to feel like I really regret having kids

[SoFuckingTired]

I know it's absolutely taboo. Millions of women would kill to have a family. But tbh, its just shit. I have a 4 year old who's being assessed for autism and a 2 year old that doesn't sleep.

I love both my children and would do anyt for them. But if I'm brutally honest, if I knew how shit and sleep deprived it was going to be, I wouldn't have done it.

So fucking tired. Every little thing is an effort. It's just shit.

I don’t regret having my daughter and I actually enjoy being her mum more than I thought I would. But she will remain an only child despite social pressure on us to “give her” a brother or sister because I know another would tip us from enjoyment into just survival.

@Samplesss

Yes in theory I agree with you. Fwiw, my DC don't go without anything and are perfectly happy if I go out at home with their dad who is always telling me I should go out and enjoy myself. It's just me...if I spend money on a night out or clothes for myself, I think I could have spent that money on a treat for the kids. I feel really guilty if I go out without them. Objectively I know it's ridiculous.

I’m so glad that someone else feels like this OP. I love my child beyond anything, but his physical and mental problems are overwhelming. Every day I wish I could be the carefree me I was before I had him.

I don’t feel like this, although I only have 1 DC and he’s only 15 months. Maybe I will feel differently in the future. Parenting is a lot harder than I expected it to be, but having my DS is the best thing I have ever done. Even after going through fertility treatment and severe prenatal anxiety and depression I don’t regret having him for a second.

I’m very grateful to my mum who always told me that she wouldn’t have kids if she had her time again. Don’t get me wrong, it’s painful to hear that, but I knew she didn’t mean anything against me personally - just the system and the relentlessness of motherhood. Growing up I never once heard “when you’re a mother...” and I cringe when I hear others say it to their daughters.

My mother never said in so many words that she regretted having children but when I was going through infertility she did say that motherhood is very hard, that children can bring heartbreak as well as joy and that the grass is not necessarily greener. I’m grateful to her too - I have a good childfree life now.

My dc are undoubtedly the best thing that ever happened to me. I had 3 in 4 years relatively young, was a SAHP, no money worries, pre internet so no pressures either. I had energy, time, patience...fast forward 15 years and I am absolutely exhausted. I find the teenage years really difficult; they don't give me any bother but the pressures and vast amount of information at this stage is overwhelming. I feel I live between the 3 schools, since the beginning of this year I've been at school at least once a week for info days, parent/teacher meetings, university tours...
Some of My friends are only starting to have dc now and I cannot imagine anything worse. I fantasize about watching A Place in the Sun on catch up in my jammies whilst they get excited for after work drinks. I'm wrecked!

You're going through a really tough time with them, OP. It's normal. My second pregnancy is planned but sometimes I think wtf have I done?! Why did I think two would be a good idea?! I'm hoping it will turn out to be a good idea!

Formerbabe That's really sad. I think if you can be a bit "selfish" you actually feel better about your kids. I implore you to use some of your child-free time to enjoy yourself a bit. You can still swim and cook something nice for their dinner.

My mum has always been quite insistent since I've had a child that I do things for myself and be a bit a bit selfish because she didn't do that for herself. Well, she did but it took her a long time.

Thank you for posting this, OP.

I have one much-wanted, carefully-planned child. He is frequently described as a ‘handful’ but is also one of those kids who charms the pants off people, and I am still with his dad, so I really have it relatively easy.

I would lie down and die for my son in a heartbeat but the physical, mental and emotional toll, never mind financial, is so much more than I could have imagined. I suffered with anxiety and depression before getting pg so tried to get my mental health tip top after deciding that I did want to risk having a child who could end up ill like me. My mental health has got so much worse since having him - more than I could have imagined possible. I have even developed SAD since he was born, yet was never affected before.

I am constantly second-guessing my every parenting move, feeling grief that he is growing, grief that I have not enjoyed these early years as much as I would like and cannot get them back, feeling despair that I am not connected enough to him and he can tell. I’m desperate to do the little things that make life joyous. Regularly stomping through the countryside is out as he just whinges; sitting in a pub with a roaring fire with my husband and mates on Christmas Eve is out. We have no family help at all - not even remote moral support - and my son is such a mummy’s boy that it feels unrelenting. We can hire sitters but it’s ££££ so 1:1 time with my husband is infrequent. When my son does actually go to bed at night, me and my husband are fucked and I’m so done in with a little person talking at me all the time that I just want to be alone anyway.

I was desperate to have an affair with a colleague last year (I didn’t) and I think this was because I felt like a real, vital person in their company for the first time in several years. I never used to understand how or why women cheated; now I get it. Brief Encounter sums it all up perfectly!

Yep I completely agree. It's extremely hard and If you utter the words I don't enjoy being a parent sometimes people look at you like you have got some sort of MH issue.

I miss my freedom to go out, have money, look for a new job with out the ties of how I'm going to manage childcare etc etc.

@hushnowthanks you hit the nail on the head with the woman can have it all statement.

I'm sure Rochelle from the Saturdays said something like: everyone expects mums to work like they don't have kids and be a mum like they don't work.

Maybe if we all took the pressure off parents on general to juggle work/home life etc etc it would go a long way to us enjoying being parents more.

I had my first this year. Total accident. I really wasn’t sure I wanted any, but my husband was pleased, thought we’d have one eventually (only told me that once we got the positive) and I was too unsure to live with the regret of not going through with it, I’m in my 30’s.

I’m surprised by how little I resent her, which also sounds awful! I try not to be too hard on myself for switching off occasionally, but on the whole I love being around her. I’m sure there will be ups and downs and I will have moments of regret. I’m dreading the teen years. But at the moment I love watching her grow and become a little person. However, it’s hard, as hard as I expected. I do not want to add another into the mix. I’m constantly asked when I’ll have another!? Why not!? You will! Give it a couple of years!

FUCK. NO.

I know my limits. Two would 100% send me over the edge into resent mode.

@NigesFakeWalkingStick I also ended up institutionalised for a good chunk of time. Never dreamt I could get so ill. As enduring as my MH problems were, I never thought I could get this ill.

@Catsick36 The early years are difficult yes, but , there is so much beauty. It's amazing how they learn so quickly.

I find a lot of these posts really sad :( parenthood is never easy but life isn't easy. A childless life isn't easy either. A lot of parents really need to chill out and enjoy the moment a bit more I think. I don't think it's their fault either - we are bombarded with how we are meant to be from every angle. We need to do this to improve language etc. Kids are kids and will pick it up. Just be relaxed and normal , enjoy yourself and you will be fine.

I find parenthood difficult but I also think it's beautiful. Everything works in your favour and no one is against you.

Yanbu of course. X

Another one with a 2 and 4 year old. Appreciating these posts about it getting easier! Both of mine are not great sleepers, and DS2 is going through a very challenging time and has been for a long while. Me and DH are not young, we work, no nearby family support and we are ALWAYS exhausted. Relate to what a PP said about the relentlessness of parenting. Even at night we are not guaranteed a break. And yes, I knew it wouldn't be easy (I was more cautious than DH about starting a family) but then again I didn't expect DD not to sleep through till she was 2.5, and to keep me up hourly for her first year. Nothing prepares you for that shit
certainly not bloody babysitting

That all said. I have no regrets. I adore my children, they have made my life better even though on paper that doesn't always seem the case! Having two is a challenge but when they play together, it is all so very worth it. I'm aware I'm lucky to feel this way though. Thank you for being honest OP. I really hope you can get some more support and time for you

I‘m childfree and reaching the end of my fertile years with no regrets. I know from the experience of my friends that being a mother is relentless hard work that never ends, although the challenges change shape over the years. I knew very early on it wasn’t for me, for the reasons so many of you describe: the noise, the incessant demands, having no space or time for yourself, the constant company, the worry. Hats off to all women soldiering on, no matter what.

for you OP, it's perfectly normal to feel like this and I imagine lots of mums do!

I only have an 18 month old DS and I love him more than anything in this world. I am a SAHM and I find the daily grind tough. There is always something that needs doing and never enough hours in the day! If I could hire a chef, cleaner, personal shopper, someone to do the washing, etc and I could just take DS to groups, play with him, walk the dog, read books and do fun things then I'd have 5 more children! I love being a mum, I don't love all of the extra things that come with it!

And my relationship with DP has changed so much. We have a lot less time together, when DS is finally asleep we are usually not too far off bed ourselves! And DS bedshares with me so DP is in the spare bed so we don't really get the infancy we used to have. But we also have a deeper love for one another, I could sometimes cry thinking about how hard he works to support us and I know I will never have to worry about us being provided for. And he knows he doesn't have to worry about DS because I try my best to give him a fulfilling life and all the time and love I can!

It's a short but very tiring season in our lives and as DS gets older we will get abit of ourselves back. I am ready for number 2 now though as I really don't want to get abit of our time back, and then start over again with a newborn lol!

@user1470132907 I'm sorry to hear this It's the same for me, I've had over 20 years of MH problems, but I never realised it would apex this badly. In the past I could lick my wounds on my own and feel better, but being a mother makes it incredibly difficult to get the time I need to ensure my MH is right tooZ

YANBU of course, you're entitled to how you feel and being honest about it (to yourself and your support network, NOT your kids!) is important for mental wellbeing.

But these posts do make me sad

I think maybe my DP feels this way ... And while I agree parenting can be relentless, I just don't understand how he can look at our little girl and wish we had the life we had before. A life where we had more freedom, more money, more sex, more holidays... Yes fine. But nothing that made me feel the way she does, nothing that MATTERED so much to me I'd die for it, nothing that made ME matter to anybody in a life or death way. No being a parent isn't all sunshine and rainbows. But it never feels anything less than vital, I never EVER wonder what the point of my life is any more which I used to wonder quite often although I had a lot to enjoy. Becoming s parent changed my life; and maybe my life was just shit before, who knows, and I'd feel differently if it had been more focused/meaningful/exciting - but I'd hate to go back to it, to feeling like nothing much really, REALLY mattered at rock bottom. Everything matters now.

I do sympathise though dont feel the same. The early years are tough but it gets easier and getting regularly disturbed sleep makes everything worse. That said I have friends with sen kids the same age as mine who hit them and they never have happy family times. Their experience very different to ours.

I often think maybe people with a stronger sense of self than I had row baby would struggle to adapt to parenting. I think I needed to become s parent to become someone I was happy to be ( not my reasoning behind doing it, it came as a shock to me how much I loved it). If you already have s strong sense of who you are and what you're here for, the neediness and restrictiveness of small children would I'm sure seem like a massive yoke.

Something o can relate to is the feeling of being trapped - the ineluctable fact of DD and the fact I have to always, always factor her in to any decision I make, no matter how apparently removed from her, is sometimes very stressful. I can imagine if you don't have that sense of certainty that parenting is what you're meant to be doing that could feel bloody awful.

I find parenthood difficult but I also think it's beautiful. Everything works in your favour and no one is against you

These could only ever be the words of a happily partnered woman with plenty of money in the bank and healthy, well behaved children with no additional needs.

@TheFurminator This. Exactly this. I never thought of myself as maternal and I had even considered not having children. But DD has given me a meaning to life that I never thought possible. I used to be highly strung and quite anxious about fairly minor things pre-baby but now I honestly couldn't give a crap about some of the stuff that would have stressed me before because it just feels so unimportant now.

@NigesFakeWalkingStick thank you, and sorry for you too. I agree that it is the having nowhere to hide and break down that does it. End up denying to yourself how ill you are because being ill isn't an option when you are responsible for another human. I had no idea how ill I was until the day I was escorted to A&E by my boss. I am now getting support and advice with parenting (so important, but something many of us don't have access to from our families) and am slowly realising that I need to create those pockets of air where I can breathe, for my son's wellbeing as well as my own. There is never a day where he does not bring me some joy but every day I also feel like my heart breaks a little (or a lot). Maybe that is how it is meant to be.