CoatZilla and the Barbour Boy- The Second Saga

[LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut]

Hey everyone!

Bloody hell, in all my years of MNing I've never had a response like this, I was really helped by loads of your replies, and loads made me giggle (Roast Potatoes!!) and loads made good points.

I'm sorry I can't reply to specific posts but seriously there's so many.

or for everyone who replied and is sticking with me.

So on to the update.....

CoatZilla, henceforth to be known as CZ, text again last night....

Here it is word for word.
mate, your obviously upset and that was never my intention. I'm sorry that we argued, I honestly didn't see the conversation going that way when I brought it up. I think it's better we let the dust settle for tonight in honesty. Probably best to have a calm conversation tomorrow evening?

My reply....
Yeah tomorrow evening much better I think

And she didn't come back last night (good!)

So she's made a mistake anyway......cos Dad was actually out last night ! So we'll all be sitting there when she comes back.

My plan is, to write a list of bullet points for tonight of things she definitely said, so I can't forget and she can't back out of it or claim she didn't say it (I also remembered another bit in the fucking row- where she went "Oh, so a fucking ghost did it?" in that tone of voice- fucking horrible)

Also to sit calmly and let her explain to my lovely Dad and DP that she thinks they might have maliciously cut her coat.

Then see what she says!

TBH unless she fucking grovels on her knees (not likely after that fucking last text- minimization or what??) I'm going to be asking her to pack her stuff.

I'm not being "spurred on by hysterical posters"

I have read all the replies, some have opened my eyes, some have been excusing, some have told me not to rock the friendship boat....overall I have taken a middle(ish) ground.....but tbh it's clear she is
a) weird/horrible enough to think that of her oldest friend and her family
b) fucking vicious in a row
c) now backtracking massively

So....thoughts???

And again for the troll hunters in the back......my username currently is always "LanaKanesomething", and I've had various other names going back years.....so bloody well report me and see what MN has to say, yeah?

Ignore the paint, it's my decorating coat but this is how a fabric Barbour rips. Straight line and 90 degree corner. Albeit a little frayed, would have been clean "cuts" originally.

I do understand it's not about the coat now.

I do think over 1000 messages from MNetters have fueled this up into far more than it needs to be. No one has been murdered here

We need closure! 😂

EXCITEDFOR....
I think, despite a broad range of messages in that 1000 , the OP sounds as though she is charting her own course here. She sounds reasonable and measured in her planned approach. Probably more than I would be 🤣

OP has said she's getting support from the threads, so why try to shut her down? She's not being wound up by frothing posters.

As I said on the last thread we can all - as humans with human emotional - fly off the handle and behave like shits at times. Say things in the heat of the moment we don't really mean.

I would agree with this, except she's known about the tear for a week, and has been talking to others about it, before accusing OP, so it's not something that just came out in the heat of the moment. The only reason there was an argument, is because she'd already accused OP and her family of causing the damage deliberately. So this doesn't count.

She's minimising and backtracking.

I’ve read both threads and honestly it’s all so silly. Clearly you didn’t cut her coat etc I think you’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill. Honestly she needs to move out you need to stop woth the drama.

I’ve read both threads and honestly it’s all so silly. Clearly you didn’t cut her coat etc I think you’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill. Honestly she needs to move out you need to stop woth the drama.

So Op is undermined and insulted in her own home and now you do it on here.. nice

Ffs if my friend of 17 years accused me of CUTTING her coat deliberately then I’d be upset and angry for weeks! It would be a drama! Stop having a go at the OP! I think she’s UNDERreacting if anything!

Its easy for some people to say, 'let it go', 'no big deal', 'no one murdered' and accuse OP for being dramatic and obsessive.

But, seriously, when you have been utterly blindsided by someone you trusted , and you can't make head nor tail of what the hell has happened that led you to being treated in such a way, then;

YUP! It is a big bluddy deal and YUP! You do obsess over it because you are trying to understand it all and YUP, it drives you bluddy spare trying to figure it out.

Even worse when its in your own home and on the back of generous hospitality.

Following with almost indecent interest 😂

The part that really sticks out to me is that she corrected you when you said friendship of 20 years. That was SO petty, horrible and unnecessary. I think that would be a big factor for me in ending the friendship.

I didn’t say she was right but really is it worth loosing a friend of 17 years over a rip in a coat??

Okay. This is out of control now.

You've been friends with this woman for 17 years. You love her and your family loves here, and you have lots of mutual friends.

She messed up badly (and it's the first time she's ever done sommething like this in all that time) with this whole coat thing, but in the end, you may well be the one who suffers if you go ahead the way that 99% of MNetters want you to.
YOU'RE the one who loses her friendship. YOUR family gets diistressed and loses someone they care about, and YOU might lose those mutual friend, because they WILL take sides, and you'll be the one who threw her out, so theymight well take hers.

Please calm down. I read her last text as conciliatory. If she's as lovely a person as you claimed her to be at the beginning of this saga, is it really so unbelieveabl that she might be completely regretting what she did and said? Her dad might well have made her see sense and she could be mortified that she said such things.

At the beginning of this tale, she was you best friend and a very lovely person who behaved completely out of character. Now she's the wicked witch of the west.

Forget MN for a while. We don't know her, and none of us willl have to deal with the fallout if your response goes pear shaped. Look at this calmlyand think about what you want the future to be like for you, your family, and your friendship group. The response that protects you all might well not be the most satisfying in the short term. But please don't throw a bomb into all of your lives.

is it worth loosing a friend of 17 years over a rip in a coat??

This is exactly why this is so hurtful and such an outrageous accusation. She must see that she can no longer live with you now? She's blown it

"Barbourella" 😂😂

It's the accusation that accompanies the rip Pineapple that is the crux of the matter, not the rip by itself.

Friends are friends or they are not. A true friend will never betray you and if a “friend” does betray you than he/she is simply not a friend. Always walk away from betrayal and do not stress about it....Relationships are like streams, constantly flowing and as they flow they meet obstacles. Some are minor and others major but a relationship either flows around the obstacle or it is blocked, and if permanently blocked, it ends.

The quotes above are from one of my all time favourite posts by Paul Watson of Greenpeace fame - I read it whenver I start to fee unduly stressed, especially in interpersonal situations. It may calm your mind, I hope.

Yeah, you're not going to make it to 20. If she's convinced herself (or some possibly genuinely guilty party has convinced her) that it's a deliberate scissor cut and acquired in your house, anything you say is going to be read as defensive lies, sadly.

Your hurt and sad approach is the right one because you ARE hurt and sad. Don't be goaded to anger. If she bluster and backtracks, your ultimate response is to say, "I'm so sad, this doesn't seem like you at all. We've been such good friends for so long and helped each other out so many times but now this has happened I feel I barely know you. I would never have believed you capable of taking the line you have and sticking to it on the face of all the facts."

The facts being, of course, that she did not buy the Barbour to decorate your coat rack and has worn it out of the house on numerous occasions!

I do wonder whether it was a marketplace bargain or factory second or eBay purchase that got dnipped/ripped before she ever laid hands on it, perhaps when someone removed the tag? How cared fully had she looked at it before buying and was it a knock-down bargain price?

If she paid full price at a reputable retailer, why hasn't she taken it back?!

I’ve read both threads and like some other posters I can empathise with the distress this has caused you. I lost a 14 year friendship over a bridesmaid dress when my friend went slightly bride psycho. We had been extremely close and when I couldn’t drop everything (parents evening) to try on a dress that instant she ripped into me in a very sustained and personal verbal attack.

She was ‘auntie’ to my small dd, who was very upset by the whole thing. Strangely 12-18 months later she contacted me, apologised for ‘not being in touch much’ and asked if I wanted to stay at hers for New Year. Very odd. But it bloody hurt at the time and I missed her terribly. We are no longer in touch as I couldn’t do a 180 and forget it ever happened.

Good luck tonight

I've read the threads and what springs out is that you @LanaKaneIsWeirdedOut have been questioning yourself and asking what could have caused this, and whether you have handled it better, throughout.
Her texts are totally lacking in any remorse, I thought they came across as counter accusatory. I agree with other PPs that she sees you as a kind of family member who is obliged to put up with anything due to not wanting to rock the boat because of your Dad's friendship etc. I suspect that despite the minimal rent you are charging she sees it as her doing you a massive favour.
She is rewriting the script in her favour and casting you as the bad guy. No real friend would do that. As for the 17 years comment and accusing your little DS, that was just bitchy
I'm therefore concerned by your comment; "most of my friends are her friends too, so I can't go to them, who knows who she's bloody told?"Why do you think you can't go to them? They will only here her rather mean side of the story then. AlsoThis sounds like its maybe not the first time she's put her version of events in front of everyone to put another person in the shade? I blooming well would go to them otherwise she will get away with it and will distance you from your other friends. Again that is not something a decent person would do. Is there a friend you could talk to about this?
The real question is where do you want to go to from here. For me the trust would be broken.
I think you need to be cool, calm and collected and proceed with caution because she's going to spin what ever happens so that she comes out in the best light. I think she's coming back to dictate terms to you or say she's shocked at your intemperate reactions (ie when it suits her)
I am sorry you've been so hurt, but maybe it is better that you have seen her for who she really is. Best of luck

Unfortunately people find it next to impossible to admit they've been weirdly crap. People are more willing to walk away from a good friendship than admit that about themselves.

I've just read @saraclara s post and maybe there is something in that too. Only you can really know if there's a way to salvage the situation I hope she does turn out to be genuinely apologetic and sorry for the hurt she's caused.

Just wanted to offer my support, and mark my place in the thread

I think she's bought a stolen coat and it's where the security tag was. You should mention this to her later.

Slidey

Good luck tonight.

I'm very much a one strike and you're out person but I agree with others that she sees you as family. I know I've lashed out at my family sometimes when I really haven't meant it. Hear her out. It's going to be a tricky one to backtrack from. You never know though, she might say "yeah, you're right. I was in a mood and shouldn't have said that".

Good luck for tonight. Keep focused and calm and see how she is. She may well be full of apologies and mortified.

Be sure boundaries to be put in place if she is full of apology. Buying her own food, when you want this ending, rent etc

If no apology and gaslighting, she's ended the friendship. Not you.

But saraclara SHE is the one ditching a long friendship for the sake of a coat. Not OP.