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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents want baby to stay over.

151 replies

Shanmoore · 28/10/2019 19:19

So I've just gone back to work, ds is 9 months. I work every evening apart from monday and wednesday and the weekend 9-8 both days with a short gap in the middle. Dh mum been getting upset that their family don't see ds. Dh agreed for ds to stay over theirs without asking me. Now hes stayed over once she wants him every other weekend sunday night and Monday day. I'm not comfortable with this, I'd be happy for her to have him in the day and bring him back for bed but she wont take no for answer, just sort of bats around it. I really don't feel happy about him staying sunday and coming back Monday night as thats my full day with him. She could have him any time in the day but she wants him overnight. Dh doesn't understand how I feel as he works ridiculously long hours anyway. How can I make it clear I'm not comfortable with this and no means no? Or aibu?

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainbows · 29/10/2019 00:00

He's your DS why would you want to be away from him more than you have to for work?! You need to tell her straight you don't want your time with him taken away. However tread carefully, you don't want to cut your nose off to spite your face. Many people have absolutely no help from family, so it is very nice of them to offer and you are lucky to have help available, although it's not actually helpful to you right now, it may be one day. How about you ask her to have DS say once a month for you to have date night, and just show you appreciate the offer . Perhaps also suggest something you could do together like soft play, so no one misses out? YANBU
If she still doesn't take no for an answer, then just make things difficult, make excuses at the last minute, such as you have a play date the next morning so it's not convenient etc
Good luck

NoSauce · 29/10/2019 02:59

Another nutty granny

Another sweeping statement.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 29/10/2019 03:20

Ffs, I can’t stand Grandmothers who are like this.

My ExMIL was lovely “I can’t wait to have her overnight but I know how hard it is to leave them.”

She first babysat when DD was 10 months old as it was my favourite siblings 30th birthday and she threw herself a huge party after having a horrible year, ExMIL did not bat an eyelid when I turned up at 7:30am the next day Blush She made me breakfast and admitted she’d turned up at her DMs at 6am when she first left ExDP there Grin

My current MIL, however... Whole different ball game. Can’t really stand her. Her repeated attempts to trample my boundaries have fucked me right off.

Speaks volumes that I still meet ExMIL for a coffee twice a month but can barely spend 10 mins in the same room as MIL Hmm

JollyJlly · 29/10/2019 04:58

YANBU. Your baby your rules. Tell her in words of one syllable and repeat. Otherwise you will have issues for the rest of time!

NoSauce · 29/10/2019 07:29

JollyJlly the OP has a bit more about her than that if only you’d read the thread.

MonkeyLife · 29/10/2019 10:14

YANBU.
I'd say absolutely no way.
My DS is almost 19months and he's not yet had a night away from me/OH. Apart from nursery during the week whilst we work, he is with either one or both of us.
I would say, your DS, your rules. They have had their chance at raising a child. This is your time with your child. They need to back off and appreciate the time they do get with him.

RockinHippy · 29/10/2019 10:19

The MILs behaviour is very odd & would make me very wary of her motives. She's had her own DC & is now rough shedding over you to take yours at her will. Not on & as a mother, she definitely knows that.

This will only get worse, ecsuse yiu are letting it. Your baby, your rules & she can sod off.you need to put your foot down & say no. You don't even have to explain, feeling the need to explain shows weakness that your MIL is seeing as a chink in your arm. A firm "Nope, that doesn't work for me" & change the subject & repeat

Honeybee85 · 29/10/2019 10:25

YANBU at all. No way I would agree to this, they are quite strongly crossing boundaries for being so insistent on it. Any normal person would find it unacceptable to pressure you like that.

Sorry OP, I am angry on your behalf.
Just say NO. And no further explanation needed, he is your baby, let her buy a doll but not let her take your son from you.

I am too nice and accepting of CF behavior sometimes but as the mum of also a baby boy, I can firmly say that if anyone tried that with me, they would meet my inner angry mama bear.

ChilledBee · 29/10/2019 11:26

Hmm,if you're completely overwrought and stressed to the point your family can see it and your husband is unable to do more because of his job commitments, then maybe he does have the right as a her parent to enforce some time where you receive that support via an overnight with GM. It is his child too and in other circumstances, a mother/RP might forbid or enforce specific visitation rules around the dad/NRP like "no overnight because you're in a flatshare". This might be "EOW overnight with GM because mum is in danger of not coping".

RaininSummer · 29/10/2019 12:46

No Sauce - not a sweeping statement at all - Just observing that it another story about a nutty granny. I am a grandmother and am constantly amazed at the level of entitlement and loopiness emanating from other MILs and grannies when it comes to the grandchildren.

Bluerussian · 29/10/2019 23:23

Shanmoore
keeprocking I am not a hypocrite. I said I don't mind his parents having him occasionally if we go out? What I don't want is them having him every week. He is my child. So don't be so darnn rude. I said earlier that I hated him staying at my parents the two times he did. But it was unavoidable.
...........

I get what you are saying. My son spent the night at my mum's for the first time when he was two. He was used to her because she looked after him when I worked part time and she was very good with him. However he fretted, she had him next to her during the night and he kept waking up sobbing, saying, "Mummy and Daddy!". Oh bless him, it hurts to think about.

When we picked him up the following day he was with his grandmother, holding on to her leg!

We didn't let him sleep away from us again until much later.

OP - I am so glad that you had a good response from in-laws. That will settle the issue for quite a while. You haven't been at all unreasonable and the response from in-laws shows respect for you. All very good! [flowers[

ShipShapeandBristolFashion · 30/10/2019 07:11

You need to say “he’s definitely not staying overnight, but it will be lovely for you to have him during the day”. Don’t faff around the subject. Be very clear.

nottodaysatanlucifer · 30/10/2019 07:18

I really don't understand it when grandparents think they have some sort of "visitation rights" on a regular basis. They aren't parents. Grandchildren send them absolutely bonkers, I just don't get it.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 30/10/2019 07:25

I'm a grandmother, I can never understand those that make these sort of demands. To be a grandparent we've all had our shot at first hand parenting. A grandparent's role is one step back not muscling in and trying to override the mother/parent's wishes.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 30/10/2019 07:29

Glad to see upthread you have now resolved the issue satisfactorily.

coconutpie · 30/10/2019 08:35

Glad to hear she replied like a reasonable person. However, I firmly believe you should cancel the overnight stay this weekend. Overnight stays should only be when YOU want them, not because she demanded it.

Original poster
Shanmoore · 30/10/2019 08:39

ChilledBee if I'm so "stressed" and "overwrought" which I'm certainly not. Then surely them having him both days at the weekend, or evenings in the week is a break? He's slept 6.30-6.30 through the night since 6 weeks so its definitely not hard work. No court would enforce it. If I was a single mum would they enforce grandparents to have my children overnight?

OP posts:
ChilledBee · 30/10/2019 08:43

No but they might enforce that the baby is in its father's care overnight to give you a break as well as facilitate contact. Either way, he gets a say. Whether he can enforce it or not, I'm not sure. I know I wouldn't call the police or SS if my husband took the kid(s) to his mum's overnight because I would be sure he was allowed to do it.

Original poster
Shanmoore · 30/10/2019 08:47

ChilledBee thats the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I've got one child and I work 35 hours a week where I get a break. Dh doesn't want to rip ds from me to 'give me a break' he just stupidly made a statement to his mum which she now is taking as gospel. My baby is 9 months old. I dont mind her having him every now and again but not every other week. Grandparents have no automatic rights in a court of law. His parents see ds a few times every week. It's not as if they never see him.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 30/10/2019 09:04

No but they might enforce that the baby is in its father's care overnight to give you a break as well as facilitate contact.

What utter nonsense.

SoyDora · 30/10/2019 09:12

ChilledBee where on earth has she said that she’s stressed and overwrought?!

PurplePattern · 30/10/2019 09:16

So glad you stood up for yourself, and glad for that she has responded sensibly. 100% agree with you, you are the parent. Good luck!

Blossie0 · 30/10/2019 10:29

Well done for being assertive. Your child your rules. It's a shame your husband isn't the one doing to talking here to mil to back you up. It's down to you when you feel comfortable enough to let her have overnights. They are only little for a short time why would you want to miss out on that as a regular occurrence!?

ChilledBee · 30/10/2019 10:49

"Even my own family are saying it would be good for me to have a break"

Original poster
Shanmoore · 30/10/2019 11:29

ChilledBee yes because we used to stay over at our grandparents when we were younger. That doesn't mean my little boy has to. I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:
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