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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To recommend sleep training to a friend?

125 replies

Pretendbookworm · 29/10/2019 09:44

I have a LB who is 3.5 (who I will call E) and my friend has LB who is 2.5 (I will call C).

So my friend messaged me to say that her boy C was awake between midnight-4 because he wouldn’t sleep. She had spent the entire time holding him in every position possible but he wouldn’t settle and wasn’t happy to be put down and she was tired. She’s due to have a baby soon.

So I said well sounds like it’s time to start sleep training, at some point you’ve got to say it’s time for bed and not hold them all night because at some point its like any other defiant behaviour or tantrum and even at that age they can try to take the mick. I said that for example my boy E wanted me to stay in his bed all night but after some cuddles I said no and we kept going in to repeat time for bed. She said “sleep training is not for us but each to their own.”

I said “sleep training gets a bad rap because people do it with little babies but at some point everyone has to start being firmer, sometimes it’s like any other tantrum”. I also said well everyone does draw the line somewhere at some point. Then she said “I am not a pushover but I will not do sleep training. I won’t do it.”

Then (it’s a group chat) another friend joins in saying that toddlers aren’t robots and need cuddles sometimes and they won’t do it either. I said that I do cuddle him but the difference is I don’t stay in the room for long.

I think they’ve got no understanding of what sleep training is and have completely dismissed me with prejudice. I only persisted because I feel that as soon as I said sleep training she stopped listening to what is generally regarded as common sense advice for getting toddlers/pre schoolers to sleep.

I’m horrified with how this conversation has gone. I only persisted as I feel I was dismissed abruptly and unfairly. AIBU?

OP posts:
CactusAndCacti · 29/10/2019 09:55

I know you came from a good place, but pushing the point about tantrums and bad behaviour was not really helpful, you could have suggested sleep training without that.

Honestly sometimes all that needs to be said is 'hang in there'

I will add that the 'they will get there in their own time' is just as rage inducing.

You don't always want advice, just someone to go 'yeah that sounds shit'

AmIThough · 29/10/2019 09:56

Yes you're incredibly unreasonable. You gave her your opinion, she politely told you it wasn't for her, then you started trying to force her into your way of thinking.

You parent your way, let her parent her way.

CactusAndCacti · 29/10/2019 09:59

The other thing was that I was too tired to try to do anything to change it, it was utterly exhausting having the broken sleep but having to deal with trying to change things seemed too big a challenge.

greypetex · 29/10/2019 10:01

She said “sleep training is not for us but each to their own.”

This is the point where you should have shut up.

SpiderCharlotte · 29/10/2019 10:06

YABU. You gave her your opinion and she said it wasn't for them. You dismissed her at that point and persisted. You should have stopped at that point and claiming that people don't understand it because it's what you agree with, is pretty rude.

I understand sleep training perfectly and fundamentally disagree with it, but I wouldn't dream of trying to push that view on someone else when they'd already told me that they thought differently.

Mrsjayy · 29/10/2019 10:08

Sometimes people just need a moan and a vent and don't want advice you are actually right holding a 2 year old for 4 hours is imo ridiculous but I think your friend just needed a moan you maybe should have made sympathetic noises and moved on.

formerbabe · 29/10/2019 10:08

Reverse

Purplejay · 29/10/2019 10:08

You are entitled to your opinion but your way is not necessarily right for everyone. You need to learn when to back off. I didn’t do sleep training. Co-sleeping worked for us. I accept that isn't for everyone either.

OkayGoooouuuuuullllll · 29/10/2019 10:12

YABU

GruciusMalfoy · 29/10/2019 10:19

I think YABU. I didn't sleep train, it wasn't appropriate for my eldest, and my youngest didn't need it. You shouldn't have persisted, she said it wasn't for her.

Camomila · 29/10/2019 10:19

I think you went wrong by talking about tantrums and bad behaviour.

DS is 3.5 and doesn't always sleep brilliantly, he sometimes has night terrors or growing pains in his legs - sleep training would be completly wrong, what he needs is reassurance and cuddles (and a leg massage or a warm compress)

Passthecherrycoke · 29/10/2019 10:22

I couldn’t agree with @CactusAndCacti more.Op do you have any idea how much energy it takes to sleep train? She’s had 2.5 years of exhaustion and she’s pregnant

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/10/2019 10:25

You are not unreasonable at all OP. A lot of parents have no idea how much they harm their toddlers by not having set bedtime routines which is all ‘sleep training’ really is. Ah well, at least you tried.

HugoSpritz · 29/10/2019 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunshinekids · 29/10/2019 10:26

You implied she was a bad parent who is too soft and tolerates tantrums because her child wakes in the night. YABU.

User12879923378 · 29/10/2019 10:30

I think you might have been a bit too assertive. I don't think it is ridiculous to hold a 2 year old for four hours if that is what they need and the adult is happy with it but I also wouldn't blame a parent who didn't want to do it. "They all get there in the end" may be rage inducing but it is also true.

CactusAndCacti · 29/10/2019 10:43

User Apologies, I was hurriedly replying, I meant it was more in regards to not doing sleep training, usually uttered by a mother of a 9 month old, whilst I was struggling with a 3 year old.

Userzzzzz · 29/10/2019 10:50

I think you pushed too hard and should have stopped but I agree with you. More fool her really if she’s happy with a toddler messing about for 4 hours. At that point it’s not healthy for the child or for the parents to have such disrupted sleep.

bridgetreilly · 29/10/2019 10:53

It's perfectly fine to have recommended it. I don't understand at all why you are 'horrified at how this conversation has gone'. People are allowed to not want to do it, and people are allowed not to want to investigate further. It's their child, their life and their loss of sleep. Just leave it.

LaurieMarlow · 29/10/2019 11:14

I get you OP, because people can be so weird about sleep training and don't seem to understand that there are a variety of methods, some of them very gentle indeed.

However, you probably should have left it. Her funeral and all that.

hazeyjane · 29/10/2019 11:20

If I was your friend I would be backing away.

All kids and situations are different.

Sometime people just want a bit of tea and sympathy (or a virtual coffee and ' that sounds shit')

WhiskersPete · 29/10/2019 11:23

YABU. No to offer your opinion but to not shut up about after you were clearly told it wasn't wanted.

Damntheman · 29/10/2019 11:26

I'm sorry OP, you can't keep pushing. You suggested sleep training (as I too might) but once she said no you have to leave it and just try to be as supportive as you can. I have a friend who is doing this to herself as well, her kids are 2 and 4 and neither of them sleep. She's making herself ill sleeping only about 2 hours a night broken but if she doesn't want to sleep train then all I can do is be sympathetic to her sleep deprivation.

bobstersmum · 29/10/2019 11:32

Im not pregnant and I can't hold my 2.5 year old dd for long and certainly wouldn't be holding her to get her to sleep? Lie with her, sing to her etc but how's she holding him?

yellowallpaper · 29/10/2019 11:32

Very unreasonable. Mind your own business