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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents want baby to stay over.

151 replies

Shanmoore · 28/10/2019 19:19

So I've just gone back to work, ds is 9 months. I work every evening apart from monday and wednesday and the weekend 9-8 both days with a short gap in the middle. Dh mum been getting upset that their family don't see ds. Dh agreed for ds to stay over theirs without asking me. Now hes stayed over once she wants him every other weekend sunday night and Monday day. I'm not comfortable with this, I'd be happy for her to have him in the day and bring him back for bed but she wont take no for answer, just sort of bats around it. I really don't feel happy about him staying sunday and coming back Monday night as thats my full day with him. She could have him any time in the day but she wants him overnight. Dh doesn't understand how I feel as he works ridiculously long hours anyway. How can I make it clear I'm not comfortable with this and no means no? Or aibu?

OP posts:
keeprocking · 28/10/2019 21:36

Hes my son and what I say goes

Actually, that should be He's our son and what we say goes. So many women on here are dismissive of a father, it's hardly surprising that they have problems.

RolytheRhino · 28/10/2019 21:36

Well done, OP. Don't let them make you doubt yourself.

TriciaH87 · 28/10/2019 21:39

Tell her that's my time off work with my child. You can have him during day when I am at work but I am not working 5 days to have 2 full days off only for you to have my child on one of them. Then say its not up for discussion and she can take what ever you are offering her or leave it but that's final

Original poster
Shanmoore · 28/10/2019 21:39

keeprocking I am not a hypocrite. I said I don't mind his parents having him occasionally if we go out? What I don't want is them having him every week. He is my child. So don't be so darn rude. I said earlier that I hated him staying at my parents the two times he did. But it was unavoidable.

OP posts:
RolytheRhino · 28/10/2019 21:40

So many women on here are dismissive of a father, it's hardly surprising that they have problems

In this case so far the only one who has been dismissed is OP. The MIL deliberately excluded OP from a discussion to get her way and the father of the baby acquiesced to the MIL's unreasonable demands without bothering to check how OP feels about it. So far no one seems to be considering OP at all. So I'm not certain that your nitpicking is justified and definitely sure it's not useful.

Bourbonbiccy · 28/10/2019 21:50

Actually, that should be He's our son and what we say goes

I absolutely couldn't agree more, but in this scenario the DH doesn't understand how the OP feels and has previously agreed the baby can stay over without consulting the OP. If she is uncomfortable with it,their baby is only 9 months, that should be respected.

ConkerGame · 28/10/2019 21:50

Well done OP. Hopefully DH is on your side from now on and that MIL gets the message.

Stay strong!

RightYesButNo · 28/10/2019 21:57

keeprocking I’m sick to the teeth of people coming on threads, not reading what the OP has actually written, and then just pushing their own agenda while simultaneously knocking OP.

OP has said clearly:
He has stayed over at my parents twice... I hated him staying then too.
So it’s obviously not a regular thing with her parents and she doesn’t want it to be.
Then in the text to her MIL, she explicitly says:
You can still have him overnight next weekend. But I just want this to be an every now and again thing.

And despite the fact you had all that information, you come in AFTER those comments, after OP is still letting her DC stay with MIL next weekend, after she’s said she just wants it to be occasionally, not every week, and didn’t like her parents doing it either, and you STILL say:
And you were presumably 'comfortable' about [him staying with your parents] yet you treat the other grandparents as second class. You either allow the child to stay with grandparents or you don't, you can't be such a hypocrite.

Your first sentence: she said she wasn’t. Your second sentence: she already is, and just doesn’t want it to be weekly. I wish people would start reading OPs’ comments before judging and name calling, or else what the fuck is the point. Of course you’re allowed to disagree, but it’s not much of a disagreement if you’re not even going to pay attention to OP. Honestly. Halloween Hmm

Original poster
Shanmoore · 28/10/2019 22:16

Thanks so much everyone for all your help. She has got back to me and says she respects what I've said, and understands how I feel. I really love mumsnet for this reason! I feel much more relaxed now and your comments have made me realise that sometimes I need to be a bit more assertive when it comes to ds!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 28/10/2019 22:21

Good for you, and good for your MIL.

It will be far easier for you to leave the baby with her knowing she understands and respects you.

And you could tell her that. A win win situation.

There will be times you may need to advocate for your child. Better to start as you mean to go👍

Well done OP.

RolytheRhino · 28/10/2019 22:21

Oh good! Glad to hear that, OP. Smile

ineedaholidaynow · 28/10/2019 22:23

Glad to hear that OP.

Lemonlimeandice · 28/10/2019 22:25

Why do so many weird women think that they have a right to have their baby grandchildren stay with them, without reference to the mother ? It’s so odd.
I’m sure they themselves would never have countenanced it.

BarbaraStrozzi · 28/10/2019 22:25

Hooray - that's a great outcome, OP.

Gileadisreal · 28/10/2019 22:32

Excellent! Well done OP. It's hard to know what to do for the best sometimes, particularly when you feel you're being pressurised. But you've stood up for yourself and for your son, good for you 👌

NoSauce · 28/10/2019 22:35

I think you’re being fair OP. You’ve not said he can’t ever sleep ( tbf I think you’re doing well to let him sleep out so young anyway ) just not every other weekend.

Glad she’s been ok about it.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 28/10/2019 22:39

I think 'I'm prepared to fall out over this Andrew' is my favourite MN quote of today

RaininSummer · 28/10/2019 22:48

Another nutty granny. Tell her he is not her baby and you want him with you.

Oneborneverydecade · 28/10/2019 22:53

So chuffed for you - and glad that she was reasonable

NearlyGranny · 28/10/2019 23:06

Good that she says she respects your decision. Now watch that she does! It was very wrong of her to approach your DH about this behind your back actually requesting you not be there. Very wrong indeed. It was badly done.

Your DH sounds as if he is scared to fall out with his DM. It has to be scarier for him to fall out with you! He must have your back, otherwise his family will play divide and rule with you.

DH must understand that this is a an attempt at driving a wedge between you. Next time someone singles him out for a chat about things concerning you behind your back, he needs to refuse to discuss unless you are there and be disappointed in the person expecting anything else.

That is what marriage is. You are a team of two - well, three now - and he can't play for another side at the same time!

VisibleShantiLine · 28/10/2019 23:09

I think 'I'm prepared to fall out over this Andrew' is my favourite MN quote of today

Ditto Smile

Though a word of warning, OP. It might seem sorted but I doubt this will be the end of it so keep your resolve and your guard up. Good luck.

Singlenotsingle · 28/10/2019 23:15

I do think if you don't like it, you should say no. However, as you e agreed to it for next weekend, if DC cries and wakes up several times in the night, this might be the last time.

AuchAyeTheNo · 28/10/2019 23:17

I’ll need my hard hat for this but ah well!

I always feel the main caret should make majority of the childcare decisions, so if DH isn’t around a lot then he shouldn’t be agreeing to your DS staying away without discussing it with you first.

It’s great to get a break and some time to yourself but if your not comfortable the what’s the point? You won’t relax.

Your MIL will just have to get over it

Cherrysoup · 28/10/2019 23:35

I think you’ve done the right thing, OP. He’s your child, not hers. She’d get to have him wherever she feels like it and you’ve been assertive and told her. Good for you! Your dh needs to involve you next time, not just randomly tell her whatever she wants to hear.

RhinoskinhaveI · 28/10/2019 23:43

It's great she backed down😊 but even so I would watch her!