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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sperm donation in a relationship

107 replies

Ifonly86 · 28/10/2019 23:03

I have been seeing someone I met through work, everything is going great and I really like him. However he has just dropped a bombshell. He told me that he is a sperm donor and has been donating for 5 years which has floored me. I don’t have an issue with donations to help people get their dream of having a baby, I think it’s a lovely thing to do for someone, but I feel strange about the fact he has a lot of biological children out there. He claims anything from 30-50 babies have been born so far. If we ever had our own children they would have half siblings dotted around the country, possibly meeting accidentally, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Would you overlook this if you really liked someone or would it be a dealbreaker?

OP posts:

AthollPlace · 28/10/2019 23:05

No it would be a deal breaker for me sorry. I wouldn’t want to be one of a thousand women who had his baby, and I’d worry that our child would accidentally end up shagging a half sibling.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/10/2019 23:08

Speaking as someone who very nearly had to use donor eggs, I can only say that what he’s doing is amazing. It wouldn’t bother me at all.

RedPandaFluff · 28/10/2019 23:10

I find this a bit concerning, @Ifonly86 - the HFEA limits sperm donation to up to ten families in fertility clinics, so these must all be private arrangements rather than carefully regulated and monitored donations.

I think it would definitely put me off having a relationship - and I speak as a donor egg recipient, so usually a wholehearted supporter of donation!

Jollitwiglet · 28/10/2019 23:13

Is it not through a regulated centre? I thought you couldn't father that many children through donation when donating to a regulated centre

OVienna · 28/10/2019 23:20

You are not wrong to be thinking through how you would manage this in the future.

I am adopted and recently did the DNA testing which turned up some interesting relative results. These tests are only going to become more common place and I think you need to consider that one day a person (at least one, if those numbers are accurate) could turn up wanting/even expecting to be able to have a relationship with him and any family he has with a partner. My experience is that this is no small thing and can be hideous emotionally when expectations are mismatched. This could be a big part of his life in the future. It would concern me VERY much he hasn't thought this through.

I'd think very hard about pursuing something long term with someone seemingly thus casual about something so serious.

OVienna · 28/10/2019 23:27

Think about it- you'd tell your kids they must NEVER EVER do a test with Ancestry etc because their dad has fifty potential kids out there?

He may feel the need to own up too (normal) and any children you had may well want to go searching (also very normal.)

But...not as easy path to travel IME.

Butterfly02 · 29/10/2019 00:10

As a mum of dc via sperm donation I am very thankful to doners however I would worry if it wasn't through the appropriate channels (hfea) where by they limit the live births. I therefore would be wary if it wasn't through the official route.

Bluerussian · 29/10/2019 00:14

Oh no, I'd hate that. There's only one reason men donate sperm (unless privately, to help a friend), which is money. Often quite young chaps, students, do that. They have no thought or care about fathering children they will never know, some even think it's funny.

I think it is revolting, that would be a deal breaker for me.

avamiah · 29/10/2019 00:18

Ifonly86,
How long have you been seeing him for ?
Have you talked about having children together ?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2019 00:19

Total deal breaker for me.

Charley1988 · 29/10/2019 01:42

I'd overlook it and think he was doing a good thing. JOT a deal breaker

Charley1988 · 29/10/2019 01:43

NOT a deal breaker

Indella · 29/10/2019 01:44

30-50 can’t be right. The legal limit is 10 families. Have they all had triplets and quads?

StinkGhoul · 29/10/2019 01:50

If it were through official channels I wouldn’t have a problem with it, I think it’s an awesome thing to do.

But with those numbers I’m guessing he’s one of those guys who makes contact through social media and then turns up and sorts out his deposit in his car or their bathroom...? Those guys freak me out no end, so that would be a dealbreaker!

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 29/10/2019 01:52

Deal breaker because either he's telling you complete bollocks to impress you, or he is irresponsibly donating sperm through unregulated private arrangements.

AwkwardFucker · 29/10/2019 02:05

Nah deal breaker for me.

Sperm/egg donation is a lovely selfless thing to do, but the rules are there for a reason. 30-50 kids is clearly unregulated and a disaster waiting to happen IMO.

Stuckinarut81 · 29/10/2019 02:17

Nope it has been a deal breaker for me in the past.

Was seeing a right twat who never wanted children as he was far too selfish and self absorbed to do any of the grunt work of parenting, but he thought he was such a splendid example of mankind that it would be a shame for his wonderful genes not to be passed on .

(He really wasn’t)

Derbee · 29/10/2019 02:19

Agree with PPs. If his numbers are correct, it’s unregulated and he’s massively irresponsible. If it’s through a clinic, his numbers are wrong and he’s a liar.

Either way, it would put me off. Scenario 1 he’d definitely be dumped. Scenario 2 maybe not

Piffle11 · 29/10/2019 04:33

Is the donor actually told when somebody successfully has a child with their sperm? I would have thought that once they made their donation, that was them done. If he is going through regulated, proper channels, then there is no way he has up to 50 children – this simply would not be allowed. So is he showing off, or massively over exaggerating, or has he gone through an unregulated way? And if it is unregulated, how on earth does he know how many children have been born? Has he given his details to all these people? These things actually bother me more than the donation itself - The fact that the details he’s given you seem somehow unbelievable. Is he prone to exaggeration, does he think this is a ‘cool’ thing he has done? I just think, for me, if a man I was seeing said this to me I would get the impression he was trying to shock me. I mean, up to 50 children out there! If this is true then yes, it would be a deal breaker for me. If it isn’t true, the deal breaker would be that he is exaggerating wildly for some reason.

Dollywilde · 29/10/2019 04:38

As others have said, if he did it through all the regulated channels I’d think he was awesome, DH wouldn’t be here without sperm donation and I’m eternally grateful that some guy donated back in the 80s.

The way he has phrased it sounds a) dodgy as fuck and b) somewhat braggy- Id feel v uncomfortable and yes it would probably be a deal breaker for me.

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 29/10/2019 06:00

No way - allow him

Shelby2010 · 29/10/2019 07:16

If he’s done it through unregulated channels, then he doesn’t have the protection of a donor. He’s the biological father & could be sued for child support - how’s he planning on affording that?!

ChilledBee · 29/10/2019 07:20

Is the donor actually told when somebody successfully has a child with their sperm?

I think now the rules have changed regarding donor children being able to trace their parent, they might be told.

I read that since the rule.change, they have a major shortage - maybe some places are flouting the rules to cope.

Kit19 · 29/10/2019 07:28

If he’s doing it through regulated channels there’s no way he could possibly have 30-50 kids out there because it’s limited to 10 families.

It sounds to me as if he tragically thinks you’ll be reeeaaally impressed by how super fertile he is 🙄

I think sperm donation is a brilliant thing to do but it’s heavily regulated for a reason

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 29/10/2019 07:37

We used a donor and are forever grateful but if he did it legally in this country or other properly regulated countries he does not have 30-50 donor kids out there.
Here it’s regulated to 10 families. And given that many donors are giving to people with fertility issues the chances of there being as many as 10 families created aren’t that high, usually a clinic will use all the donated sperm before that happens. We have 2 kids from one donor. Is he saying that those 10 allowed families have 3-5 kids each with his sperm? If he is he’s a liar.

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