Grandparents want baby to stay over.

[Shanmoore]

So I've just gone back to work, ds is 9 months. I work every evening apart from monday and wednesday and the weekend 9-8 both days with a short gap in the middle. Dh mum been getting upset that their family don't see ds. Dh agreed for ds to stay over theirs without asking me. Now hes stayed over once she wants him every other weekend sunday night and Monday day. I'm not comfortable with this, I'd be happy for her to have him in the day and bring him back for bed but she wont take no for answer, just sort of bats around it. I really don't feel happy about him staying sunday and coming back Monday night as thats my full day with him. She could have him any time in the day but she wants him overnight. Dh doesn't understand how I feel as he works ridiculously long hours anyway. How can I make it clear I'm not comfortable with this and no means no? Or aibu?

This sort of entitled behaviour from Grandparents really irritates me. It's not about what they want. It's about what is best for the baby. Which is to be with his Mum. Sure if you want a break, it's fine. But if you don't want one, no one should be making you feel like you should have a break.

My MIL often refused to hand over my daughter if we were eating dinner because "relax and eat your dinner while it is still warm". I could not relax and enjoy my dinner while my tiny baby cried for me. People think they are being helpful (or use it as an excuse) but no one can tell you that you need a break, only you know if you want one.

Just day no op. Be firm and say you aren’t happy with it so no.
Both my mum and my Mil have asked multiple times to have my 9 week old overnight. I’ve said no, I’m not comfortable with it or ready to be away from him. I get a lot of ‘but you need a break’ and I don’t give a shit. He’s my baby, I do 98% of the child care so its my choice.

Compromise: she can have him occasionally when you want some time to yourself and maybe at another time when you are working, but not every other week, that's too much. He can see his grandparents during the day, for a day, but overnight should be a treat, not a regular thing.

He's your son and he is still a baby, bless him. A lot of babies wouldn't settle away from parents, it's good if he is happy to be elsewhere but you need to have him with you too. Grandparents have already done all that with their children! They'll calm down about it.

Well done, that message seemed very clear and told your MIL all she needed to know. Now you don't need to worry about it anymore

It’s good you’ve sent a clear message.

But I really would advise you not to keep explaining yourself, because all that will do is confirm her view that she’s suggesting something right/normal, and that on some level you know your attitude is wrong, or odd, or requires justification.

Basically it weakens your position if you keep explaining!

Op don't feel you have to justify why you want your own baby back!!
Sorry mil that doesn't work for me.
Thanks for the offer.

No. No. No. I would tell her she doesn't see him at all unless you are with him. She's trying to take over. Stop it now. She won't accept your text message. She will go crying to DH. He will tell you that you're selfish. You've got to grow a backbone and take control. He is your baby. Look after him.

I like your text OP. Hopefully she takes it in good grace.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I do feel a bit better! Just dreading her reply. 64sNewName I could feel myself doing it too, I'm a timid person and I hate confrontation - I think I'm trying too hard to please everyone. When she asks again I'll just say no.

Too nice for your own good, OP.

It's OK to say no.
It's not "good for you to have a break" if you don't want one.
It's OK to say you've changed your mind and she can't have him next weekend, too.
Don't let people railroad you into things you don't want and aren't comfortable with. Whoever they are.

My MIL is/was like this. I was a pushover before I had DS and had never had anyone question or push my answers before I met her. When I was pregnant, she set up a nursery at her house and told (yes, told) me that DS would be staying over night ASAP. She told me I should stop breastfeeding at 6 weeks and banged on and on about it. When we started weaning and I said no refined sugar, she made such an issue over being allowed to feed him custard that it went on for months and she used to ring DP crying.

As a result of her constant fuckwittery, I see as little of her as possible. DS only stayed over night there a few months ago, aged 3 and a bit. He’s now been three times. As soon as he started school, my work hours changed to weekdays only and I knew that she’d be after having him overnight once a week. I pre empted it by asking if she’d like to collect him after nursery on a Friday (at 11am) and id pick him up on my way home from work at 5. She said great. She called a few days after to tell me that she wanted him overnight every Friday and I said I’m sorry MIL but that doesn’t work for me. She said once a month then? I said I’m sorry MIL but that won’t work for me. It will be as and when needed/wanted, but thank you.

Some people only understand one way and that is broken record, no negotiation. I’m sorry you’ve got one too!!

Op don't feel you have to justify why you want your own baby back!!
Totally agree with this. Op I think you are being way too soft giving her too many options.
Don’t associate saying no with being rude.

AlohaMolly She sounds like mine. While pregnant she told me she was dropping hours at work to stop working Wednesdays so she could have him. Never asked, Just expected.

I really hate people saying they hate confrontation. Just because you are asserting yourself doesn’t mean you are confrontational.
Get used to standing up for yourself op, you’ve got years of this ahead. Especially when they start school lol

'Sorry MIL, but Mondays are off the table as it's my only day with DS. I'm also only comfortable with sleep overs once in a while. He's my baby and only 9 months old'

Tell her that you are grateful for her offer but that you find that you miss your baby too much and prefer him to be home with you. Explain to her that your time with him is very precious and that you really enjoy being with him.
She had her time with her children, this is your time.

Op, I agree with you, if you don’t want your baby to stay over at grandparents, then don’t let them. And definitely don’t feel bad about it. None of my dc stayed over night until they were over 2 and I think dc1 was nearer to 6 when she had her first sleepover! Ds would have been 3ish I think?

Guess what, they have all turned out absolutely fine, have no issues in staying away from home now as teens/pre teens and have a great relationship with their grandparents.

Don’t be pressured in to letting them stay. My dh never got it either, he worked away from home a lot (military) so was used to leaving us all for long stretches for work, but it didn’t feel right for me to do it if I didn’t need to, so I just didn’t.

I know it’s so hard when you’re unused to confrontation/drawing a firm line, but take strength from the fact you’re doing it on your baby’s behalf.

If you feel at a loss in the face of anyone’s expectation that you should explain yourself about this - if you literally do just need something to say, to avoid exposing yourself to accusations of Being Impossible - really, do just flip the question back. It doesn’t have to be hostile in tone. Why does she want to do this? Why does she think it will be better for your tiny baby to be away from you all night on a regular basis?

She won’t have a good reason, because very obviously, it isn’t better for him. It’s all about her.

Well hopefully she will get the message. I wouldnt say sorry though!

Argh overbearing, controlling woman! My MIL is like this but not in regards to her grandchildren. As other posters have said, I think it’s odd behaviour to insist they stay alone overnight on a regular basis. Well done for standing your ground, I wouldn’t have been so polite about it though

OP I agree with the other posters. You do not need to be apologetic, you do not need to justify your decision and you do not need to explain yourself. When MIL replies do not get into an exchange on this subject. Does DH know about the message.

Your text sounds very reasonable, I hope she responds positively.

Countrybumpkins I feel like this is confrontation when I've already argued with Dh over this. He has agreed to something without even asking me and now and now I'm trying to clean up the mess. I can be assertive when I want to be. I'm used to it in my job. It's different when it's my mil. I feel like I have a different relationship with her. I'm just trying to not fall out with everyone.

Just keep reminding herself the burden is on her to convince you. Not the other way round.

It is not rude for you to politely, consistently remain totally unpersuaded.

Three things to bear in mind:

1. Why would you not have him on your day off? he’s YOUR child, you want to spend as much time as possible with him while he’s young, you’re not a bloody surrogate!

1. He is not a dolly to be passed around to anyone who wants to dress him up and put him to bed.

1. You don’t need a break from your own child, you need to be with him and taking care of his needs, if you didn’t want to look after a child you wouldn’t have had one.