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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sperm donation in a relationship

107 replies

Ifonly86 · 28/10/2019 23:03

I have been seeing someone I met through work, everything is going great and I really like him. However he has just dropped a bombshell. He told me that he is a sperm donor and has been donating for 5 years which has floored me. I don’t have an issue with donations to help people get their dream of having a baby, I think it’s a lovely thing to do for someone, but I feel strange about the fact he has a lot of biological children out there. He claims anything from 30-50 babies have been born so far. If we ever had our own children they would have half siblings dotted around the country, possibly meeting accidentally, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Would you overlook this if you really liked someone or would it be a dealbreaker?

OP posts:

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/10/2019 22:54

What are his reasons for doing it OP? It very rarely boils down to the goodness of their hearts in these scenarios does it rather than some weird kick out of spreading his DNA around as much as possible, which is pretty vomit inducing.

It would be something I would be prepared to consider if it had been done through a regulated and ethically appropriate means but in the circumstances, no, absolutely not and I would run a mile and then 10 more and tell him why. It has nothing to do with lack of sympathy or empathy for those needing donor sperm. If anything he is taking advantage of those in need for an agenda that is ethically unsettling and unsafe.

1300cakes · 29/10/2019 23:34

I don't have a problem with sperm donation, but this guy is handing it out like Oprah on her season finale "And you get some sperm... And you get some sperm... Everybody gets some sperm!"

I suppose my question would be does he plan to continue. What's done is done, and I'm sure he's made a lot of people happy, but surely it would be irresponsible to continue at this stage.

penisbeakers · 30/10/2019 00:01

EVERY SPERM IS SAAAAAACRED

Bluerussian · 30/10/2019 01:47

dontgobaconmyheart
What are his reasons for doing it OP? It very rarely boils down to the goodness of their hearts in these scenarios does it rather than some weird kick out of spreading his DNA around as much as possible, which is pretty vomit inducing.

IAmNotAWitch · 30/10/2019 01:59

If it isn't regulated through a clinic with properly signed consents etc there is a good chance of this going wrong and him ending up potentially liable/financially responsible for any resulting children.

If so, the man is an idiot who you should definitely not breed with.

Donation through a clinic, in line with regulations is one thing and in fact DH considered doing so for some friends of ours but ultimately decided against it.

What this guy is saying though is a completely different kettle of fish (or sperm).

Babynamechangerr · 30/10/2019 04:00

Deal breaker for me as well. Even the regulated route for me personally would be a deal breaker - I wouldn't want the unknown quantity of several children (not knowing how many, how old, the sex) of half siblings of my own children who could pop out of the woodwork at any stage and want a relationship with their father and my children. It just fundamentallu changes everything.

But what he's done is far worse, as there are so many more (as he claims), he's obviously very easily traced (as he's known to the receipients) and as pp say he doesn't have official donor status do anyone could claim child support.

This action just shows a naivety and lack of thinking things through that I couldn't handle in a partner.

The sad thing is that if you break up with this person because of it he probably won't end up telling the next person so you've had a lucky escape.

Dyrne · 30/10/2019 04:41

I think some posters on here are being deliberately obtuse.

Are those who are defending this man honestly saying it’s OK that there are an unknown amount of children out there who do not know half of their genetic history? This is not small scale altruistic donation - this is a whole other level. He cannot possibly would in touch with all couples or else he would know exactly how many children he has fathered.

What if he finds out later in life he has a genetic condition? It happens, my friend found out at age 30+ he was going to develop Huntington’s - it came completely out of the blue.

If he’s doing it via fb they will likely be more local, which massively increases the chance of half siblings accidentally getting into a relationship. Is that really something you want for your children? At what stage in the relationship would you recommend they ask if they were conceived through sperm donation and suggest a DNA test before they progress things further? Not exactly something to put in your tinder bio.

And as PP have said, in the days of cheaper at-home DNA kits, it’s highly likely that a proportion of these children will end up reaching out. How do you prepare your child for the fact that they have an unknown amount of siblings out there? When do you tell them?

I understand the difficulty in regulated sperm donation but surely there are still ways of trying to be responsible with unofficial methods? I understand the desperation for a baby but I truly hope that the mothers have thought through all possible ramifications and put plans in place if using a donor that has donated to so many other women.

SD1978 · 30/10/2019 05:00

Nope - this would cause me a big big issue. There is a reason that clinic limit it the way they do. Heading round the country flinging spermatozoon to anyone who wants it doesn't sit well with me. He has anywhere yo to 50 children around the country- and allegedly keeps in touch with the parents of all of them? That will wane over time. There must be an ego aspect to this - otherwise you'd limit it as clinics do. I do r know if I'd immediately leave him- but it would put me off having a family with him

00100001 · 30/10/2019 07:18

@penisbeakers "it doesn't mean they're stupid though"

Hmm, they're willing to risk all sorts by having strangers unregulated sperm.

If a woman had unprotected sex with a stranger, they may be considered somewhat foolish? This is the same.

I'm not saying everyone makes sensible decisions, nor do they know the genetic history of every person they may choose to have s child with.

But some people are desperate and vulnerable and may make decisions that aren't the most sensible.. .like breaking the law and paying a stranger for their unregulated potentially high risk sperm

MulticolourMophead · 30/10/2019 11:53

He wouldn't legally be the father of any child he had donated for unless the mother was single. The law changed years ago on that.

It's not that simple, and he could well be the father, due to some cases that made it into court.

00100001 · 30/10/2019 11:59

"He wouldn't legally be the father of any child he had donated for unless the mother was single. The law changed years ago on that."

Well, he would legally be the father if he donated illegally.... :/ a legal donor isn't the legal father, but some bloke randomly wanking in car and selling his sperm is the legal father...

MulticolourMophead · 30/10/2019 12:17

And if he's "donating" by having sex, he's definitely the legal father.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 30/10/2019 12:50

Absolutely what Dyrne said.

No one is condemning sperm donors, but to have done it in this manner and for so many is very worrying on MANY levels. There are very good reasons why clinics limit their numbers so carefully.

Indella · 30/10/2019 15:08

Unless he has a watertight contract saying he’s only a donor he’s the legal father whether the mother was single or not. If it was as simple for men to say I was just a sperm donor then all the deadbeat dads would be claiming the same to get out of their responsibilities. He will be expected to prove it and if he’s silly enough to allow 30-50 children to be created I doubt he’s been smart enough to explore the legal channels.

JagerPlease · 30/10/2019 21:02

Unless he has a watertight contract saying he’s only a donor he’s the legal father whether the mother was single or not

Not if the baby was conceived via artificial insemination rather than sex. If it's conceived artificially, the spouse of the woman is the legal parent, unless they prove they didn't consent to the conception. If the woman has a partner not a spouse, they are still the legal parent provided that they prove they did consent to the conception

Original poster

Ifonly86 · 30/10/2019 21:20

Just a quick update - appreciate all replies it has helped me think logically, I know deep down it is a dealbreaker for me or I wouldn’t have posted so I told him how I feel. I need some time to think about it now but I’m 99% sure I will call it off, it’s unlikely I will feel ok about it eventually and I don’t want to get ‘in too deep’ and struggle to get out so to speak.
For those that asked it is artificial no sex involved, he has them all sign legal papers although I’ve since been told they wouldn’t hold up in court, and he doesn’t charge at all not even travel, he told me he first started to help a friend and when there was a shortage and lots of couples asked for help as they couldn’t afford clinics he wanted to continue helping. I can understand his reasons but I now find myself looking at children and wondering if they are his, I don’t think I can live like that.

OP posts:

LoyaltyBonus · 30/10/2019 21:25

I don't think he's telling you the truth. For some twisted reason, he wants you you think he's fathered more children than he has and that is indeed a deal breaker

00100001 · 30/10/2019 21:58

@JagerPlease I’m going to put guess there are no water tight contracts.... nothing protecting him or the mother....

00100001 · 30/10/2019 22:00

He has them sign “legal” papers? He doesn’t charge?
He’s just happily paying all solicitors fees and somehow convincing them to break the law?

Bollocks

SheBloodyNameChangedAgain · 31/10/2019 07:30

It somehow feels worse that he's doing it for free! What exactly is he getting out of this op?

Celticrose · 31/10/2019 08:34

Is this the guy me and my dh saw on a TV programme who we saw wanking in his van and then delivering the product to someone's house. We were a bit at seeing that. Can't for the life of me remember what the programme was called but was some sort of documentary type.

isitxmasyet · 31/10/2019 08:42

You mean he is helping gay women couples?

Well that’s very noble of him but he is doing it through unregulated channels and as such it is irresponsible as that number of children does raise the possibility of them meeting up.

He is also likely to be contacted by at least some of them in the future wanting contact and possibly more from him.
That could be so complex in the future and imagine the impact on your own children if you had any with him.

But for me as well it would suggest an air of arrogance about him- the swooping in and saving these women with his mighty sperm. And that’s because of the sheer numbers not the concept- sperm donation is wonderful but there are reasons for the regulation and limit on numbers and him flouting this so wantonly suggests a megalomaniac tendency or something that would concern me

I think you have made the right decision OP and definitely best made now.

Bluerussian · 31/10/2019 08:50

Ifonly, I am so glad you are at least considering finishing with the guy - please do. What he does is revolting - maybe not the first time when he was genuinely trying to help someone he knew but all the other times. In some ways it sounds like a tall story - but you couldn't make it up! Some of the things he has told you sound quite dodgy and unrealistic.

There are men (there is a probably a female equivalent which I don't know about), who get a kick, and I mean a really big kick, out of fathering many children all over the place. There's a word for it which I can't remember. It's a sort of addiction and gives them a sense of empowerment.

I've found a link to an article about a man who 'donates' for no fee - not in the same way as your boyfriend but pretty repulsive.
www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/man-plan-impregnate-2500-women-14014349

Don't be involved with him, you're worth more. You will meet someone else who doesn't wank into a jar as a hobby.

The world is your lobster as someone once said.

plantainchips · 31/10/2019 09:14

@Scarlett555
They can get in touch with him one day if they wish but know he is not their dad and simply a donor. That's really all there is to it.

I agree with you for the most part. However, I think it’s disingenuous to say that he’s not their dad. He is there father. The father is merely absent. That will cause so many feelings in a donor-conceived child. That there’s half of them some where out there that they don’t know about. Identity. Siblings they don’t know about. Grandparents they don’t know about. Feelings like that always creep to the surface. Your oversimplifying donation.

Notajogger · 31/10/2019 09:27

If he’s done it through unregulated channels, then he doesn’t have the protection of a donor. He’s the biological father & could be sued for child support - how’s he planning on affording that?!

This. The (surely unregulated?) sites which link donors with those wanting donations must be legally in murky waters - particularly when donation is done the "old fashioned" way

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