AIBU to think this is gaslighting from DH?

[Fedriteup]

DH, I believe, has a pattern of grumpiness/stress and I feel he can be overbearing, withdrawn or snappy for periods (prob rowed about this for years, but no admission of this on his part). I expect it’s work related but he’s never said as much.

All very petty on a Sat night in, DD playing with a disco light in the same room. After ten mins or so DH looks up from phone, says “please turn the lights off it’s giving me a headache and I can’t have a headache in my own home.” So I turn it off, go to phone app to switch normal lights on with a very brief delay, DH says seconds later “I don’t want to be plunged into darkness either what’s going on?”. Lights go on except one “what’s happening with this light?” Angrily said BTW. I snapped back and told him to be patient and I was doing it, did raise voice as I was irritated by his tone and impatience. But not screaming. He walks out, comes back in and says to me “I do many things but I DON’T raise my voice at people”. DS aged 8 said “yes you do”. I’m mortified the kids were party to all this. More words exchanged after the kids went to bed. Pretty much a replay of the above.

He hasn’t spoken to me since, I tried to discuss last night after kids in bed. Asked how his meeting had gone, but he mumbled and eventually said he’s still upset at me for raising my voice and playing the kids off against him.

I haven’t apologised, said it wasn’t acceptable to talk to me like that in front of the kids and that he provoked me. I shouldn’t have reacted but I’m flabbergasted at how this is playing out. I’ve tried twice to talk to him in a friendly ish manner and been blanked. I’ve never played the kids off against him, I know how damaging that can be. My elder child is quite protective of me and i think is keyed into the fact DH is the more bad tempered parent.

Last falling out was when he came home drunk after a work function, laughed at the tea I’d made him (bit of a kids tea but so what) and called a school mum I vaguely know a hag. This was about a month ago and I was very upset, but honestly I can’t remember how it was resolved.

We’ve had bereavements, job loss, moves etc to deal with over the past six or so years. How do I deal with this ridiculousness? Just go? Don’t want to feel terrorised in my own home. He’s good domestically and with the kids. I’m retraining and wonder if being responsible for just the one salary is also taking its toll.

Reposted here for traffic.

He had a problem with the lights. Why is it your job to sort it for him?

As these are hue lights I imagine they are controlled from her phone and the child had her phone to play with them. It’s possible the DH doesn’t have the app.

I’d envisaged one of those toy light set ups not 60 watts of full flashing colour

Unless they have an unusually bright set the colours are fairly muted - mood lights rather than bright flashing colours, but yes it can still be annoying. However this is an 8yr old changing the colours and she stopped when told to stop.

There was no need for the tantrum and no reason why he couldn't set his own light levels rather than whining at his wife to do it faster. He sounds like a complete prick frankly.

It’s possible the DH doesn’t have the app

He can either install it or let other people do his bidding with the lights and not whine that they are too slow.

Unless they have an unusually bright set the colours are fairly muted

I have colour hue bulbs throughout the house. They are bright.

To clarify I’m not saying the husband isn’t a knob. He clearly is. But the impression in the OP of a set of disco lights is a bit different to hue bulbs and I’m a bit amazed anyone would let a kid play with those. It’s akin to them standing by a light switch and turning it off and on.

You need to act now to change the direction this relationship is going. Don't just put it down to relationship "ups and downs". Go to Relate. He is being emotionally abusive, not just stressed. Try and get him to understand that his behaviour will have a negative impact on your children not just you. Get support yourself, google national domestic violence helpline. Get support (listening ear) from a friend, colleague, family member you trust. Good luck

He can either install it or let other people do his bidding

He could install it, but by the time it’s loaded, he’s gone to the main hub and pressed the button on it, discovered the hub in app and gained access it’s probably quicker to ask the person who does have control.

Turn the lights off your fucking self.

There you go, job done.

Sorry but I had to laugh at the 8yo saying ‘yes you do raise your voice’ .. sounds like Daddy thinks he is a bit of martyr who never does anything wrong

Quincejamplease is absolutely spot on re the Freedom Programme. It's worrying the number of people responding here who just aren't recognising what's truly going on, that's why cycles of abuse just continue through generations. OP take care, get support.

He's a knob; servant to turn lights on and off, getting cross when servant doesn't act quickly enough and days of silent sulking when he is challenged... What an attention seeking man child he is.
Just get on with your life op and let him silently sulk to the end of time.

please turn the lights off it’s giving me a headache and I can’t have a headache in my own home

If dh had said this, I would have laughed at him. What an entitled baby.

So you're walking on eggshells, he has totally different rules for how he treats your parents and his, he's critical of you, he sulks - it sounds awful, OP, very toxic.

I'd recommend counselling for you - NOT joint. Have you read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?' www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

An 8 yr old can recognise a bully and will already be learning to pussyfoot around the bully, especially when they are a parent. Good for the DC for speaking up when the DH was behaving this way.

Yes, @C8H10N4O2 - this.

I think anyone is entitled to be snippy now and again but if this is a constant feature of your life then it's not a good way to live. You both sound a little over dramatic - but beyond that you don't sound like you're in tune or simpatico. Are you a team, family, friends or two disconnected individuals living in the same house? It's good your child said he was grumpy - as it means your DC are being raised knowing that honesty and communication matter.

There also seems to be an undertone that you are the person who has to leap to turn on the lights or put his dinner on the table. What was stopping him from turning on the light? I don't get it. Are you the staff or his partner? If the former I imagine this imbalance of power is well established. If you want to re-balance it it will take confidence and bravery and if he's set in his ways and world view he may well not be able or want to respond.

I mean this in the kindest possible way OP but you sound a little fragile and timid. This could well be after living under the same roof as him for so long but you don't need our affirmation or permission to decide this relationship isn't working for you. Get some counselling and find out what you want and need from life and whether you want to talk to your DH about what needs to change and explain what you need from the relationship or walk away.

I wish you luck. Walking away takes courage but you only have one life to live. Don't waste it.

I'd agree with the idea of counselling just for you as described above.

So I think you were in the wrong to encourage the DCs to be inconsiderate with the lighting

Huh? Where does it say OP was encouraging the children to be inconsiderate?

Good point, why the fuck is it your job to jump up and turn the lights off? I'm assuming he's able bodied, why couldn't he get off his arse and do it?

Does he often boss you around like this?

Also maybe he should get the fuck off his phone next time he's getting a headache.

To be clear about the lights. My 4yo was playing with light colour wheel on my phone, so not flashing just changing colours. Prob not even for ten minutes on a Special app only I have. It went dark briefly because I had to switch them all off before turning them back on to normal. These are table lamps. I had the phone in my hand and was clearly doing as I was told. I said disco lights to save time in the OP.

Maybe this will be the first case of Hue bulbs being cited in a divorce.

It was probably a bad example to use in retrospect. But it was clear I was sorting it so two issues, lack of patience and speaking harshly to me in an otherwise harmonious family situation.

I was upset about the term hag as she’s an older mum - so judgment on her looks perhaps and typifying his general negativity towards people without knowing them. It just seemed v unnecessary. Then to chuck in the c word twice, all at tea time.

Maybe I am totally over sensitive but it got to me.

Maybe I am totally over sensitive

No. You know you're not over-sensitive. You know he's a misogynistic, misanthropic, controlling bastard!

@ThreeLittleDots thank you. Sanity/clarity being slowly restored. It’s not ok to use that kind of language is it

'encouraging' was the wrong word. 'allowing' would be better since it was the OP who gave the DC the phone and allowed them to flick through the lights.

Why didn't he just you know, parent his child and say DD that's enough playing with the Hue now it's giving Daddy a headache

^This.
I am very sensitive to lights - flashing lights, changing colour lights, flickering lights, some low-energy bulbs which do have a flicker that the naked eye normally can't detect. I start to feel sick pretty much straight away and can get a migraine.
So I do have sympathy for others who have this issue. My Mum used to have this too and had to wear dark glasses all the time when not in her own home where we could control which light bulbs were installed.

Does your DH have a medical issue where the lights could cause a genuine headache?
I don't like the way some people have implied that someone getting a headache from lights is being a "baby". Some people really do get horrible migraines from this.
He may well feel ill when lights are constantly changing.

However.....
this does not excuse his behaviour. I have this issue with lights and I've sometimes had to ask people to switch particular lights off when I've been visiting their homes but I have always asked politely and explained the situation. I've also sometimes had to leave places with flickering lights when it would have inconvenienced others to switch them off and sometimes I've had to put up with the nausea knowing that I'd end up with a migraine for a couple of days afterwards.

So the fact that (even if he does have a genuine problem with the lights) he did not simply explain nicely to his daughter and asked her to switch them back to normal and then wouldn't wait patiently for the lights to change back, suggests that the man is a wanker.

I think he's like this about more things than lights and you should consider whether you wish this situation to continue.

@Fedriteup Yeah, the hag comment and using the C word is pretty disgusting tbh. I find that worse than the light situation.

I don't know why people are still going on about the fucking lights!