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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents want baby to stay over.

151 replies

Shanmoore · 28/10/2019 19:19

So I've just gone back to work, ds is 9 months. I work every evening apart from monday and wednesday and the weekend 9-8 both days with a short gap in the middle. Dh mum been getting upset that their family don't see ds. Dh agreed for ds to stay over theirs without asking me. Now hes stayed over once she wants him every other weekend sunday night and Monday day. I'm not comfortable with this, I'd be happy for her to have him in the day and bring him back for bed but she wont take no for answer, just sort of bats around it. I really don't feel happy about him staying sunday and coming back Monday night as thats my full day with him. She could have him any time in the day but she wants him overnight. Dh doesn't understand how I feel as he works ridiculously long hours anyway. How can I make it clear I'm not comfortable with this and no means no? Or aibu?

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 28/10/2019 20:47

You have a pathetic DH as with all the MN threads with arsehole MIL. She asks him about your DC staying at hers and he his typical submissive ass. I thought my PIL were bad but after being on MN for a while they are bloody angels. They don’t demand I hand over my DC every week for a sleep over ....or any other god damn demands. As with all these threads your problems is your DH.... he is clearly from the dark ages where he goes to work and you do the wife work and doesn’t care whether his DC is with you or his DM

Gileadisreal · 28/10/2019 20:48

'NO' is a complete sentence. None of them have to 'get it'. Not them, not your DH. Once in a while is fair enough, there's no way I'd be letting this be a regular thing. He's only nine months old, he needs to spend quality time with you when you're not working.

billy1966 · 28/10/2019 20:49

OP, you don't have to apologise or explain to anyone that you want to spend time with YOUR baby.

Be very clear with your partner. Tell him to never make arrangements for your child without speaking to you.

Be firm. Absolutely non-negotiable.

Your baby. Your decision.

Mind yourself. Sounds like you are surrounded by twits💐

DartmoorDoughnut · 28/10/2019 20:50

Well done OP with the message you sent. Hope your MIL is reasonable about it all!

If it helps you at all my two have never spent a night away from home without me and DH aka going to visit people with us! My DPs and ILs have kindly stayed here a couple of times so we can go out but that’s it. MIL set up a nursery when I was pregnant with DS1 but it was never used, luckily she’s not batshit just got overexcited so caused no issues!

Original poster
Shanmoore · 28/10/2019 20:50

aweedropofsancerre This whole issue started because my mil asked to speak to dh without me there and she said her family don't see him enough and she wants ds to stay over while he is 'young enough' to get used to it. Dh stupidly said without thinking that she could have him whenever she wants. He works up to 10 days at a time starts at 7.30am finishes at 1 the next morning sometimes. I don't think he thought about what he was saying.

OP posts:
brassbrass · 28/10/2019 20:56

If you want to set boundaries you need to show that actually where your baby is concerned you are quite prepared to fall out. They are banking on your 'non confrontational' approach to grind you down.

user1498572889 · 28/10/2019 20:58

OP you can’t be timid where your kids are concerned. You are the parent and if your husband works such long hours chances are you will be the one making child care arrangements. They have to suit you if you are happy your child will be happy. If you are anxious your child will pick up on it.

diddl · 28/10/2019 20:59

Why does he even need to get used to staying there?

Is he still up when you go to work in the evening?

Can't she pop to see him then for example?

ineedsleep456 · 28/10/2019 21:00

YANBU OP that is your time with your DS. I don't like overnight stays and my DD is 2! I'm sorry your family is putting pressure on you. I've had similar pressure from my family in the past and like you I can be abit timid and a people pleaser. However, I realised DD comes first and in most cases I put my foot down. Have to say it caused a couple of rows but I remind myself my child my choice and DD comes first.
Also I get annoyed with this very entitled attitude some family members get. I do always try to make sure DD sees a lot of her family. But I hate being dictated to.

Hollywolly1 · 28/10/2019 21:00

I think it was a massive mistake to offer your child for a Saturday or Sunday,I understand you are trying to please them but this is your little baby not like lending them a bag or something.of course you can change your mind anytime.regarding next weekend make some excuse like he's getting teeth .....this could become a habit very quickly.what if your baby cries during the night are they going to tell you for fear of not allowing it happen again

OhTheRoses · 28/10/2019 21:01

Negotiate op. Of course ahe can have him for a whole day and overnight. On a day you are working and the following morning she takes him to nursery/cm. Saves you a day of childcare fees and you get unbroken sleep one night a week. It has to be to help you out not to limit your limited time with your son.

Original poster
Shanmoore · 28/10/2019 21:02

diddl I've got no idea - think she said that out of jealousy for the two times he has stayed at my mums. He is still awake when I leave for work. He is awake for at least another 2.5 hours. And she does babysit him one evening and I've offered her more. It doesn't bother me who watches him while I'm at work. I just want him home when I'm home

OP posts:
Original poster
Shanmoore · 28/10/2019 21:03

*by that I mean either my family or dh family

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 28/10/2019 21:05

Actually having an infant will do her good.
She can have her own ds back...
He is behaving like a dc doing what his mummy wants...

Original poster
Shanmoore · 28/10/2019 21:08

Told dh I messaged her. He said jesus.. did she reply? I said this: I'm prepared to fall out over this. He's 9 months. He stays with me. She can have him for the day on Saturday or sunday and if we ever want to go out she can have him overnight thats it. Hes my son and what I say goes. I need to grow a backbone and this is me putting my foot down.

So at least now he understands.

[Edited by MNHQ to remove identifying information]

OP posts:
brassbrass · 28/10/2019 21:11

Good for you.

Peterslee · 28/10/2019 21:13

I learnt a massive lesson when I became a mum, which was to stand up for myself a say NO! No need to explain Or justify your NO. You do what feel right for you and your baby.

Whatsername7 · 28/10/2019 21:19

Good for you, op! Your mil is manipulative - why didn't she express her concerns to both of you? I get on with my mil fairly well, but she can be like this too. When dd1 arrived she hated the fact that she wasn't my first port of call as I naturally leaned on my own mum. She was pushy at first with trying to ensure time with my dd was equal. My Mil has dds of her own and they naturally go to her because she is their mum. This only made MIL more pushy with me; I think she was really worried she would be pushed out so regularly overstepped in the early days. I was tough with her and with dh, I was kind, but I drew my line and insisted it was respected. What MIL came to realise was that I cherish the loving relationship she has with my kids. She learned she didn't need to push because I was never going to freeze her out. DH became wiser to it too, and we became more of a solid unit when dealing with her. Good luck, you've done really well standing up to both of them. Flowers

Grainedmonkey · 28/10/2019 21:20

Well done OP

aweedropofsancerre · 28/10/2019 21:23

Good for you... don’t ever be pushed into something your not comfortable with especially around your DC. The only time my outlaws had my DC overnight was when we asked them to attend weddings etc. It wasn’t as part of a normal routine

lynzpynz · 28/10/2019 21:29

So proud of you OP, having a little one has made me far more assertive as well. Had numerous issues with my fam obsessing over grandchild, huge boundary issues, their wants trying to take precedence over mine and babies needs, never outright said but so many snide remarks that I was BF'ing to control my babies movements etc. etc. I had to be super firm (luckily DH accepted) in saying no we weren't driving round the country visiting early on fam could come to us etc. I now just say no, that doesn't work for me. Shake my head and keep saying no. No. NO. till it sinks in. My child, my rules and I will not allow anyone to manipulate me into telling me what's happening with my own baby.

When you feel worried you might upset the apple cart, remember MIL here isn't worrying is she? Be prepared to tip the damn thing over and keep reminding her when it comes to your baby you're damn well in charge not her, and DH better get with the programme and never agree to things like this again without consulting you.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2019 21:33

Very well done, op. It can be enormously difficult to be assertive if you never have been, but I think you've now learned that when it comes to your child, you must never allow yourself to be maligned and pushed around. Never be afraid to stand up for yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2019 21:33

Good for you OP!

When you start standing up for yourself the people who are used to pushing you around often don’t like it but they’ll get used to it, and the more you do it the easier it gets!

keeprocking · 28/10/2019 21:34

He has stayed over at my parents twice

And you were presumably 'comfortable' about this yet you treat the other grandparents as second class. You either allow the child to stay with grandparents or you don't, you can't be such a hypocrite.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2019 21:34

Oh bore off keeprocking