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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents want baby to stay over.

151 replies

Shanmoore · 28/10/2019 19:19

So I've just gone back to work, ds is 9 months. I work every evening apart from monday and wednesday and the weekend 9-8 both days with a short gap in the middle. Dh mum been getting upset that their family don't see ds. Dh agreed for ds to stay over theirs without asking me. Now hes stayed over once she wants him every other weekend sunday night and Monday day. I'm not comfortable with this, I'd be happy for her to have him in the day and bring him back for bed but she wont take no for answer, just sort of bats around it. I really don't feel happy about him staying sunday and coming back Monday night as thats my full day with him. She could have him any time in the day but she wants him overnight. Dh doesn't understand how I feel as he works ridiculously long hours anyway. How can I make it clear I'm not comfortable with this and no means no? Or aibu?

OP posts:
Sunflower234 · 28/10/2019 19:52

This is absolutely nuts- your baby is 9 months old.

My daughter is 16 months and PIL are lucky if they babysit for an hour or so.

Be assertive. You’ve got years ahead of battles if you don’t. I’ve always been quite a reserved person but when it comes to DD I don’t mess about.

There’s no way you can sacrifice time with your child by not standing up to them over this. Get your DH to call them- ‘No that’s not happening, i will drop him off at on Sunday and pick up at . Job done.

brassbrass · 28/10/2019 19:53

Start standing up for yourself OP. People like this just keep pushing boundaries and will grind you down.

You need to start with your DH though because he is a major part of the problem.

64sNewName · 28/10/2019 19:53

Remember that you don’t need to give her a reason/justification. If she asks “why not?”, you don’t need an answer for that. Keep calmly turning the question back: why does she think it’s a good idea?

Because that’s what requires an explanation. Babies being with their mums is the default. Taking them away overnight is what needs to be justified.

And whatever her reason is, you can just keep going “OK, thanks but I don’t feel it’s necessary” etc.

SilverySurfer · 28/10/2019 19:55

I read so many times on here of MiLs desperate to have their GCs alone from a young age and think it's very weird. I don't have DC nor am I a MiL and can't understand why they think it's acceptable to expect this. I very much doubt they happily handed their own child/ren over to their MiL.

AbbieLexie · 28/10/2019 19:57

You are allowed to change your mind - Your child - your decision - that should be respected.
No overnight stays unless you want it to happen because it suits you.

Bourbonbiccy · 28/10/2019 19:57

Be assertive. You’ve got years ahead of battles if you don’t. I’ve always been quite a reserved person but when it comes to DD I don’t mess about

Absolutely this. You are his mum and you make it clear now that if you say something is not happening, then it's not happening, full stop.

I wouldn't need/want my hubby to make the phone call explaining as I would want them to understand when it comes to my child I'm more then capable of fronting it out to say No.

Obviously i am always consistent and fare with my In-laws but they know when it comes to my son, I know whats best for him and that will always come first.

Original poster
Shanmoore · 28/10/2019 20:00

He has stayed over at my parents twice. Only because I had plans for me and DH to go out. I hated him staying then too. I've just sent her a long message now. I don't want to be a pushover. I just feel like this is going to cause conflict between me and DH and her.

OP posts:
Grainedmonkey · 28/10/2019 20:03

What was your message?

brassbrass · 28/10/2019 20:04

Well this is a battle worth having otherwise you're in for a long war. They both need to understand you won't be ganged up on or bullied into anything concerning your baby that you are not comfortable with and quite frankly your DH should not be putting you in this position. He is just trying to make his own life easy as it stops his mum nagging him.

BarbaraStrozzi · 28/10/2019 20:04

Your partner's mum is bonkers! This really, really is not a normal request OP. (Sounds like you are doubting your instincts here, but don't: your instincts are spot on - babies need to be with their mothers, and mothers need to be with their babies).

For heavens sake, "every other weekend" sounds like the sort of arrangement you'd have with the other parent of a child following a divorce - and even then, courts typically wouldn't enforce overnights for a child that young.

Your DP's mum is nuts, you have to stand up to her - and more importantly, you have to get your DP to stand up to her (and make it quite clear to him that this really is an "it's me or her" situation - no wriggle room for fence sitting on this one).

Whatsername7 · 28/10/2019 20:05

Say 'MIL, Monday is my day off and I want to spend it with my son. Im happy for you to spend Sunday day with him, but he needs to be home for bedtime.' If she says anything, just say it is not negotiable. Don't get upset or angry, stay calm. You are the parent, she can not dictate to you, there is no discussion. If your dh disagrees, I suggest you remind him he could always 'stay over' at his parents permanently- if mil has her baby back, perhaps she will stop trying to steal yours.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 28/10/2019 20:08

Your baby your rules OP....put on your mummy pants and sort her and her demands out and leave no room for compromise.If she doesnt like it then she risks falling out with you and seeing even less of YOUR baby...No mother on this earth should feel they have to be separated from their baby to keep anyone happy that truly is the most unnatural thing in the world....toughen up girl and tell them how its going to be.You hold the power here, use it..

Jollitwiglet · 28/10/2019 20:08

Your husband should be supporting you. It's not that you don't want to facilitate a relationship, you just don't want to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. I think you need a sit down chat with him, how you feel as the baby's mother trumps how the grandmother feels

ILiveInSalemsLot · 28/10/2019 20:09

All you need to do is say that you’re not happy about your baby staying away from you overnight at the moment.
You’re allowed to change your mind and you’re allowed to stand up for your feelings and for your baby and you should!
Your mil has no rights to her baby grandchild staying with her if the mother is not happy with it.

Original poster
Shanmoore · 28/10/2019 20:14

This is my message to her: Hi ... I just thought I'd better message you. I know obviously you want your family to see ... more and I understand that. You could have him whenever you want for the day on Saturday or sunday. But I really don't want ... staying over all the time. Every now and again is fine. But I like knowing he is upstairs and if he wakes up I'm there. He's only 9 months and I like him being here with me. If you want .. while im at work I would like him back for bed. You can still have him overnight next weekend. But I just want this to be an every now and again thing. I'm sorry if I upset you by saying this, but I needed to get it off my chest. I already feel like I miss ... lots being back at work. And Monday as well is my day off with him.

OP posts:
JellyBabiesSaveLives · 28/10/2019 20:15

Tell her you’ve changed your mind about next weekend, and that her constant badgering about nights is making you stressed, and therefore, if she doesn’t stop, she won’t get to see ds at all.

Tell your own family that you will decide if and when and how you “need a break”, not them.

Tell your dh that his mother is making you unhappy and stressed and you need him to support you. Tell him this a lot, incessantly, boringly; until he gets the message about whose side he is supposed to be on.

Chocmallows · 28/10/2019 20:16

Good for you, she now knows clearly how you feel. Don't explain any further from now on, just say "no".

PinkiOcelot · 28/10/2019 20:17

Tell your DH to fuck off as well. Just say no!!

SoyDora · 28/10/2019 20:18

Gosh no. My youngest is 9 months and I cannot imagine him staying a whole day and night away from me, let alone on a weekly basis.
Well done for sending the message.

cptartapp · 28/10/2019 20:19

DO NOT get into a set pattern of any sleepovers or even visits. You will set a preceent and never be able to break it. Ad hoc only. And I say this as someone who would have killed for a night off when mine were little.

Echobelly · 28/10/2019 20:20

OK, I don't normally get people not wanting babies to stay with grandparents, but given it's your day with DS, so say that's not the time for it.

I think make it clear that, sure, when the time is right, you'll be happy for DS to stay with them, and agree with posters who've suggested finding a time it would actually be helpful (I'm a firm believer that it's good for babies and parents to be used to time without one another!)

Crunched · 28/10/2019 20:21

Good message- clear, concise but not rude in any shape or form.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/10/2019 20:21

That was a fair message. I hope she takes it well and backs down gracefully.

RolytheRhino · 28/10/2019 20:22

Hope you get it sorted, OP. YANBU.

BarbaraStrozzi · 28/10/2019 20:22

Well done OP, that text is firm but reasonably diplomatic.

Now you need to sit your DP down and explain to him that he is on your side on this one. He doesn't get to play the neutral "I can see both sides" position, and he certainly doesn't get to side with his mother.

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