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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sperm donation in a relationship

107 replies

Ifonly86 · 28/10/2019 23:03

I have been seeing someone I met through work, everything is going great and I really like him. However he has just dropped a bombshell. He told me that he is a sperm donor and has been donating for 5 years which has floored me. I don’t have an issue with donations to help people get their dream of having a baby, I think it’s a lovely thing to do for someone, but I feel strange about the fact he has a lot of biological children out there. He claims anything from 30-50 babies have been born so far. If we ever had our own children they would have half siblings dotted around the country, possibly meeting accidentally, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Would you overlook this if you really liked someone or would it be a dealbreaker?

OP posts:

00100001 · 29/10/2019 07:39

"There's only one reason men donate sperm (unless privately, to help a friend), which is money."
That's just not true.

My DH donated sperm because his brother and his best friend struggled to conceive, and he realised how hard it was for people. He wanted men like these to be able to be fathers.

And technically/legally you can't get paid for donations. Just "expenses" at £35 per visit. My DH donated the money.

Pineapple1 · 29/10/2019 07:41

I don't see a problem.
Is it not the same thing as an egg doner?

ChrisPrattsFace · 29/10/2019 07:42

You need to ask him more about the process, figure out if it’s genuine or if he’s sitting in a van outside someone’s house....

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 29/10/2019 07:45

Donors don’t make a lot of money I. This country - £50 a pop at our clinic for expenses, and they have to have a lot of tests, give blood, donate and go back 6 months later for a second blood test to check they’re clear for HIV before they get the money.
Many are doing it for altruistic reasons.
I’d speak with him to find out his reasons and how he’s donating. I think he’s just being a bit Braggyand doesn’t realise how creepy he sounds.unless he’s on Pride Angel and similar sites AS WELL as donating to a clinic in which case you have a problem, the reasons for limiting families will have been explained clearly to him along with the consequences of trying to break the rules.
Oh, and also the clinic he’s donating to will tell him if a child has been born using his spermnof he wants to know. No details, just whether or not a bit or girl or siblings have been born.

Dollywilde · 29/10/2019 08:12

@Pineapple1 it’s really not. You can’t donate eggs by having a wank in someone’s bathroom...

Original poster

Ifonly86 · 29/10/2019 08:34

Thank you for the replies, deep down I know I don’t want to be involved with this set up but I do really like him.
It is through social media, he helps gay couples and they stay in touch. If it was the 10 rule through a clinic I probably wouldn’t feel as uncomfortable, but this way seems more personal.
I have researched it a lot and tried to see it from his side and the families he helps. I’m at a complete shock there is a man with 800 children who brags about it and charged £50 plus travel which I thought was illegal.
I think I will speak to him tonight about how I feel and go from there, thanks everyone

OP posts:

EarlGreyT · 29/10/2019 08:35

I don't see a problem.
Is it not the same thing as an egg doner

Nope, it’s totally different. As PP said above you can’t donate eggs by having a wank in someone’s bathroom. Unless you consider that having multiple scans and blood tests, several weeks of injecting yourself, the side effects of the drugs and having a general anaesthetic to collect maybe 10-15 eggs equivalent to having a wank in someone’s bathroom and getting millions of sperm it’s really not the same thing.

Robs20 · 29/10/2019 08:37

When you use donor sperm in the UK you also pay for a pregnancy slot. Each donor is limited to 10 children.

EarlGreyT · 29/10/2019 08:38

I read that since the rule.change, they have a major shortage - maybe some places are flouting the rules to cope.
That’s very unlikely since it’s heavily regulated by the HFEA and the clinic would lose its licence and have to close down if they were flouting the rules. If he has created 30-50 children by donating, it’s far far more likely that he’s doing this through unregulated private arrangements.

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2019 08:56

Oh, no, creepy as fuck.

There is a very good reason for the limits clinics give. I have come across the sorts of men who post on forums used by lesbians trying to have babies and they are invariably predatory and unpleasant. Sorry, but they are.

There is no reason he would boast about this to you. And frankly, I simply do not believe him. 30-50. Bullshit.

(FWIW, @Piffle11, our donor was told when we had our DD, but only because of the circumstances around it. We'd paid for several vials but only used one (to have DD), and clinics can only store donations for ten years unless the donor consents to an extension. So they got in touch and asked if he'd consider an extension given we were hoping to try again, and he was happy to agree. I hope he knows how grateful we are!)

PicaK · 29/10/2019 08:57

Wow. So many kids. He's been irresponsible. Kind hearted I guess but irresponsible. But then think of the joy he has bought.
If he stays in touch this will be something your potential child has to deal with emotionally. I'm sure they can if you start early and don't spring anything on them - age appropriate explanations all the way.
I'd want to know if he's thought about all this and what his thoughts are. If he'd done it without thinking that would be more worrying to me as I couldn't cope with someone who ploughed headlong into things. But the sperm donations themselves wouldn't be of such concern. But that's me not you.
In some ways what he's done is wonderful but there's a reason it's regulated which is to put protection in place for the kids. So very few men are prepared to donate. Laughing college students scenario is a figment of an imagination.

ChrisPrattsFace · 29/10/2019 09:05

Well after your update OP I absolutely would not be happy with this.
He’s literally wanking in cars and charging people. He has absolutely no protection from any of these children/parents wanting support and will not have had any proper health testing done.
It would be a no from me.

Pineapple1 · 29/10/2019 09:06

I never said its the same process... Its the same concept though. It allows those who lack the means to then produce a baby. Therefore the same?

busybarbara · 29/10/2019 09:06

Even if there are 100 half siblings out there, the odds of it being the problem are the same as catching a disease from blood or piss in a swimming pool. There are millions of people out there, get a grip folks

HeavyChopping · 29/10/2019 09:19

It's a very irresponsible way of doing something that sounds like a good deed.

The legal (and also financial) ramifications of this further down the line are huge. I presume these are just casual arrangements with absolutely zero legal protection for him. I'm pretty sure there have been cases where these kind of arrangements have come unstuck.

I'd keep well clear if I were you. Not only for the fact that he's got so many kids but also for his cavalier attitude towards it all.

Welshrainbow · 29/10/2019 09:30

I wouldn’t have my beautiful children without a donor but 30-50 children would concern me. It all sounds like private donations which in itself i don’t have a problem with but that’s so many and probably no proper records kept. For reference we used a donor we know but conceived through a clinic etc. Our children have one donor sibling and if that couple want another in the Future I guess there may be another one but that’s only one other family. When another couple approached our donor he discussed it with us and the other couple who have a child and decided against it. I’m not sure I could trust someone who seems to donate so indiscriminately. Also worth mentioning unless all the couples he donated to are married he could be liable for child support if they ever claim. It’s a bit more complicated than that but has been the case before now.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 29/10/2019 10:56

This genuinely would not bother me in the slightest.

00100001 · 29/10/2019 11:09

With the update, the issue would actually be him doing it illegally - that is the issue for me. Charging vulnerable people for his sperm, with no protection for himself either.

What's would he do when these 30-50 parents get him to start paying Child Maintenance? He has no legal protection.

EarlGreyT · 29/10/2019 11:12

@Pineapple1
It’s the same concept, but really not the same thing. You cannot donate eggs without going through a clinic and you couldn’t have 30-50 children through donating your eggs, it wouldn’t be possible.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 29/10/2019 12:46

busybarbara What about how the people themselves feel when they grow up?

The reason we set limits on the number of families you can help create is that we know through consultation this is the level which donors and donor-conceived people feel comfortable with in terms of the numbers of potential donor-conceived children, half-siblings and families that might be created

www.hfea.gov.uk/donation/donors/donating-your-sperm/

If you're conceived via donor semen through a regulated route, it's possible to contact people conceived via the same donor if they are also willing, because records are kept. Is this going to be possible for these kids? www.hfea.gov.uk/donation/donor-conceived-people-and-their-parents/donor-sibling-link-dsl/

Besides, if this bloke is telling the truth, it's not 30-50 babies randomly scattered around the world. It's 30-50 kids of the same age within whatever he considers a reasonable commute from his house.

Derbee · 29/10/2019 12:49

Your update means I would absolutely dump him. He’s an irresponsible idiot. Maybe well meaning, but totally stupid and irresponsible. I’d be out.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/10/2019 12:50

Give this creep a very wide berth.

GlitchStitch · 29/10/2019 12:53

No he sounds like a creep on a mission to spread his seed. Completely different to someone donating sperm though official channels.

Captaindaddydog · 29/10/2019 12:56

He is completely irresponsible or a liar or both. Give him a wide berth.

Lunafortheloveogod · 29/10/2019 13:05

Through a clinic, safely and properly monitored, I’d have zero problems.

Watched a docu series on “private donors” and some yes were nice guys who regularly were std tested and did think they were doing the right thing but they were few n far between. Women were met by men expecting actual piv sex for their donations.. some wanting 3somes claiming it as perks of the job.. some who weren’t tested obviously and didn’t care.
There’s also a local who got a fwb situation to get pregnant, once her relationship broke down she went after the bio dad for maintenance. Obviously he has no legal back up for saying “she said her missus n her wanted a baby so I just provided the missing ingredients”. That’d worry me, one who decides she needs the money and knows his details, there’s probably no proper legal doc to prevent it either.

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