.

I don’t know if that would work, but maybe worth a try?

Next time he's acting like the dog in the manger over this, I'd look him dead in the eye and say :

"You were in the wrong, you know you were in the wrong, you can drag this on if you want, but the facts won't change and you won't be getting the apology you are so obviously petulantly looking for. What happens next is on you but this is my last word on it"

Then silence.

He sounds like he controls the house with atmosphere creating strops, so you react as you would with DS 8 til he learns it won't work.

I got annoyed just reading it. Absolute manchild.

I seem to have double posted the app kept saying it couldnt post. Sorry.

It sounds just a petty row. But if he's constantly irritable & you also get drawn into that dynamic, it must be exhausting. Maybe have a chat about his irritability when you're both alone & relaxed, in a non confrontational way. (along the lines of:"you seem on edge lately is everything OK" ). As you say, maybe he's bottling up feeling pressured being the only one earning. Do you ever get child free down time together for yourselves, even if it's just a glass of wine together & a boxset? Never a bad idea.

I've just thought of a question

Why was he bitching to you and saying am I supposed to have a headache IN MY OWN HOME...

Why didn't he just you know, parent his child and say DD that's enough playing with the Hue now it's giving Daddy a headache"

Why is he looking at you as if it is both your responsibility and your fault?

I walked on eggshells around my exDH for years, and yes my DD never saw the best in me. I functioned as a parent, but that was it. I was always in the wrong if we had a disagreement and I’d always concede and apologise. Anything small that went wrong was treated as a disaster.

Four years post separation I’m finally feeling like me again.

I’m with interestedwoman on this. Sounds exactly like my dad. He’s a narcissist. We don’t have contact now and I’m almost 40, but he was this and so much more. As though everything has to revolve around him. He was awful to me and my sister, as though he was jealous of us for existing. Aggressive at worst and nasty at best. Not saying this is your DH, but everything you said took me right back. The sooner he realises that the world doesn’t revolve around him, the better. You handled it way calmer than I would.

Why is he looking at you as if it is both your responsibility and your fault?
This. So much this. I was with someone who was emotionally abusive and now I am even scared to choose TV programmes in case they're not very good because I feel like it's constantly my job to please DH (DH was never abusive, I'm just working on hangups from the past when I recognize them). They make you feel like it's your responsibility to make them happy and like everything is your fault when it goes wrong, even things you have no control over or things they could easily sort out themselves. And that is emotional abuse.

Suggest to him that he does his necessary things in another room - even the bedroom - if he wants absolutely no noise and needs to concentrate. If he doesn't co-operate with that idea, I honestly don't know what to suggest but I'm sure others on here will be able to.

I feel for you and send good wishes .

I don't know how you or anyone can live like this. It sounds like a nightmare. You live in an emotional battleground. Fuck. That.

Voice of dissent. A child is playing with a disco light in the living room - sounds pretty annoying. He may have been a bit short but all he said was "what's going on with that light?" in an irritated tone, and you started raising your voice, which you quantify as "not screaming": so shouting, then?

Your 8 year old is then (IMO) pretty cheeky, feeling at liberty to interject in a conversation that was clearly between his two parents, and you describe him as "protective" of you - considering all you've really said about your DH is that a series of life stresses like bereavement have made him grumpy lately, I find it quite worrying that you've instilled this dynamic with your son.

Your DH is now the sole breadwinner after your job losses. That's pretty stressful and worrying. I don't think you sound "terrorised" in your own home, but if you do, maybe you need to consider leaving.

Agree with IFlyAStarship about the latest argument, the dinner one sounds worse imo.

You're very clearly not happy though and he isn't being particularly nice. If you'd be happier without him and don't think counselling will help then you can leave. A relationship doesn't have to be abusive to be worth leaving.

Thank you for all your replies, it’s useful to hear dissent also. I haven’t instilled a protective relationship. I honestly just think I’m closer to both kids. DS sometimes complains about DH’s harshness and I never agree with DS, try to show it from the other side. The job loss was DH’s and he encouraged me to be a SAHP a few years ago. He has not been bereaved other than very elderly g parents two years ago. The argument about dinner also included calling this woman a c, at the moment DD walked in - I gave him a look and he just repeated it again! Terrorised probably was wrong word choice then, but anxious and ‘got at’ would be fair. It was cheeky of DS but DH can be so bad tempered it was laughable that he said that. It was a knee jerk comment and I pulled them up on it.

He sounds like an unreasonable knob

It's hard to judge re: that specific argument because tone, raised voices etc are subjective.

But you feel terrorised in your own home. Your son has noticed your DH's dark mood and that he was dishonest about shouting. He criticises you over small things. He gets in a strop rather than talking sensibly. He's rude to your dad when you've been gracious to his parents. He wanted you to be a SAHP despite financial problems...

Controlling the home with the threat of his displeasure and days of grumpiness is emotional abuse. Making people walk on eggshells is emotional abuse. Creating a culture where his emotions are prioritised above other people's... that's controlling.

He sounds like a dick. Trust your own feelings here. If you're not able to be happy and relaxed in your own home...ask yourself why that is.

Definitely try counselling but don't let him manipulate you or control the narrative in counselling. Tell your counsellor that you feel his bad moods are holding court over your home and it's impacting your children.

He sounds stressed and bored.

Thanks @Soon2BeMumof3
I honestly don’t know what to do. I have no job. He has know where nearby to go to.

It sounds like DS was just staying the obvious and he doesn’t want to admit it.
I think you do need to wait this one out and when he starts being ‘normal’ again and is in the right frame of mind for a discussion maybe suggest a trip to the gp or counselling.

He needs to realise that he’s allowed to feel grumpy but he can not take it out on other members of the family

You only reacted to his mood.