Sperm donation in a relationship

[Ifonly86]

I have been seeing someone I met through work, everything is going great and I really like him. However he has just dropped a bombshell. He told me that he is a sperm donor and has been donating for 5 years which has floored me. I don’t have an issue with donations to help people get their dream of having a baby, I think it’s a lovely thing to do for someone, but I feel strange about the fact he has a lot of biological children out there. He claims anything from 30-50 babies have been born so far. If we ever had our own children they would have half siblings dotted around the country, possibly meeting accidentally, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Would you overlook this if you really liked someone or would it be a dealbreaker?

@JagerPlease Has that changed recently? As my close friends used a private donor via AI and the non biological parent had to adopt the baby to have full parental rights as they were not married. The donor also had to sign to agree to the adoption. Was very risky in my opinion hence we went through a clinic.

@Indella I'm not sure when it changed as I didn't look into it hugely when my son was conceived as we were married. I know it is more complicated when unmarried partners are involved, but my point was mainly around the fact that provided a child is conceived by AI not sex, the donor is not always legally the father

People unfamiliar with the emotional aspects of donor insemination for the child involved should read 'Inheritance' by Dani Shapiro. Granted, she found out in an unexpected way but the need to connect with her paternal family was very strong.

I know a couple in Ireland who had custody issues with the donor. I think this was prior to marriage equality laws and it ya possible that the female partner of the biological mother wasn't allowed to adopt at the time. But the whole situation has been a blight on their lives and hugely expensive. Anyway OP - it sounds like you're thinking through everything very carefully.

There was a tv show on bbc one about this and I found it dangerous and it seems most the men have a god complex. I couldn't date a guy if he did it, once for a friend but that many times -

Jordan Waller who is an actor and writer was conceived using sperm donation through regulated channels to lesbian parents; he talks about it extensively in a podcast called "the daddy issue" (which is a podcast all about different people who grew up without fathers) he made contact with his donor siblings and also met his sperm donor because he lifted his anonymity. Interestingly he doesnt in anyway see the man who donated his sperm as his father but the sperm donor sees him very much as his son. He is now going through the regulated channels to be a sperm donor himself

If the woman has a partner not a spouse, they are still the legal parent provided that they prove they did consent to the conception

Are you sure that's true?! I'm pretty sure it's not! How on earth could that possibly work?

If he's claiming so many offspring, he's not donating within the licensed system, so it all gets very murky.
It means he's liable to be seen as having a legal duty towards those children, as the courts will prioritise their right to parental contact & support over any 'agreement' he had with the mothers.