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Original poster

Sperm donation in a relationship

107 replies

Ifonly86 · 28/10/2019 23:03

I have been seeing someone I met through work, everything is going great and I really like him. However he has just dropped a bombshell. He told me that he is a sperm donor and has been donating for 5 years which has floored me. I don’t have an issue with donations to help people get their dream of having a baby, I think it’s a lovely thing to do for someone, but I feel strange about the fact he has a lot of biological children out there. He claims anything from 30-50 babies have been born so far. If we ever had our own children they would have half siblings dotted around the country, possibly meeting accidentally, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Would you overlook this if you really liked someone or would it be a dealbreaker?

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 29/10/2019 13:18

Wow. All these judgemental people.

People desperate for a family often go through unofficial channels because for whatever reason, they can't access what they need officially. Reasons for this have changed over the years, anything from being same sex couples to having the wrong colour skin because we all know how official institutions have supported scientific racism and discrimination based on sexuality, and more.

Provided he wasn't being an unscrupulous money grabbing git about it, I'd find it incredibly endearing. When people enter into unofficial arrangements, people assume they're all going to be clueless and stupid about it. People also assume offspring want to come looking for money etc.

Have a little fucking heart.

00100001 · 29/10/2019 13:25

But that's the point @Penisbeakers these people are vulnerable and desperate.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 29/10/2019 13:33

There’s something deeply concerning about fathering children for complete strangers at all let alone by this method and in such quantity. He’s not really thought through the implications for his (many) children.

Bellaxx8 · 29/10/2019 13:47

I would break it off.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 29/10/2019 15:04

The fact that he is doing it illegally and unregulated would be the Achual deal breaker, he is opening himself up to things like financial responsibility spreading diseases genetic problems and who knows what! There are good reasons these things are regulated and controlled

WhoKnewBeefStew · 29/10/2019 15:42

If he was doing it via a legit clinic I'd see it on par with giving blood (ok I know it's not), but I wouldn't have a problem with it.

However I'm pretty sure what he's doing is illegal, irresponsible and also immoral imo. So yes, it would be a deal breaker for me

SheBloodyNameChangedAgain · 29/10/2019 16:13

OP I can only assume that he is not asking for "Natural Insemination"?

Up until you said he does it through Social Media I was undecided. Does he charge?

Is he not concerned about the risk of his many, many children meeting and having sexual relationships? Grim but always possible, especially if he is donating in a local area.

Sorry, this would be a deal breaker for me, and I am currently pregnant from Donor sperm (done through a fertility clinic)

SheBloodyNameChangedAgain · 29/10/2019 16:14

*sexual relationships when older, of course

RunsForGummyBears · 29/10/2019 16:19

Nope, because he has a very casual relationship to risk. Also these spread their seed types squick me out.

Nixen · 29/10/2019 16:27

Oh hell no. Run, don’t walk, away from this guy

HJWT · 29/10/2019 16:32

OMG, going to a clinic.. ok not great for him to have unknown children but donating through social media 🤢 run run run!

Scarlett555 · 29/10/2019 18:27

Agree with penisbeakers. So shocked at the mean and narrow minded responses on here!

We will explain to our kids (conceived with the help of a donor) that a kind man we don't know helped us to become a family. They can get in touch with him one day if they wish but know he is not their dad and simply a donor. That's really all there is to it.

I would hate for them to read that sperm donation is 'revolting' and a woman should run for the hills if her partner has donated.

That being said 30-50 kids sounds like a lot and I would be concerned he hasn't gone through a regulated clinic. But not all people can afford to do that and I disagree that all donors are in it for the money, a lot simply want to help people.

MulticolourMophead · 29/10/2019 19:06

This would be a deal breaker for me. Not because of the donating, but because he's outside the regulated system.

That means that if his figures are accurate and not bullshit, he's donating far more than the regulations, and that could lead to trouble if just a few came looking.

There's also the possibility of the other parent claiming support, and who knows how many might try to claim. While providing support is the right thing to do, the sheer numbers means it could have a huge impact on any children of the relationship, and I'd want to avoid that.

And also, I think it's great that people can create a family using donated sperm and eggs, but with this chap being outside the system, I'd question his motives, given some situations I've heard about.

Indella · 29/10/2019 19:20

Now you’ve updated to say this is a private agreement absolutely no way!

There is a very good reason for the limits on number of children. There is a very good reason for genetic screening of donors, for all he knows he’s condemned all these children to an inherited condition he isn’t aware of, and there is a very good reason these type of agreements should be done through official channels with proper legal contracts.

By doing this privately he is legally the father of all those children not a donor. There is absolutely nothing stopping all those women coming after him for child maintenance etc. He has been very very stupid.

Run a mile now! And I say that as a lesbian woman that has a child through sperm donation, via a regulated clinic.

tttigress · 29/10/2019 19:37

Hold on a minute....

I've seen a few threads on here where someone has reached their late 30s, no man in their life, but wants kids.

They ask, should they consider a donor.

The overwhelming advice is, "Do it!, you will regret not having children when you are older, if a donor is the only way, so be it"

So obviously donors are needed.

I guess one argument may be to use an official channel, but it isn't always possible/the best solution.

Kit19 · 29/10/2019 19:48

There is a shortage of donors since the right too anonymity was lifted and I can understand why ppl go outside the system though I don’t think it’s a good idea

There’s a big difference between donating off system to a couple you know fully understanding the issues & agreeing how all the potential issues will be handled and dishing out your sperm to all and sundry without a second thought for the consequences

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2019 20:22

YY, agree with @Kit19, and I'd add there's a big difference between a thought-through private donation, and claiming '30-50' children (ie., lying). There is something very, very, very weird about someone who thinks their sperm donation is important enough to do multiple times over 5 years, but who isn't sure whether they have 30 biological children or 50.

It would be nice if more men felt about to donate, but I don't think the answer is to encourage creepy blokes like this.

Raspberrytruffle · 29/10/2019 20:29

Let me guess the next thing you will find out is your dp kindly donates using natural insemination because he believes it's better to get pregnant? Some men genuinely want to help people with there dream and a proportion just want unprotected sex. Look after yourself OP and dont be so naive

namina · 29/10/2019 20:29

Oh god massive deal breaker, sorry.

OneForMeToo · 29/10/2019 20:46

Huge deal breaker for me legit or not. My dna giver spread his oats far and wide and I spent my dating youth always on edge that any of the people I met could be a sibling.

JagerPlease · 29/10/2019 20:58

He wouldn't legally be the father of any child he had donated for unless the mother was single. The law changed years ago on that.

My own child was born via donor, and outside of the regulated clinic environment so I wouldn't judge that either. The number is the worrying thing though.

penisbeakers · 29/10/2019 22:38

@scarlett555 I'm genuinely pleased you were able to have the family you wanted. 🌺

penisbeakers · 29/10/2019 22:40

@0100001 it doesn't mean they're stupid though, I wish people would stop painting this man so badly. It's alarmist bullshit and there's no need for it.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 29/10/2019 22:46

When we found out DH infertile there was a massive shortage of sperm in the U.K. due to the change in privacy rules. We had to import from Denmark. It was very expensive. No NHS help at all. We were very lucky we could afford it.

I completely see why people do anything the can in these situations if desperate. I would worry if he was having intercourse though. How is he doing it and how does he know there won’t be financial repercussions?

Bluerussian · 29/10/2019 22:49

Pineapple1
I don't see a problem.
Is it not the same thing as an egg doner?
........
Yes but do egg donors donate multiple times? I wouldn't have thought so. Either are strange and ethically dodgy in my opinion.